1. Alesia
    Offline

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    251
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN

    Grammar Thoughts on how to break this paragraph of a sentence up?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Alesia, Feb 12, 2014.

    Any thoughts on how to break this paragraph of a sentence up?

     
  2. Mackers
    Offline

    Mackers Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2012
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    268
    Location:
    Co. Tyrone, Ireland
    hi Alesia...what's the context?
     
  3. Alesia
    Offline

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    251
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN
    Someone launching into a rant about how terrible their parents were. The next part would be something along the lines of "Case in point, my parents."
     
  4. Robert_S
    Offline

    Robert_S Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2013
    Messages:
    874
    Likes Received:
    163
    I put a period between properly and yet. The second sentence feels like it should be long winded, so I also removed two of the commas fromit that subordinated the clause "almost thirty years of parental fuck-ups later."
     
  5. Mackers
    Offline

    Mackers Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2012
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    268
    Location:
    Co. Tyrone, Ireland
    Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. Seriously folks, these are people who don't like children, never wanted them in the first place, and don't have the slightest fucking clue about raising them properly yet, for whatever reason, decided to reproduce anyway and now, almost thirty years of parental fuck-ups later, can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict.


    1.) Slight change of wording - "Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. Seriously folks, these are people who don't like children, never wanted them in the first place, and don't have the slightest fucking clue about raising them properly yet. These people should have the snip; yes, a fucking vasectomy so that they can't go on to pollute the world with their shitty mongrel genetics. This would save the world of generations of parental fuck-ups who can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict."

    (you can tone down the swearing of course if you want :) You can swap vasectomy for sterilisation or something to that effect)
     
  6. ChickenFreak
    Offline

    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    8,984
    Likes Received:
    5,503
    Broken-up rewrite:

    Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. Seriously folks, these are people who don't like children and never wanted them in the first place. They don't have the slightest fucking clue about raising them properly yet, for whatever reason, decided to reproduce anyway. Now, almost thirty years of parental fuck-ups later, they can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict.
     
    AlannaHart likes this.
  7. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    ...do it like that!
     
  8. MrReliable3599
    Offline

    MrReliable3599 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2014
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    29
    My two cents (and worth every penny) is applying a stark, direct tone.

    Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. These people don't like children, never wanted them in the first place, and don't have the slightest fucking clue about how to raise them properly. For whatever reason, they decided to reproduce. Now, thirty years of parental fuck-ups later, they can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict.
     
  9. JayG
    Offline

    JayG Banned Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2013
    Messages:
    642
    Likes Received:
    358
    Location:
    Philadelphia PA
    I dunno, you lost me with the lack of connection between "Some people should not be parents" with which I agree, and, "These people don't like children, never wanted them in the first place," I know lots of people who wanted children, and had them deliberately, but should be barred from raising them. The fact that someone doesn't interrupt the rant, at that point kills it for me. I'd rephrase.

    I also have a problem with "and don't have the slightest fucking clue." Not because of the language but because there are words that serve no purpose. There's no difference in meaning between:

    and don't have the slightest fucking clue
    and don't have the slightest clue
    and don't have a fucking clue
    and don't have a clue

    Except that the first three slow the narrative with meaningless words.We report the essence of the conversation, not the conversation, itself.
     
  10. MrReliable3599
    Offline

    MrReliable3599 Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2014
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    29
    I'd have to respectfully disagree with JayG. It is a rant. What you call "meaningless words" are actually seasoning, creating tone rather than meeting some technical definition.
     
  11. Catrin Lewis
    Offline

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,685
    Likes Received:
    1,079
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I dunno, I kind of like it as one sentence starting with "Seriously." Gives more of the effect of someone letting it all out in one big barf of emotion.

    I'd edit it to read like this:

    Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. Seriously, folks, these are people who don't like children, never wanted them in the first place, and don't have the slightest fucking clue about raising them properly, yet for whatever reason decided to reproduce anyway, and now, almost thirty years of parental fuck-ups later, can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict.

    Or if you want the speaker to seem a bit more under control, try this:

    Some people should not be parents, plain and simple. Seriously, folks, these are people who don't like children, never wanted them in the first place, and didn't have the slightest fucking clue about raising them properly. Yet for whatever reason they decided to reproduce anyway. And now almost thirty years of parental fuck-ups later, they can't figure out how their little bundle of joy became a drug addict.

    Very similar to MrReliable's suggestion above, but note change of tense from "don't" to "didn't" in sentence 2.

    Note also the comma after "seriously" in both suggestions. It's needed, as "folks" operates as a vocative. I mean, what does it mean to be seriously folks, anyway? The opposite of being frivolously folks? :D
     
  12. JayG
    Offline

    JayG Banned Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2013
    Messages:
    642
    Likes Received:
    358
    Location:
    Philadelphia PA
    Unless you can hear the tone in which they're spoken, see the body language and facial expressions that go with the words, or know what drove that person to speak in that way, they're just words on paper and all linkage to the speaker is missing. If the speaker is someone who sprinkles such language in every sentence, the words are equivalent to "uhhh." "So I went down the uhh...street and met this uhh...guy going the other way. He was the kind of uhh...person who..." Substitute any word you care to, from "ya'know" to "fucking" and the meaning, and the emotion is unchanged—from the reader's POV. Sure the writer had a specific intent in mind, but intent dribbles off the words as they pass through the modem.
     
  13. Alesia
    Offline

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    251
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN
    When it comes to writing, be it a blog, novel, essay, or short story, we must always remember to sacrifice tone in order to meet that omnipotent technical definition. Didn't you know that? :D
     
  14. Fitzroy Zeph
    Offline

    Fitzroy Zeph Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2013
    Messages:
    747
    Likes Received:
    269
    Location:
    Canada
    @Alesia, I find the rant grating. It uses a cheap cop-out of why someone is the way they are because of circumstance. Perhaps it's in your story but I'd much rather see a singular event that the parent(s) perpetrated that broke the kid and swayed him to try hard drugs one night when they otherwise wouldn't. This, they never liked kids stuff is melodrama that does nothing for me except wish the person ill will.
     
  15. lostinwebspace
    Offline

    lostinwebspace Active Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2011
    Messages:
    466
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Canada
    Would we not put a comma before "folks," as in "Seriously, folks, ..."? Or is that old style? What's the rationale?
     
  16. Catrin Lewis
    Offline

    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    1,685
    Likes Received:
    1,079
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    GMTA
     
  17. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    i've no clue what GMTA means...

    to answer the question, 'YES, a comma is needed there!' ... i don't see it as 'old style' at all... just grammatical...
     

Share This Page