1. Burnistine
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    Burnistine Active Member

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    Style Trying to mimic a news reporter

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Burnistine, Aug 11, 2015.

    In my efforts to sound like a news reporter, I've written this:

    To set up this scene, Robert has just rescued a woman from Glenwood Canyon. Out of concern, he's in the hospital emergency waiting room when he hears his name on the television screen.

    At the sound of his name, he looked toward the far corner of the room. On the television screen, bolted to the top of the wall, the six o'clock news anchor announced the woman's suicide attempt. “. . . Robert Aaron Jaeger rushed to a woman's aid today. It is believed that she attempted suicide by falling into Glenwood Canyon. It happened at approximately eleven a.m. Thanks to the quick thinking of Mr. Jaeger, she's alive but in critical condition. Police say Mr. Jaeger was about to water raft through the canyon when he noticed the woman standing in the river. Police say Mr. Jaeger tried talking her out of it, but Mr. Jaeger claims she just looked at him then fell in. The woman is unidentified at this time. As many of you know, Mr. Jaeger owns RJ Enterprises, an aeronautical engineering firm in Seattle, Washington. He's not only known for his ability to build the United States' best planes, but he's also been a big contributor to numerous charities for years. We'll provide more updates to this story as they develop. In more news today, . . .

    Robert turned away from the newscast and started to take another walk, but changed his mind. A physician, two police officers, and a woman had gathered . . .
     
  2. OurJud
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    OurJud Contributing Member Contributor

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    My edits, for what they're worth.

    At the sound of his name, he looked toward the far corner of the room. On the television screen, bolted to the top of the wall, the six o'clock news anchor announced the woman's suicide attempt. “. . . Robert Aaron Jaeger rushed to a woman's aid today. It is believed that she attempted suicide by falling jumping into Glenwood Canyon. It happened The incident is thought to have occurred at approximately eleven a.m. Thanks to the quick thinking of Mr. Jaeger, she's the woman, who is yet to be formally identified, is alive but in a critical condition. Police say Mr. Jaeger was about planning to water raft through the canyon when he noticed the woman standing in the river. Police say Mr. Jaeger tried talking her out of it, but Mr. Jaeger claims she just looked at him then fell in (repetition of 'Police say'). However, despite his efforts, Mr. Jaeger was unable to prevent the woman from jumping. The woman is unidentified at this time. As many of you know, Mr. Jaeger owns RJ Enterprises, an aeronautical engineering firm in Seattle, Washington. He's not only known for his ability to build the United States' best planes, but he's also been a big contributor to numerous charities for years. (Really don't have any idea what to do with the information starting 'As many of you know'. It's clearly information you want the reader to know, but sounds nothing like a news report.) We'll provide more updates to on this story as they develop. In more news today, . . .

    Robert turned away from the newscast television and started to take another walk, but changed his mind when he noticed a physician, two police officers, and a woman had gathered . . .
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2015
  3. Burnistine
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    Burnistine Active Member

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    Great help. Thank you. However, on our news broadcast, our anchors are constantly reminding us of someone's status in the community. Quite annoying sometimes.

    Again, thank you.
     
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  4. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    I don't think they would say his name that many times, nor would they go into so much detail about his life. It would be more like:

    Today a man who was later identified as Robert Aaron Yaeger spotted a woman who was oddly standing in the river near the edge of the canyon. After an attempt by Mr Yaeger to talk to her, she fell in and was later rescued by Mr. Yaeger. She is now in (Whatever) hospital in stable condition. We'll pass on more details as the emerge.

    That is more like the short version that you would really get on television.
     

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