1. loverofcreations
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    loverofcreations Member

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    What is the best way to respond to a mother who hates you being different?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by loverofcreations, Jun 15, 2016.

    I’m 18 years of age. My mother hates how I am not like everyone else in her family and refers to me as either ‘mentally ill’ or ‘autistic’, saying that I do not 'fit in' or 'get life'. She has also ranted about certain Jewish rituals that I partake in, particularly in relation to food - apparently, I am ''intentionally'' aggravating her by doing so and ''nobody does that!''.

    She has also criticised the way that I act and dress - I am highly polite to others, and forgiving. I have a somewhat conspicuous 1910-1920's style of dress and hairstyle, and I feel afraid to discuss the reason for my old fashioned antics, for I know that as an atheist who often repeats the quote ''you only get one life'' (which I despise given my experience) she would not believe me and believe me to be even more ''messed up'' than what I already am. I am also not sex-mad, and my mother says that I am making her ill (and somehow caused her cancer) by being all of these things.

    I am the ''other'' child.
    I also tend to cry over the deaths of friends, which is a big ''no-no'' if I am caught doing so.
    My mother has spoken about how she wished she had aborted me on several occasions and that if it were not for my brother she would have considered suicide.


    She also loves to bring up things that I did 10 to even 15 years ago, and how they were not ''normal'' (such as me being obsessed with building mechanical toys rather than football, wanting a ferret as a pet, talking about ''her'' and ''before that''. I remember my mother hysterically taking me to all sorts of children's mental health clinics in desperation for a diagnosis and every doctor stated I was just fine.)
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016
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  2. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    So, your Jewish but your family isn't? That's interesting. I find the mother pressuring you being the Atheist and you a religious person a slightly amusing subversion, to be honest.
    How to handle it, well, your almost old enough to be living entirely independently. (I'm actually at the same age) Soon you'll be in a different house and you'll be getting a job sooner or later. It's time you stood up for yourself. She's your mother, she should respect you. You may be the juniour, the inferior in the relationship, but she is supposed to care for you and love you. Just tell her you won't take her shit anymore.
    And know that, speaking as an atheist myself, most atheists will be fine with you. And there are more religious people than atheist anyway. Including plenty of Jews. The world does not have a problem with you. Don't let it get to you.
    Also, be glad it's not one of those "you're gay, I'm going to disown you" incidents. It could be way meaner.
     
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  3. loverofcreations
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    loverofcreations Member

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    Yes, I am Reform Jewish despite having a Christian Orthodox father and an atheist mother. Judaism has always felt 'right' to me.
     
  4. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    What exactly was it? Who were the influences here? There's got to have been someone? You don't have to answer but I quite curious. I find this story interesting.
     
  5. loverofcreations
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    loverofcreations Member

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    There were no influences. It is because I feel used to it.
     
  6. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    Okay, but anyway, again, your a legal adult now, as much as your mother is important in your life, you are more than just her son. So really just aks her to stop and move on regardless of what she does. Not everyone is nice to you, even the ones who are supposed to be.
     
  7. loverofcreations
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    loverofcreations Member

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    I live with my mother because she is terminally ill, and we both own the house. I'm too short of money to get a home of my own right now. I find my mother treats me more like a zoo animal than a human being. At least that's the vibe I am getting. If my brother cries over a girl, he gets sympathy. If I am caught crying over the death of a very close friend, it starts an argument.

    She believes that cancer patients such as herself deserve all the sympathy and that I should not be crying over the death of a friend. Just because she can do something, automatically means that I must be just like her.
     
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  8. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    Okay, that sounds quite wrong. My sympathies. It's going to be tough to move through that situation.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  9. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Do you live with her? Because honestly, the only way I think you can deal with a mother like that is keep your distance, both emotionally and physically. She will never change. And if you change, she'll find something to dislike about the new you because YOU are not the problem - she is.

    :friend:
     
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  10. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't want to sound ghoulish, but how much longer is she expected to live? If it's a matter of weeks/a couple months, I'd suggest you try to focus on the positive, salvage whatever you can from the relationship, and let go of the negative. (Not easy, I know, but these are the last days you'll have with your mother - try to find something good from them).

    If her prognosis is for a longer period of survival, I think you have two choices. One - if she's truly dependent on you as her caregiver, set some ground rules and make it clear that if she breaks them, you'll leave. And then prepare yourself to follow through on that. Which leads to choice two - skip the ground rules and leave now. Get a job outside the house (your brother could take care of her while you're out, right?), talk to a financial advisor about options for getting a loan based on your equity in the home, speak to your rabbi about supports that may be available through that community, etc. - make a plan, and follow through.

    Finally - mental illness and autism are medical diagnoses, and if you've been to the doctor and they've found no evidence, the diagnoses don't make sense. But you do sound like you fall on the "odd" side of "quirky". As I read you, you think you're a reincarnation of a Jew from the 1920s? So - your mom is not going to be the only person who thinks you're--well, wrong. Which doesn't mean you should change your mind, but does possibly mean you should work on either growing a very thick skin or adapting the way you present yourself. I mean, there's nothing that strange about converting to Judaism - you don't need to tell most people why you've converted. But wearing the old-style clothes? If someone was alive in the 1920s and has continued to be alive, that person is not still wearing 1920s clothing. That person will have adapted to modern styles. You can do the same. If you wear old-style clothes, it seems more like you're advertising your differentness (not exactly a rare thing for 18-year-olds) rather than trying to minimize it. And, again, nothing wrong with advertising your differentness - just don't be so surprised when people notice it.
     
  11. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry OP, I didn't read your subsequent post about her illness.
     
  12. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    From everything that you say, I would say that your mother is toxic and emotionally abusive. I would suggest:

    - Reading the online forum "DWIL Nation". Ignore the fact that it's a subforum of BabyCenter, and ignore the fact that the signup will require you to mention whether you're pregnant or not. :) Ignore the fact that DWIL stands for "Difficulty With In Laws", because the full name is "Difficulty With Inlaws And Family Of Origin." I think that it is a good place to read about abusive family relationships and how to handle them.

    And they have very often addressed the fact that cancer doesn't make a bad person good, or excuse abuse, and that the fact of the illness doesn't require you to stick around to care for her and accept the abuse.

    I do STRONGLY advise you to read for a good long time before you post; it's an extremely action-based forum, and you will instantly be advised to find a way to move out, probably up to and including speaking to a lawyer to force the sale of the house and thus free up funds. I know that you may not be ready for that step or anything like it, and you may not be ready to seek a way to make that step possible, so actually posting right now may just be an exercise in frustration for you. But read.

    - Reading about the Golden Child/Scapegoat phenomenon.

    - Reading about narcissistic mothers. I don't know if this applies or if your mother has some other sort of disorder, but it may be worth the reading. Some search terms could be "narcissist's child" and "harpy's child".

    - See if there's a way to get therapy, but with the right therapist. You don't want to find one that is focused solely on reconciliation, IMO; your mother sounds toxic beyond the point where there is any value in that. You want one that is prepared to support you IF you decide that your goal is to separate from your toxic mother. One piece of advice often given is to look for a therapist with experience with addiction--not because addiction is involved, but because that sort of therapist is capable of realizing that there are family relationships that are absolutely not worth saving.

    - You deserved a mother that appreciated and loved and supported you. You were cheated of that mother. You have every right to grieve and be angry. Know that this isn't about you and it's not your fault and it's not about you not being lovable; it's your mother that is broken.
     
  13. ManOrAstroMan
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    ManOrAstroMan Magical Space Detective Contributor

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    I wish I had some kind of advice. All I have to offer is a verbal hug. I can understand how it feels to be the family outsider, the one not accepted by the ones you love and who should be loving you back. I can only echo the sentiment that you are a unique and beautiful miracle of creation, and those who are too blind to see that are pitiful creatures indeed.
    Stay strong, kiddo.
     
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  14. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    "Never hit your mother in the head with a shovel. For it leaves a dull impression on her mind." -My old man quoting some song. :superlaugh:

    I feel ya @loverofcreations. My old man was/is the same way (minus the whole cancer thing). Which I am sorry that she is blaming you for. So I can relate for the most part, outside of the odd dress and religious thing. It sucks when a parent takes everything that they hate about themselves on you. Or when they beat it into your head (sometimes literally) of how much of a disappointment you are to them, and how much they wish to just be rid of you.

    The worst bullies are always the ones we love, despite how much they loath us. There is no winning with them, but moving forward with your life helps. No point in sticking around such a toxic person for longer than you have to. You will always love them, and for a while you will hate them, but it is always best to find it in you to forgive them. Even in time they might offer some form of apology.

    Hang in there kiddo, and stay tough. You are worth it.:supersmile:
     
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  15. Mumble Bee
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    Mumble Bee The writer formerly known as Chained. Contributor

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    Here's what you do, agree.

    Mother starts to rant about everything that's wrong with you? Nod, don't smile or laugh, but show that you earnestly feel the same way she does.
    She thinks the way you're living is wrong? Change. Start doing things the way she wants, show that you're willing to learn.
    Whenever she brings up how you used to be, how wrong it was, show embarrassment, how could you be like that?

    Do everything you can to make her happy, and she will eventually forgive you.
    On the day she does, go in for that great big hug you earned and whisper in her ear, "Fuck you."
    Then go live your life. The good news is, everything else will seem easy after living through that mindfuck of a life.

    Sorry if this is a bit heavy with foul language, just brought up some bad memories :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2016
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  16. FireWater
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    FireWater Active Member

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    Do some research on clinically narcissistic parents. Narcissism in the technical sense is not just someone who is a little too vain -- it's a whole disorder that centers around lack of empathy, and expectation that others should only exist as extensions/objects of the narcissist or be the way the narcissist wants. Typically when a narcissist parent has more than one kid, there's a "golden child" and a "scapegoat" (i.e. really bad favoritism) and it sounds like that's what's going on, as well as total disregard for the death of your friends, which is a very real and legitimate thing to be traumatized about.

    I'm really sorry, but please realize that most parents are not like yours, and would be horrified by the way she treats you. Once you're logistically able to move out, find an older woman mentor who can be like a mother figure to you, and get that maternal support from her instead.
     
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  17. mashers
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    mashers Senior Member

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    • My mother hates how I am not like everyone else in her family and refers to me as either ‘mentally ill’ or ‘autistic’, saying that I do not 'fit in' or 'get life'
    • ranted about certain Jewish rituals that I partake in ... apparently, I am ''intentionally'' aggravating her by doing so and ''nobody does that!''
    • criticised the way that I act and dress
    • says that I am making her ill (and somehow caused her cancer)
    • I also tend to cry over the deaths of friends, which is a big ''no-no'' if I am caught doing so.
    • she wished she had aborted me on several occasions and that if it were not for my brother she would have considered suicide
    • loves to bring up things that I did 10 to even 15 years ago, and how they were not ''normal''
    • hysterically taking me to all sorts of children's mental health clinics in desperation for a diagnosis
    Sorry to be so blunt, but your mother is abusing you. You are an adult so my suggestion is that you get out of the house immediately and get as far away as possible. Her illness is irrelevant. She has not earned your sympathy from what you have said. Think about yourself and don't let this woman poison your mind any more than she already has. Most of all, keep being yourself. Don't let her ridiculous opinions change who you are.
     
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  18. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    Tell her to stuff it and live your life the way you want to; her being ill gives her no excuse to treat you this way -- even if she weren't using it as an excuse to mistreat you.
     
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