1. Ice Queen
    Offline

    Ice Queen Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2011
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Scotland

    When men won't stand up to their mother?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Ice Queen, Mar 10, 2011.

    My boyfriend is a very passive person and he doesn't seem to be able to stand up to his mother. She constantly gets him to drop what he's doing and do errands for her, or chores or what have you (often meaning he must cancel plans with me)- but he's 19 years old and it's getting ridiculous. The last thing she did was take money out of his bank account without asking him (and it wasn't a small amount).

    Obviously that is beyond insane; he's a grown man and she's treating him like a child. He won't stand up to her because she's threatened to chuck him out of the house in the past ("if you don't like the way we work, you can leave" etc.)

    I have tried to get him to talk to her about it in the past, but it just ended up completely backfiring on me; with her saying that I was the one making him think these things, and I'm controlling him and so on. So now he thinks that if he talks to her about this money-taking incident she will assume it's ME trying to control him again.

    What should I do? Should I leave this alone? What should I say to him?

    This pisses me off beyond belief because I love my boyfriend more than anything and the reason I don't like his mother is because she completely takes advantage of his passive nature. This whole issue is just grating on my nerves, because no matter what I do I'll be labelled as "the meddling girlfriend trying to steal my boy". But taking somebody's MONEY without asking? That's just straight up theft!!! (It's not like he has a lot of money either, he's a student).

    Also, breaking up with him is not an option. Even though this situation is driving me crazy, and I am intensely frustrated with him- I love him, I know he intends to marry me so his mother will have to get used to me at some point.

    Anyone else had a similar problem?
     
  2. Ashleigh
    Offline

    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2008
    Messages:
    4,186
    Likes Received:
    143
    Location:
    In the comfort of my stubborn little mind.
    I think most girls have to put up with a crappy relationship between themselves and their boyfriend's mother. It's a cliché that never runs dry.

    Just try to remember that, when all's said and done, she is his mother. We all have to put up with ridiculous behavior from our mothers from time to time, especially when they're clearly scared about losing their baby. She's just clinging on. If the relationship means that much to you, then my advice wouldn't be to confront the situation - it'd be to just ride it out.

    Eventually you guys will (supposedly) have your own space to call your own where you can make your own rules. Until then, I think you just have to suck it up. Your boyfriend should have a private chat with his mother if he thinks she's asking too much of him. Maybe she'll understand if he explains that he cares for you equally, but he can't please everyone.

    As for the money thing? My mother has done that to my brother before. It's bang out of order, but unless she's a total crook, she might've had a genuine reason to hastily take money out before asking first. I'm not saying it's ok - it isn't- but again, it's his job to take issue with these things. Some guys just can't when it's their mother in question.

    Anyway, I'm sure things'll straighten out over time. Good luck!
     
  3. Elgaisma
    Offline

    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2010
    Messages:
    5,337
    Likes Received:
    92
    What did she use the money on ? Does he pay board ? Does he supply his own food ? Pay electric etc ? If he lives at home then yes I do think she has certain rights to assert rules etc and if he doesn't like them then he needs to find a way to leave.

    It really isn't fair to ask his mother as annoying and awful as she maybe to not have rules in her own home.
     
  4. PurpleCandle
    Offline

    PurpleCandle Senior Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2010
    Messages:
    165
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    NC
    Why is breaking up with him not an option? You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.

    Do you really want to be with a man who lives under his mom's thumb this much? What about when you have kids and try to live your own lives together? Do you think she is going to stop this behavior? How will you feel when you boyfriend lets her come into your house and tell you all the stuff you are doing wrong? And he will do exactly that.

    Life is short, you do not want this much negativity in your life (for possibly the rest of your life).

    Most men love their moms too much to hurt them, you just won't win this fight.

    Furthermore, you are in a power struggle for control. Control over your boyfriend. That is not a good place to be in. You will likely lose the battle every time AND if you win what will you be getting? A man who you can control? What kind of man is that?

    If he goes from being controlled by his mom to being controlled by you, you will become his mom. I don't know about you but I prefer to have a man who is not as controllable as play dough and can buy his own underwear.

    I say cut your losses. Best case, he grows a spine and stands up to mom, begs to get you back. Worst case, he doesn't and you move on. Best, Best case, you move on to a man, a real man, who won't put you in the center of his own problems and use you as an irritant to his mom.
     
  5. hiddennovelist
    Offline

    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2009
    Messages:
    10,256
    Likes Received:
    161
    Location:
    Fabulous Sin City
    As Ashleigh pointed out, you're not the first woman to have problems with your SO's mother, so it's no surprise when I say I've had similar issues with my mother-in-law. It's a difficult situation, and I don't have any magical advice that will make the present struggle any easier, but hang in there. My clashes with my MIL were definitely at their worst earlier in my relationship with Joel. It's hard to deal with, but as time has gone on, things have gotten better with us. Ashleigh's right, it's difficult for mom's to feel like they're losing their baby to someone, and I think it takes time for them to accept that, like it or not, it's going to happen. Once that starts happening, I'm sure things will get easier for you.

    Regarding the money situation, Joel's mom used to drive me crazy doing stuff like that. I would echo that unless she's demonstrated that she's dishonest with money in the past, she probably has a legitimate reason for doing it, so I wouldn't jump to conclusions unless he's had issues in the past with her just taking money from him for no reason. It's irritating, but the fact is that he's living under her roof, so patience and keeping the peace will go a long way to making things bearable until you guys have your own place.

    In regards to your comment about her having to get used to you at some point, Joel and I lived with his mother for two years before we got married, but it wasn't until recently (one year after we got married) that she told Joel that she was enjoying getting to know me and thought I was a great person. It took her three years to even decide she wanted to make an attempt at getting to know me...I'd be lying if I tried to say that didn't make me upset...but she's finally starting to accept that I'll be a part of her life from now on, and things have gotten a lot better since then. It sucks, it's frustrating, but unfortunately, it's just something that most of us have to endure until it gets better.

    /rambling
     
  6. Smoke
    Offline

    Smoke Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2011
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    6
    Your boi may someday grow up. It may take distance or even trauma.

    I'm speaking as a female version of your boi, where it does take distance. Family roof, family funds.

    The joint bank account between mother and child may forever sit with its minimum balance, where most of the living is done with a spousal or even individual account.
     
  7. Joanna the Mad
    Offline

    Joanna the Mad Senior Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2010
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Planet Earth
    Sounds like his mother is on this thread too!
    Just kidding, Purple. :)

    I agree with most of the others.. You can't really do anything about it. Intervening wouldn't do any good, I think it might drive you two lovebirds apart if you tried too hard. Family business is a sensitive issue, so I advice you to just be supportive of him. And the money thing.. Look at it from her perspective: she's paid for him all of her life, children are really expensive, you know, he's living under her roof, she probably cleans and cooks for him as well, I don't know but she might pay for his clothes too? Taking money from his account might seem natural to her, as she sees it as her money as well. He's still pretty young as well, 19.. I think it takes time for a mother to realize her baby boy has all grown up. How did he react to his mother taking money off of his account?
     
  8. Northern Phil
    Offline

    Northern Phil Active Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2009
    Messages:
    198
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    UK
    I've had similar problems with my mother being too bossy and wanting everything her own way.

    The problem here is that your boyfriend doesn't have his own independence. I'm guessing that you two have been together for a few years so he has either had his mother or you to lean on and support him and he sees this behaviour as normal.

    It doesn't sound like he has had to take responsibility for himself and he hasn't developed as a man who can take look after himself and find self confidence and a way of living that he likes.

    Unless he realises that he has to become less attached to his mother and focus on his life with you then this behaviour will continue.

    Ultimitly I think you two need to have a discussion about this and the way that it is making you feel and if he is unwilling to listen or see your point of view then you may have to break up with. A short term pain may save you from a life of heartache.
     
  9. w176
    Offline

    w176 Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2010
    Messages:
    1,067
    Likes Received:
    49
    Location:
    Luleå, Sweden
    I think one way to give you some peace in mind is try to spend time in you MIL company. Not to act as a negator and fix the problem, but just to enjoy her company and get to know her. And if a part of her control issues with her son is because she feels threated by you this might help.

    Otherwise it might just help you understand her and you boyfriend relationship better and give you a way to accept the situation.
     
  10. Ice Queen
    Offline

    Ice Queen Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2011
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Scotland
    Thanks for the replies everyone!! I appreciate the advice. I'm not in the way of trying to sabotage family bonds or be a controlling girlfriend or anything, so I will try to remain patient, as I have for a year or so. I think he's getting a bit sick of her behaviour too so I'll wait and see if he will talk to her about it. I think it's a case of me being slightly overprotective of him in some ways- I just want people to stop taking advantage of him so I get angry when they do; perhaps I don't give him enough of a chance to fight his own battles (I'll admit I'm a bit of a battle maiden myself because I've had to deal with a great many people fighting me in the past).

    In any case- I know I couldn't break up with him because I love him way too much; besides that he needs me because I understand him well- and I worked really hard to help him in the past, as well as enduring a lot of crap to be with him (my friends all ditched us for good and I only have him left- haha)
     
  11. Joanna the Mad
    Offline

    Joanna the Mad Senior Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2010
    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Planet Earth
    Sucky friends! Why did they do that?
     
  12. Ashleigh
    Offline

    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2008
    Messages:
    4,186
    Likes Received:
    143
    Location:
    In the comfort of my stubborn little mind.
    Never be ashamed to face problems in a relationship; it's always gonna happen. What matters is that you overcome them. I don't think there's any reason why his mother's attitude should spoil what you guys have. Good attitude! :)
     
  13. Ice Queen
    Offline

    Ice Queen Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2011
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Scotland
    o_O I'm not actually sure... Maybe it's 'cause us going out changed the dynamic of the friendship circle- we certainly aren't the kind of people to aggravate anyone deliberately. (At least he's not- I will if someone deserves it- lol).

    Also, thanks a lot Ashleigh! You're right too :D I'm not the type to give up easily so I'll keep going; he's one of those rare guys who's just right for me.
     
  14. Speedy
    Offline

    Speedy Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2008
    Messages:
    4,866
    Likes Received:
    81
    Location:
    Australia
    Marry a man and you pretty much marry his mother. ;)

    I went tholugh so much crap with my own....have no idea how my partner put up with it. But everything is well now. So there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
     
    1 person likes this.
  15. tarnished
    Offline

    tarnished Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    May 16, 2008
    Messages:
    616
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Boston
    I think everyone can attest to the lengths a mother will go to when faced with losing their baby.
    A friend of mine recently went to the army, and his mother would call the cops on me and his house from time to time in hopes we were doing something illegal and we would be caught and he wouldnt go away. We eventually made the connection of the random police showings to her.
    My advice: Don't try and get him to stand up to her. If he sounds different than he usually is, she might think you prompted it, and believe me you don't want any mother on your case, much less one with erratic behavior.
    Good Luck.
     
  16. Forkfoot
    Offline

    Forkfoot Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,034
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    San Francisco bay area
    The problem isn't that he won't stand up to his mother, it's that he lives with his mother. Problem's not going away until that changes.
     
  17. Speedy
    Offline

    Speedy Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2008
    Messages:
    4,866
    Likes Received:
    81
    Location:
    Australia
    Heard that the average age of Australians leaving home is around 25 now.

    Bubble wrapped generation. More the parents fault for being reckless (Most cases).
     
  18. Trish
    Offline

    Trish I've been deleted.. again Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2011
    Messages:
    1,986
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    New York
    As someone who has lived through having the MIL from you know where (I could literally write a book and people would swear it was fiction), let me say this: His money, his mother, his problem. You don't live together, he still lives with her, and I assume your money was not in this account. Therefor this has nothing to do with you. Sorry but true. If or when you two are living together you can then have a say in things, but be warned, you will also have to, at some point, have a woman to woman convo with her yourself. It is unfair and unjust to continually put our men between us and their mothers. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to my boy and I won't do that to anyone else. My MIL's and my relationship was unable to be salvaged, but she also has NO relationship with any of her other 3 DIL's because she's flipping nuts. Restraining orders and all. Woman up. Talk to her yourself when there is an issue you have the right to have a stake in. Be courteous and respectful and keep in mind you wouldn't have him if it wasn't for her, she raised him to be the guy you love so much, and deep down she just wants him to be happy.
     
  19. hiddennovelist
    Offline

    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2009
    Messages:
    10,256
    Likes Received:
    161
    Location:
    Fabulous Sin City
    Seconded.
     
  20. Trilby
    Offline

    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,098
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NE England
    Totally, utterly, completely agree with (and would reiterate/underline) ever sentence in the above post. Believe me - I know. If the author of op (sorry I've forgot name) sends me a pm I'll enlighten them.

    Grab your coat and run girl.

    Tried to give you a rep PurpleCandle but, was not allowed.
     
  21. Elgaisma
    Offline

    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2010
    Messages:
    5,337
    Likes Received:
    92
    Thirded. You have to decide whether to live with it or make moves to move him out. Whilst he is using his Mother to live you can't expect him to make waves or be independent.

    Forkfoot said so eloquently what my first post was trying to say. Having said that I moved out of home only for my Mother to have a stroke and have to move in with me lol

    My mother is a controlling pain in the bum sometimes (well actually all the time it's in her nature) - however when I was living in her home, fact is it was her home and she set the rules. Once I moved out I set the rules and have the ability to tell her to bog off when she demanded something I didn't want to do.
     
  22. Trilby
    Offline

    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,098
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NE England
    If you do decide to marry him, then try and solve this problem before you marry, because unless you move a million miles away from her, you will not solve it after you are married (in my case the situation got worse) and once children come along it is more difficult to walk away (you won't just have yourself to consider).
    You have a problem that needs some serious thought - try not to let your emotion get in the way of your decision - take a step back and look at the situation as it really is. If your best friend was in your position - What advice would you offer her?
    Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well.
    Good luck kid, you'll need it.
     
  23. Trilby
    Offline

    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,098
    Likes Received:
    69
    Location:
    NE England
    You say that 'he needs you because you understand him' but, do you need him? Does he understand you? does he even try to understand how you are feeling? Does he know or comprehend the turmoil that you are going through? or does he fob it off? only you can answer these Qs.

    Will things change once he leaves the nest? or, are you just getting a taster of what the future holds?
    No one can answer these Qs - Maybe it is time to start and think about
    yourself. what do you need? what do you deserve?
    Best of luck.
     
  24. Ice Queen
    Offline

    Ice Queen Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2011
    Messages:
    122
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Scotland
    Well, I wouldn't say I NEED anything in the strict meaning of the world, obviously. But I know myself, and I'm actually generally a person who doesn't want to get close to people, it's different with him for some reason, in that I like being close to him- in some ways I'm closer to him than my family.

    He is also quite good at understanding me- he realises his mother is a little over the top, but he says he'll have to put up with it mostly until he gets the chance to move out (we're saving up). I understand it's hard but the thing is I do wish he'd refuse some of the things she asks, which is quite reasonable seeing as she asks a lot of him.

    Obviously I can't speak for the future XD But I would like to think that I should at least try to keep this relationship going, I mean I don't want to give up at the first difficult situation, and I definitely wouldn't want to break up with him because of his mother- it would seem like that would just be playing her game (I'm not sure how much she likes me- I mean she doesn't hate me but he says she thinks I put words in his mouth- that's also untrue I just try to help him say what he wants)

    Also, wow I didn't expect this topic to get so many replies- it seems like the "evil mother-in-law" stereotype is actually rife in society everywhere D:>
     
  25. Forkfoot
    Offline

    Forkfoot Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2008
    Messages:
    1,034
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    San Francisco bay area
    Whoa. When I turned eighteen my parents were all, "Umm, kay bye!" They weren't mean about it or anything, just firm.
     

Share This Page