Blogs

  1. Hmmm. I'm stuck.

    There should be a feeling of peace in my soul, but as of recently, something is unsettling me.

    Maybe it's the state of today's world or just my doubts creeping into the back of mind. This sense of fear from my body is keeping me from my work.

    I want to write.
    I want to create.
    I honestly don't know what to do.
    I feel stuck.
  2. My Madelines, and an almost journey home

    Marcel Proust is probably most famous for his description of how the taste of sweet roll -- a madeline == and some tea brought back strong memories. Makes sense, too, because science suggests that smell is one of our most basic senses and makes strong mental impressions.

    It's amazing how much and how easily the adult me takes smells for granted; kind of like, I suppose, the way fish experience water, they're just there. Yet sometimes some smells will trigger memories and let me taste some...
  3. I Don't Deserve It

    I don't chalk anything up to bad luck anymore.

    If there's something I want but I'm not getting, it's my fault. I did something, or am doing something, that's working at cross-purposes to myself.

    Every time I see beauty and wish to possess it, I think of all the ways that I am sinful, selfish, filthy, arrogant, ignorant, and it's no wonder that I'm left to walk the path of the perpetual cuck. Nobody's to blame but me. The torture I go through in the core of my chest is the price I...
  4. The Bird and I (apropos of nothing significant)

    Sometimes little things can be big in one's life, though they hardly matter the larger scheme of things. Like my bird and me.

    I'm sitting at the kitchen table, my laptop in front of me, and a lovebird perched on my shoulder. This is our time together, everyone else is out, so I can let him out of his cage without worrying about him flying down the hall and bothering someone else. He's not mean, and all he wants to do is commune with his "flock", but he's sometimes like an annoying...
  5. Tough Memories (Sensitive Material-Trigger Warning)

    I have decided to recount some experiences I had some years ago with two different exes. Not sure exactly why. I guess I just need to get it out of me at long last.

    1. I was in a relationship with a histrionic narcissistic. An argument began, over what I can not recall. We were in the bedroom, and I sat on the window ledge with the window open. I was debating an emergency exit if things got too much. I started to lean out of the window, and he asked me to come back in, which I...
  6. Unable to write

    No, not that, LOL! As far as my actual stories are going, they're fine. I have most of the lore down for my world/ universe so a lot of stories write themselves.

    What I'm talking about, is the stuff that's outside my comfort zone or area of ability, or whatever it's called!

    IE, I can't write mystery or crime and I have a few stories that are in this genre. Another one with the high action, and for this one I have a story in my head that's Canon to my world but unable to write it.

    It's...
  7. The Time is Now

    One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is probably the simplest. Life is lived only in the moment, and the moment is not ours, and it's gone before we can process it. Look around you. Close your eyes. Look again. What you see now is not what you saw before, though the changes may be subtle. But the time before is irretrievably gone, fallen into what we call the past.

    And the past is beyond our reach; what we recall is only a hazy picture of what was and, more fundamentally,...
  8. It's Done

    As I've mentioned before, I come from a line (on my mother's side) of carpenters, and sometimes the urge to make something from wood overcomes me, though I'm not sure any of the talent or ability comes along with it. But, I remind myself, they must have made a lot of mistakes while learning their craft. I remember once talking with an uncle (by marriage, not blood) about his work. I mentioned the old adage, "measure twice, cut once." He shook his head. "No, it's measure right and cut."...
  9. Old private blog

    Reading my old blog posts I stumbled upon this one. I don't know why I set this one to private. I have a few that I write just for myself, but this isn't anything too out there or personal, and I'm feeling lazy even though I want to write. This will have to do. Goona set to private again. Feels too bitchy.





    "About 4 years ago I had gotten a part time job at Walmart as a produce clerk. It was the only job I've ever had where I was expected to do some...
  10. Nothing Hits Me Until It's Too Late

    If I were one of those young stars just drafted today into the NBA, would I be crying on my way up to the stage? During the minute-long interview after shaking hands with the commissioner?

    Would it feel like a dream come true, or would it still feel like a dream until I finally walked out onto the court of a professional basketball arena with thousands of fans watching?

    I've found that things usually don't hit me until it's too late. I've never been one to cry when it counts. Not a...
  11. 'Religious Circumcision,' or perhaps, 'Meditations on a recent visit to the dentist.'

    it was torture at the inquisition
    as the butcher moved into position,
    then sliced, then chopped,
    then diced, then lopped;
    the blood-stained walls sustained tradition.
  12. Holding back

    I've been thinking about how much I hold inside myself, and questioning why. Is it a case of whether I believe it to be 'appropriate' to share my feelings? Is it because I feel others will judge them? Is it because I simply feel awkward for even having them in the first place? I think for me it is all of the above, in varying degrees.
    I am getting better at the judgement part, though I still find it difficult.
    Appropriateness is a big one, and definitely feeling awkward. Nobody wants to...
  13. First Day (Three for three)

    Seems this is the third day in a row I've blogged. Anywho...

    First day of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy today. Was very anxious, as I mentioned. But, I went, I saw, and I conquered. :)
    I couldn't sleep last night, and my stomach was not happy as I'd eaten nothing but junk food all day. Being my stomach, it had to wait until bedtime to kick off though. That kept me from sleep, cos I felt uncomfortable and sick. Decided to get up and got back onto the dino-top, where I was lucky enough to...
  14. This could become a thing

    I've been feeling very tense lately, but I wasn't sure why. I think it's my anxiety going into overdrive because of my first therapy session tomo. I have no idea why I am so stressed about it though. It's only:
    • A group of people I have never met before
    • Run by two staff that I've never met before
    • In a town that I have only negative/upsetting memories of
    • In a building that I have only stressful memories of
    • Near in locale to a place I would rather forget existed
    • For a...
  15. Things I Miss

    This will probably be a long list, and I'm just typing them out as they come to mind.

    1. Sunshine
    2. Warmth
    3. Central Heating
    4. Chip shops
    5. Shops being open before 10 am
    6. Things to do and places to go
    7. Anything familiar that doesn't upset me
    8. Carpets
    9. Pavements
    10. Public Transport
    11. Online Deliveries
    12. Decent Internet
    13. Other Accents
    14. My Mum
    15. Domino's Pizza
    16. Blue Skies
    17. My Amazing Man
    18. Using an Oyster Card
    19. Free Banking
    20. Parks
    21. Sainsbury's
    22....
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