Blog Entries from dushechka

  1. Well then..

    I must admit; it's been a very strange year for me. August 1st was my last day at work (for rather stupid reasons, actually), and the last week or so I've been visiting job agencies, and colleges, just to see if I fit anywhere. Apparently, the man we spoke to at the College, thinks I should go to University instead. He seems to think I won't get enough "stimulation" if I take College courses. It's interesting, simply because I've never had the actual opportunity to attend college,...
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  2. Passion

    I work part time in an office, three days a week doing data entry for an Auto appraisal company. It's quite a boring job, but it pays over minimum wage, so I'm grateful for that. But my problem is I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want, what I despise, but knowing what I crave, what my passions are is something I can't seem to quite figure out. Can you really live off of passion? That's my life question. And I don't know. I suppose a few people have, and probably...
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  3. Random Writings + I'm Alive!

    So I haven't been here in awhile, again. I'm not sure what's up with me lately, but I seem to keep hiding myself away under a rock in a distant land. Maybe because forum posting sometimes feels like work, so I'd rather just not start again.. but then I become bored and must, so it's this never ending circle of weirdness. But regardless of that, I've written a little bit of nonsense over my course of hiding away. Nothing too awesome, but I like it. As a side note - Happy 2008...
  4. Tomorrow Never Comes.

    My thoughts feel so distant from my actions. There's a quote by Kafka that I feel explains this exactly: "I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness." Although, I'm not sure if that actually does explain anything in the end. I type, I write, and I ponder, and in the end I delete every single thing. My words don't stick like they used to. They don't...
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  5. Ranting. Heh.

    Oh life, why must you be so odd? The last few weeks have been quite interesting. Although I'm not sure if it's a "good" interesting. My parents are contemplating moving cities. They want to go to the countryside, about an hour away. Let me put this in perspective; my city currently holds around 400,000 people, this town holds 35,000. They're trying to bribe me by buying a grand piano. As much as I would LOVE that, I wouldn't be able to take piano lessons anymore with my current...
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  6. Mmm.. Existentialism... Objectivism...

    I've been reading quite a bit about Kierkegaard/Nietzsche and Existentialism. I sort of directed myself that way through Ayn Rand's philosophy. Just a road of random discovery mostly. Honestly, I think I am an Existentialist (I'm hoping that's a word...) mostly due to the fact that I believe we create the meanings and truths in our lives. I can't fathom putting the entire faith and essence of myself inside a person or thing. Humans fail, humans cheat and they lie. Whether that sounds...
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  7. Friendship, sickness and pointless drabble.

    The last four or so days I've been in bed, nearly all day, sleeping away this horrible cold. Thankfully I'm feeling a bit better, but I won't be going to band practice tonight as that will surely give me a headache. *shudder* I've been having really deep conversations with a friend of mine. The conversations tend to be about his life, his thoughts, those types of things. I'm going to admit something - I can't, under any circumstances, - whether it be purposely or not - comfort a grown...
  8. Excerpts - : ) - Good Riddance Writer's Block.

    So I ended up writing something last night, at 3 am. It probably doesn't make sense, and it's most likely lame and pretentious. But I escaped the writer's block, and that's all I wanted. : p Enjoy and comment if you'd like? --- The time has passed, incredibly quickly as usual. I’m afraid my mind is still cluttered, although I do believe things really are gradually improving. I suppose it’s only a matter of time though; until I too, disappear. In spite of those very grave...
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  9. Oh Simon and Garfunkel. My poetic heart belongs to you.

    I have horrible writer's block right now. My brain is stuck in a heap of mud unwilling to release itself. Nothing is being said. And what IS being said is pointless. I can't write novels because I can't write. Period. And I can't write because I'm suddenly forced into a corner of complete utterances. Though I think after all this time, I'd rather write in the calm consciousness of the night, in the dark and misty afternoons when all is in its right place; than in the bright...
  10. Well I Threw Those Eating Habits Out the Window...

    This afternoon we celebrated Thanksgiving with my aunt and her two daughters, my family and grandmother. Diets, portion size? Yeah, that didn't happen tonight. : p I'm normally a really good eater, (I can go a whole day on one meal), but today was just.. insane. I swear I won't be eating anything tomorrow. I've pretty much made a promise to myself after this experience; I'll eat when I'm hungry. Not before, and not after. : ) After a long day of talking, food and board games we...
  11. Blogger Blogger.

    No one likes a blogger who writes too much. 'Tis my downfall. I can write endlessly in places such as these (blogs and whatnot) yet when I must actually write something, (poem/novel/whatever) it takes ages to do so. Yeaurgh. Well, one good thing? I'm on holidays! Until October 15th! No work except for the Music School on Tuesday night / Wednesday evening. Speaking of such, yesterday one of my piano students didn't show, so I was stuck by myself for the entire time. I did...
  12. Secret Agent Maannn!

    I have a purse, a special black purse with KGB engraved on the side. (It's supposedly a designer purse, but I found it at a thrift store.. I actually bought it only because of the KGB engraving, as the KGB are Russian and Russia is the epitome of awesomeness). This morning I felt like checking the hidden pockets in the thing, and I found quite a bit of paper and business cards, among other things. It was funny to me, as I was trying to imagine what this person was like, and why they sold...
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  13. "..I walked through the air port alone.."

    Life has an interesting way of throwing things at you, spontaneously or not. I'm in a weird spot right now. Week days I'm exhausted, wanting to sleep the day away, ignoring everyone around me. And on Week ends, I'm at home, having nothing to do. I don't want to be at work, yet I'm restless where I am. Hobbies can be fun, but it's the job of finding one. I used to think my hobbies were reading, piano and the internet. But now? Well, I do those things nearly every day, so I'm...
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  14. Why I Write - Random Thoughts

    Branching off on Hulls Raven's thread I thought I would delve off into contemplation land. What compels you to write? - I've wondered this for awhile, mostly because I never enjoyed writing as a child and only recently (the last three years) have I actually written something of small substance. If there's one thing I can control, it's the words I use when I express myself. No one can specifically and purposely control my thoughts; and that is something I value to the highest degree....
  15. "I saw a spaceship.."

    "Fly by your window..." I'm currently jealous of the one's who are able to write such beautiful and unique lines in one single stroke. Their entire thoughts combined into one sweeping motion. No procrastination, no editing. Simplicity in its utmost form. No one knows or understands why and how I write. It's a mystery; to myself and them. I'm afraid of showing such a raw part of myself, to someone who may misunderstand. Well, that's not entirely true. I have shown some...
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