Blog Entries from Gigi_GNR

  1. november 2nd.

    i'm so tired. i've had the kind of night's sleep where you sleep but you aren't well rested. there's a knot in my shoulder that kept me awake most of the night. i always carry my tension in my neck and shoulders and i don't know why or how to stop or if there's something wrong with my bed or my posture or whatever. i want to stop feeling so tense but i don't know how. i feel so unfulfilled lately. and ungrateful for feeling that way. all my shit is taken care of, and i'm in a good place...
  2. october 14th.

    i’m really far ahead in nearly all my classes - like my homework isn’t due for two weeks kind of ahead - my bills are paid for the month, i get to keep most of my paycheck, which is a nice one, and i’ve had enough time to binge watch shows again for the first time in forever, and also to read books, and do fun things, and buy myself nice things? in october? when school is in session and i’m usually poor and struggling? i don’t know what alternate reality i’m in but i like it. the only...
  3. august 11 2016.

    these days it's hard to tell between being grateful for the little things and settling for little good things. if that makes sense? what i mean is: am i actually grateful for small mercies, or do i feel like i have to settle for whatever tiny shreds of good things come my way? i don't know. i feel both sometimes. i have so many goals for the future and a lot of times it feels like i can't do them, or that they'll never come fast enough. i never want to have to settle for anything ever...
  4. august 2 2016.

    moved into my new room. terrible 4th is finally gone. small mercies. well, not so small. i'm so glad she's out. what i'm not glad about, however, is how my room is the tiniest in the house. i'm all cramped in with my stuff and i'm trying not to be upset or resentful of it, but after 2 months of living out of a suitcase i'm eager for it to end and it hasn't yet. and i know that i'll be settling in in the next few days, but i'm at the end of my rope. so fucking tired. i feel sick from bad...
  5. july 14th, 2016

    it's been a month and a half and i feel so much better. that's the first thing that comes to mind. i feel like i'm getting back in touch with my old self, the one who remembers why she does the things she does and enjoys the things she enjoys. i feel like i've woken up from something. i'm a lot more patient, a lot more calm and accepting. a lot more level headed. i've forgotten what that felt like. last summer was all rush rush rush. panic panic panic. i had barely 2k in my savings account...
  6. june 9, 2016

    I feel weird that all my blog entries seem to be about me being upset, but I guess it makes sense. I don't really write journals anymore, although I should start, or at least type them up somewhere. I guess I do it here because it's both secretive and public and sometimes I wish someone would message me and ask if I'm okay, even if it's just to check and they don't actually ~care~ that much. I've been a terrible person this past year and taking a step back from my friends is hard. It's...
  7. feb 24 pt 2: the stream of consciousness edition

    Stressed about school, stressed about grades. I've been skipping partly to get things done and partly because I don't care. I don't know why my relationship to academia has been this way for so long, but it has. Something to bring up in therapy, probably. It's not that I don't want a degree, it's that I don't care about academia or college or this program specifically, because I feel like I'm stagnant even though I'm moving ahead. I just feel like I'm not learning anything I couldn't...
  8. feb 24

    I feel like I have a lot more time this semester, although these past few weeks have been stressful. My school schedule is more forgiving (wrt scheduling; not necessarily coursework), I still work, and because of my impending tax return and my financial aid refund check (for extra left over after the semester was paid for), I feel in a more comfortable place. Of course, joining the bowling team has made things more stressful this month; because I work nights, I don't get time to do...
  9. dec 10

    I'm in a better financial place than I was when I wrote my last entry, because I caved for the first time and asked my grandma to send me 250 to help pay rent. It's not of her own money - I have a reserve of $2,000 that I got from my great-grandma's will that my grandma is holding onto for me (now a reserve of $1,750), so it's still mine, and I'm not being a financial burden on her or anyone else in my family, but still. I was a mixture of really grateful and embarrassed asking for it, even...
  10. nov 27

    I haven't ever really used this blog, but I feel like these entries are gonna happen more and more lately. I'm just tired of being stressed. And I'm tired of saying that I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of working so hard at school and at work and yet always feeling like I'm teetering on the edge of a collapse. I'm tired of saying the word "hopefully" about the things I want to do - hopefully I'll have enough time, hopefully I'll do X by this date, hopefully hopefully hopefully -...
  11. november - part 2

    I also can't stop feeling like I'm making all the wrong decisions, constantly. Like my life is a game of Until Dawn or something, and every choice I make is a QTE that I'm not pushing the buttons fast enough on. Buying healthy food? Well look, you just spent $83 in a day, where are you gonna get that back from? Buying unhealthy food to save money? Now you're eating like shit, which is the very thing you said you would stop doing. Don't you want your trips to the gym to be worth it?...
  12. november

    I'm so stressed. I'm so stressed and I have no time for the free therapy place at my school because I don't have a spare hour that coincides with their hours and I have no money for a copay for a therapy place outside of school right now and I'm tired of posting in the threads and on my tumblr and making the occasional sad facebook status. I need to rant but there's no one to rant to, and I feel guilty for ranting anyway, so I need an isolated place to talk about this. I'm so fucking sick...
  13. relationships

    I just.... I don't understand how people can do certain things in relationships. I don't understand how people can do friends with benefits. I don't understand how people would rather have sex and then get to know someone instead of getting to know someone and then having sex with them. I don't... I just don't get it. And I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way about it. I'm so tired of wondering why some dude I liked who I had chemistry with and got to know and developed feelings for could...
  14. a quick rant

    I know I've posted in the unhappy thread - and even started a new thread - about heartbreak, but I feel the need to rant a little right now about weird feelings, and this is the place for it. I've posted a little about what happened, and I'll probably make another blog entry detailing fully what happened, but basically I'll quote my post from the heartbreak thread here: In September, I transferred to my current college after the first year spent at home and going to the smaller college...
  15. Suburban War

    I wrote this for a contest at school and decided to post it here. Enjoy! :) Lights filter past the darkened windows, whipping through their lines of vision and disappearing, leaving hazy streaks behind. The road stretches endlessly in front of them, eaten up by the tires under them in this creaky car. New York, the city that never sleeps. The lights look beautiful at night, one of those sights that long ago would have made them park somewhere and get out, strolling hand in hand, lost in...
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