Blog Entries from jim onion

  1. Impromptu commentary on the shadow | Hanekawa (Part 2 of Indefinite)

    I'm not feeling too well, so this might be a bit rough around the edges. But I wanted to do something more on the creative side. Hanekawa Tsubasa is the class presidents of class presidents, it is said. She is the archetype. But no human can be a pure archetype. It would be more accurate to say that any human can strive for a given ideal, an archetype if you will, and sometimes *it* may manifest itself through the person. Have you ever heard (the somewhat cliche) "it's always the quiet...
  2. Dialogue Excerpt from The Untitled Manuscript

    "You need to understand something." Field Marshal Morgan turned from the window overlooking the courtyard and rested his elbows on the desk. A shadow fell across his face, and his eyes glinted with a steely gaze from atop the pyramid of his folded fingers. "Your malcontent—I will not have you breeding your illness among my men. If you threaten the harmony of Arago, I will not hesitate to have you dealt with. It is bad enough I must tolerate that fool and his marble worshipping cult. But the...
  3. Never Talking About That Again, and You Shouldn't Either

    I think tonight I will make a vow. A vow to never talk politics with anyone, ever again. Now, I haven't worked out all the details yet. There may be instances where I am required to say something about politics, if it's related to some literary work or piece of art; if it is required for school. But I will need to think really hard about what is *truly* required. Unless something has to do directly with me, like the policing of my speech, or infringing on my rights (or the real threat of...
  4. Fake it, fake it, and still I never make it

    This won't be long. My roommate and I were talking about my unexplainable reaction to seeing a pretty girl. Depression. Well, unexplained as-of-yet. I could cook up some guesses. But it'd all be food I've served you, reader, before. I know, you want to eat something else. This establishment has really gone downhill. I'm sorry. Your meal is on the house tonight. All I can really do is put on a brave face. Smile and suffer. It is only thanks to faith, an absurdly radical acceptance, and...
  5. The Saboteur archetype - meandering stream of consciousness

    It's been more than just difficult, but after a good 5-6 years I feel like I've finally gotten somewhere significantly different and better than where I was in regards to dating. I'd been stuck-in-place by my own logic for the longest time. Like a Chinese finger trap, I didn't need to pull away, but push further in. The issue though is that that can be really scary, even if we're not particularly anxious at the time. Why? Well, when you're already feeling overwhelmed by the complexity, it...
  6. Thank God

    Thank God for everything and for everyone that will make living with a lifetime of mental illness worth it.
  7. from lament to deliberate dissociation

    It's no wonder that work-life separation is a healthy necessity. My "normal" self has never been school appropriate. It's never been workplace appropriate. Reading a handful of my blogs would make that obvious. Unfortunately, that creates a great deal of internal dissonance. And given that the externals are unlikely to change, that society will go on being society and operating with the same structure, I have a lifetime of such inner agony to look forward to. With that said, work-life...
  8. Thoughts on Meandering Boundaries

    My one roommate has told me a couple times that, when it comes to relationships, he's not too good at setting boundaries. I think many of us can think of a person who, once they got a girlfriend or boyfriend, they might as well have been completely absorbed by that other person as if they were some kind of monster. You suddenly stop seeing them, sometimes for days at a time. They don't tell you when or where they are going. They turn down invitations to go out to eat or hang out or do...
  9. So I got a terrible grade on this

    I kind of understand why, kind of don't. So I sent my professor an email asking if we could meet for office hours. In sum, I said: "Hi, thanks for the feedback! I understand you don't want me to include novels that aren't from this class. Ultimately, I'm at a loss as to what to do. I guess, in a sort of existential crisis sort of way, I don't really understand what this assignment even is. And I'm starting to get "Vietnam" flashbacks to some of my previous English courses where I honestly...
  10. Reset the Clock

    Been recovering for the past several days after giving nicotine a try. Went 10 months without it, but hey—reset that clock. Having been practicing not ruminating, along with a better internal dialogue, I'm not too bummed out about it. Although I'm a bit more preoccupied with the anxiety that's flared up. Yes, you read it right, I am still recovering three DAYS later. Symptoms come and go, sure, but right now I've got quite a tension headache. Also, thought loops and the temptation to think...
  11. Boredom

    I tried to think of some creative things to say. The reality is: there are still nights where I just want to drink until I pass out. There are still times where I wish I could just have some nicotine and block out the world. It's been almost a year since I quit everything. Being sober is still incredibly boring. Dull. I wonder if my "problems" were all made-up in my head. When I'm not sober, I feel like I can reach another place inside myself, another headspace. I used to be so relaxed....
  12. Sleep Log 01

    So, I've decided to keep track of my sleep better, because I need to get a sleep study done and the information may prove useful. The past couple days I have forced myself out of bed "early". I would say altogether I got 8 hours of sleep between the two of them, falling asleep around 8AM and waking up around 12:30. As you can imagine, last night I was very tired. I went to bed around midnight, and after just watching some YouTube videos, I fell asleep around 1:30-1:45AM. I have just...
  13. The Violet Evergarden post "depression" blog

    My roommate and I just watched the Violet Evergarden movie that released a couple years ago, and I must say: Gesamtkunstwerk. Nothing is without its flaws. I felt the climax was a little melodramatic. But part of me also felt that... it had the right to be. It had every right to be a little melodramatic. It's a climax that had been building and building since the first episode of the show that released four years ago. I was a couple years late to the party, but Violet's story got the...
  14. Impromptu commentary on the shadow | Hanekawa (Part 1 of Indefinite)

    I haven't read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, so there are certainly nuances to the old story that I am unaware of. But for those of you who haven't read Monogatari or seen its anime adaptation, this might be a good place to start with trying to understand the character of Hanekawa Tsubasa, featured in the image above. In a low resolution way, their stories share the same fundamental basis. We have one person, but some kind of split in personality. Or do we have "two people" in the same body?...
  15. Happiness and Intellect, the correlation

    The first challenge in writing this blog post is to first not seem like I am just bragging about having a big brain; I make no claim to genius IQ. The second challenge is that it is almost cliche to talk about this relationship because of the nauseating sayings "he who increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow" and "ignorance is bliss". As a result, I feel like nobody really takes this problem seriously. Which is unfortunate, since I do suffer from this problem. My father has instilled in me...
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