Blog Entries from O.M. Hillside

  1. The final word on Colarado

    This is the last I will say about Colarado. It took me some time, but I've realized the reality behind my own motivation and the experience which I had. It wasn't a badass adventure or a thrilling experience. It was a change of pace and I entered a very different frame of mind whilst I was on this adventure (it may not have been badass, but I would still say it was kind of an adventure). The reality behind the experience was that I needed to learn something and somehow I found what I was...
  2. I went to Colorado pt 2

    So as I was driving, I told myself that it was okay. Maybe something would have happened and I just wasn't prepared for that, so continuing on was just the right thing to do. And yet, I thought of a quote I found from a curiousity that I had investigated awhile ago: "Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear." So I knew in my heart that yes, what I did was a little bit cowardly. I mean, I was run off from my camp by a gust of wind. But it was still a big step in overcoming my...
  3. I went to Colorado pt 1

    I had a strange experience. I took a trip to Denver, Colorado because I couldn't take my job anymore and I quit it. But I chose to go to Colorado specifically because it was a place I was interested in moving to. I saved up just about 1400 dollars and took my 2001 Toyota Corolla 1000 miles from the unabashed heat of the LA area to the mild, somewhat chilly at night land of Colorado. It was a bit of a misadventure. First, I feel like I aged a few years just by taking this trip. This was the...
  4. Things seem to be going well

    Well, I've been quite busy as of late. I've settled on an inconsistent routine of working, smoking (both), gaming, and sleeping. Also eating. And seeing to other biological necessities. Started watching Black Lagoon. It's fun to fantasize about breaking away from polite society for a life of crime on the high seas. Considering the morality question here, I'll just settle for hiking and camping for my sense of adventure. And when I can concievably get a week off work, maybe I'll even go...
  5. Positive Vibes

    The reality is that the world isn't ending and things aren't that bad. Even if things do get bad, I still have to get on with life. And the only way I can think of to move forward through the crisis (again, I'm talking about the political one, not the 'rona) is to find a way to remember that I still have two hands, two legs and the desire to create. While my recent activity betrays a brief foray into the world of hysteria, I've got a full plate again and I feel my sanity coming back. Staying...
  6. Apocalyptic Vibes

    I don't really think the world is going to end (no, really). Certainly not at the hands of a 'roided up flu. But nevertheless, what with the political situation that has been developing for several decades, I've got my worries. At the moment, I've started to feel an uneasy sense of impending doom. But who knows what time will reveal? So these are some songs that have helped (helped? yeah, definitely) me in the way that when you're sinking in water, the more you fight it, all you do is sink...
  7. First day

    So I have my first real shift at my new job today. Woke up at 4 am for this 6 am shift. Tomorrow I've gotta be there at 7 at night. So it's one of those jobs. Given how inconsistent my sleeping schedule has been this year anyway, I don't figure I'm losing anything. At least now I can be paid to be a coffee-addled night owl. But I'm not concerned with the difficulties that come with this job. All jobs are chalk full of those and the grass is always greener. I just want to write something to...
  8. Forgot my mask

    I went to get some pizza today and pick up my Mom's medication from the pharmacy. I've been cooperative with these rules on wearing masks but today I just forgot it. I was nearly at the pharmacy when I remembered and figured it would be okay to just go in without the mask this once. Well, I was right. The pharmacist behind the counter's mask didn't even squirm or squiggle. She didn't miss a beat and greeted me with a warm welcome: "Last name?" Well, some things never change, I guess. But I...
  9. My Experience with Taekwondo

    When I was in highschool, I briefly tried Taekwondo. I didn't get much out of it. At first, it was great. I took to it pretty well and it wasn't too long until I was ready to advance to the next belt. But I was an idiot kid. I chickened out before taking the test. Instead of making the most of something which I actually enjoyed, my brain -- which has consistently been my enemy in my life -- came up with all sorts of reasons to not do it. I felt like maybe it was too easy or it wasn't legit....
  10. I went camping

    In the midst of all the bs happening over the last couple days, let alone the pandemic, I went camping with some friends. I only stayed one night because this was my first time camping and I just didn't want to stay another night. And yet, I really enjoyed my time. Completely unplugged, staring at rocks for hours, hiking, freeform rock climbing on giant rocks. Drinks, games, etc. It was really hard and boring, but somehow was a really refreshing experience. It's nice to feel that distance...
  11. Good times, bad times, and the bit in between

    I tend to expound at length the different shades of feeling like shit, but right now I actually feel pretty good. Nothing special or interesting about it. But I feel at peace and I feel optimistic. It's odd how, in feeling optimistic, I don't need to explain my childhood or relations with others, it just is. Yet, if things suck, then I've got to talk about all the flaws of society and my limitations. I suppose it's a logical mechanism built to get at the source of a problem so it can...
  12. a stream of conciousness post

    I've been depressed for half my life since I was 11, and yet lately I've found myself wishing to go back to highschool. Or just be in that state of mind when I could guiltlessly dwell in my imagination. Now, I can hardly do that without feeling like I'm a huge failure and a dork. I didn't appreciate what I had -- but I guess few do at that age. I lacked perspective. At least now I have the perspective to know that I still lack perspective. But back then, I could be so shamelessly lost in my...
  13. I want quiet

    There's electronics in every room, my computer is always humming. By habit, I tend to be listening to something with my headphones a lot. When I want to take them off and just have a quiet time doing something productive, there's ruckus in the other rooms. My house's walls are paper. My parents have the TV on ALL the time. And because they're old the volume is super loud because otherwise they can't hear. Kind of reminds me of that youth "rebel" slogan: "If the music's too loud, you're too...
  14. Want to smoke...

    I miss smoking weed today. I haven't missed it this much in awhile. But I just want to go buy a couple grams, some wraps, and roll a joint. I would go for a hike and smoke it on the trail. Maybe bring some music, too. I quit for a reason. And I find my mental faculties have improved since stopping. It would be a bad idea. I shouldn't do it. Yet... I want to. Hopefully, I can keep fighting the urge. If anyone wants to help me talk out of it, I'd actually kind of appreciate that.
  15. Unknown unknowns

    With all the unknown unknowns, and all the unknowns you thought were known, I seem to know that I have no clue what's truly true. But I can and do know that I have love in my heart. As long as I can have that, I know that life's okay. I can justify existence on that grounds. I don't know if that's all there is to being happy, but it's the one thing I can point to when I just wanna give up. It's the one comfort when I feel so confused by all the craziness of the world. Not knowing why...
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