Blog Entries from O.M. Hillside

  1. Always want to die, until that's an actual possibility

    It's not even a super depressive thing usually. It's just like, god dammit, I should just kill myself. Not like, oh god take me! Or some crap. Like I'll be in traffic during rush hour (in LA), and just be like, "You know, if I were to just kill myself this problem would go away." It usually starts off as a joke, but it's surprising how reasonable a solution suicide actually is. Anyways, the suicidal paradigm is one which I've entertained, but never seriously considered. And then recently I...
  2. When your inner-world stops making sense within reality

    The "inner-world". It's the only thing which you can say you experience for sure. The tall ass trees you walk by on your way to the grocery store are things out there in the real world. And yet, you perceive them in your mind like your eyes are a live camera downloading all the data from the world into a live feed. It works somewhat similarly too, you can even access the footage a little later. But it seems to get a little distorted the further away you walk past the trees. By the time you...
  3. Expectations and Disappointment

    So my last blog entry with very dramatic. I think there's truth to what I said, but I also think it was inspired by a recent disappointment as well as a few cups of rum and coke. I think what I've learned from the experience is this: expectation and disappointment are intrinsically and therefore irrevocably intertwined. Expectation, especially in the modern age -- but even before all the technology and prosperity, often balloons up so high as to overshadow reality. Imagine the earth itself,...
  4. At the end we fall apart

    We fall apart at the end. We lose at the end. We go through the motions of trying to predict a positive end in the short term. Short term as in 50 years. But we all lose in the end. The best possible outcome is being really happy before you lose. But you lose. That's non-negotiable. Yet we still want to live. It's inexplicable. It's the human condition. It's knowing this. It's the opposite of bliss, the opposite of ignorance: knowing. You can distract yourself. Be happy in love. Be miserable...
  5. Present Moment, Framework of Thought, Spirit of Adventure. Personal Universes

    I feel like the first batch of stories I wrote almost belong in their own universe fueled by some kind of HUD of perceptions. Ideas about people and the world. Observations. Depth of life experience. Perspective. And in just a few months, I've changed so much as a person, for the better I think, and I'm no longer able to write exactly the way I did before. Because the underlying assumptions of those universes I created, I no longer take for granted. Or at least not in the same way. It's not...
  6. What is Art?

    I find it rather annoying when people claim that art is purely self-expression. Art is much more than that. Art is an expression of the deepest truths of life, the universe, and the human condition. Self-expression is the vehicle by which a work can arrive at the level of art. But the person doing the expression must necessarily be someone who's noticed something interesting regarding life. An artist observes the world, like a scientist and with a similar goal as one: to find the truth....
  7. Anything but lazy, but...

    I'm not lazy to be clear. I've worked so hard before I've actually seen pretty colors dancing before me and fell asleep spontaneously, waking up in my clothes with spilled coffee on my desk. When I am motivated, nothing can stop me. And yet, I can be stopped. When my motivation is destroyed, nothing can make me move short of a gun brandished about my face. Basically, I need to believe in what I'm doing. Right now, I just don't. And it's really hard to get moving. I don't know if that's just...
  8. What should I listen to?

    What should I listen to? The voice of dissidence in my head that goes "Fuck college. Fuck college. Drop out. You can do better. You can find your own way. This is a detriment. It's a load of bs. Fuck college." Or should I listen to the voice drummed into my brain by society, speaking with a sense of cushioning around every syllable: "Put in your time. Follow the well-traveled road. The grass is smooshed down already by the contented ahead of you, providing the right path for you to be a...
  9. I can't poet, I can only prose poetically

    Seasons The summer comes with the promise of easy living, The winter follows with the promise of purpose. I'm from California, where winter is only 10 degrees cooler. Nonetheless, the sun hides its face during the winter. And it's the sun that beams rays of the fruit of a year's suffering. The dark afternoons of winter scream out, a calling: Find yourself, again and again, like you've done dozens of times. Then carry yourself out, with divine devotion, and get there, wherever you're going....
  10. Being a parrot

    I feel like a parrot sometimes, reiterating concepts, hardwired into my heart's desires through years of complex association, in words that aren't my own. My inner motivations, desires, and thoughts are real, although when I dissect them to the root, it's amazing how much falls away. All the things I'm preoccupied with are synthetic. They're all peripheral. Would it be nice, for example, to have fame, glory, money, friends, love, etc? Yeah, totally. But again, they're all peripheral. The...
  11. Day One of Filming Done

    So this morning, through steam rolling and resourcefulness on both my part and the cinematographer's part, we were able to get a day of filming done. We should be able to finish up filming tomorrow. So here's the basic story. Our cast of characters (name's are changed, obviously) are Mitchell the audio guy, Miguel the director, James the co-writer, Jimmy the cinematographer, Eric actor 1, Jane, actor 2, Richard actor 3, and Daniel actor 4, and of course me, the main writer. James caused...
  12. This is my blog, there are many like it, but this one is mine...

    My blog is my best friend, it is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, this blog is useless. Without my blog, I am useless. I must blog my blog true, I must blog bloggier than my enemy who is trying to blog me. I must blog him before he blogs me. I will. Now re-read that but insert "dick" anywhere it says "blog". And then go brush up on some Stanley Kubrick if you didn't get it immediately. You're sincerely missing out if that's the case. Anyway, I am currently...
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