Blog Entries from Un-substantial

  1. It's so far away, this...'happily ever after'.

    today i crashed. i broke down. i cried. and cried. and cried. i yelled at my mom. i hurt her. she hurt me. i found out my picture perfect family isn't so perfect. it feels like we are falling apart. there is so much tension. so much pressure. i'm cracking. i'm dying. i'm failing. i no longer can do anything right. i'm not good enough for anyone. i don't live up to people's expectations. i don't even live up to my own. i'm a pathetic person. i've fallen so far. i'm in...
  2. I'm Tired of Feeling Like the Only One Who:

    Is alone Isn't whole Can't handle little misfortune Breaks down every day Needs attention constantly Craves attention constantly Isn't loved Doesn't love Is scared to love Lets people down Gets let down Gets ditched for cooler people Isn't 'cool' Doesn't know how to act Is laughed at Is made fun of Is ignored Is 'weird' Wants more Isn't happy Wants to cry forever Cries at school Is loved by only my stuffed animals Plays video games to feel better Is isolated Is...
  3. I Want Somebody...

    I want somebody to show they love me, Somebody to hold me tight. I want somebody to kiss me softly and sweetly, and to tell me that they love me. I want somebody to talk to; Somebody to share burdens with and cry with. I want somebody to console me, and tell me that everything's okay. I want somebody to protect me; Somebody to hide me away. I want somebody to fight away the demons and let nothing ever harm me. I want somebody to let me fight; Somebody who won't shelter me....
  4. When Life Doesn't Give You Lemons...

    Often times you hear the saying, “When life gives you lemons make lemonade,” but what about when life isn’t giving you lemons? That’s when you have to find your own lemons. You need to improvise and figure out a solution on your own. This past year I learned a very valuable lesson that seems simple. I learned to never give up. Sure I’ve been told this countless times, but this year I was tested and that lesson didn’t seem as simple as I originally thought. I came to realise that some...
  5. 'Emo' only scratches the surface...Literally

    Dark dreams plague my sleep, and during the day, I walk with my nightmares. The night is so much easier, because I don't exist any more. Don't judge me by my appearance. My hair is hiding my attempt to cover my tear stained eyes with make-up, and it gives my eyes privacy to cry. My tight clothes are merely holding the pieces of me together, and my wrists? They bear the markings of each passing day. It's been so long since I started counting the hours until things are better. Or...
  6. Memory Lane Isn't Always Pleasant.

    From the very beginning I could see what was happening. Now that I think of it, I really should've done something more than my feeble attempts to save them. But how could I? I had no proof of anything. That's because there was no proof, because nothing had happened. Yet. And instinct just isn't enough to convince someone to give up what they love most. Or what they think they love most. Especially when the person doesn't listen much to you in the first place. In the end it turned out...
  7. Wounded

    I was lucky. I wasn't a statistic. At least, I wasn't coming home as one. I was coming home as a soldier returning from war. I came home because I was wounded, and that probably saved my life. If the bomb had blown up any farther away the I would've come away from that incident unharmed, only to go back to die. I wasn't able to continue fighting, because my leg was so badly wounded, that they had to amputate. But I'm not bitter, or angry about it, like you might think I am. Instead I...
  8. Drama Monologue

    So I have to write a monologue in drama... It has to be centered around the theme of 'war and peace'. That is kind of depressing if you ask me. But it has to be done...by next period, so I have 30 minutes to write it, and stay under the radar so my english teacher doesn't catch me doing other work in her class. This is going to be fun... I need a statistic first off. It needs to be any statistic from any kind of war. Past, present, good, bad, something. Then I have to write about...
  9. If I were the Queen of Canada...

    If I were the queen of Canada, it would be freakin’ sweet!!!! I would like, party all the time, and everyone would love me because I’m their queen, and everyone would be happy!!! No one would have to work, because working is stupid. We would share our food and homes with everyone, and we would live in prosperity. And then, whoever marries me, would be the king!!! Then Canada would be a monarch country….would we be a state then? No!!! Because I said so, and I’m queen, and what I says...
  10. I'm torn between what keeps me whole and what tears me in half

    Do you ever feel so torn between polar opposite emotions that you just end up being neutral? Unfeeling and uncaring? Like a robot? Just because you are so confused about how you should feel? How you want to feel? I feel like that. Sort of. Sometimes. Except when I'm so torn that is depresses me. I can't feel happiness. I can fake it, and sometimes it's real, just for a while, but it eventually fades. It's inevitable, when you're torn. I am torn between happiness, and depression....
  11. Death and Acceptance

    Losing someone you love is the worst thing you will ever go through. And watching someone you love lose someone that they love, that's the second worse thing. If you haven't experienced either yet, then understand that you are blessed. I am only 15, and I have endured the painful losses of 4 of my loved ones, and watched many more of my loved ones lose someone that they love. It's crushing. Heartbreaking. Devastating. And almost impossible to cope with. Not only did I just lose a...
  12. Run...run,run away.

    I want to run. Run fast. Slow. Straight. Zig-Zagged. Far. Close. I want to run somewhere. To nowhere. No place. Or to some place. Run to reality. To all the complications. I want to run to fantasy. To simplicity. To happiness. To love. Or to anger. Hatred. Isolation. Loneliness. If I could run forever. Never stopping. Away from everything. And towards everything. I would lose everything. And gain everything. I want to run so badly. So...
  13. Where's my happy bottle?

    Everyone's got a reason for drowning in their misery. Family issues, peer pressure, abusive relationships, ect, ect. They all have a valid reason, and therefore, have the means of fixing whatever it is that's bothering them. Then there are people like me. Wait, no, there's JUST me. I doubt there is anyone else even remotely like me. Want to know why? I have no problems. My life is hunky-dory. Perfect. With the exceptions of school, homework, chores, occasional bickering fights with family...
  14. He always seemed to know me, love me...

    --It wasn't actually last night, because I wrote this last week, when I had the dream-- Last night I had the most amazing, reassuring, and just plain uplifting dream I've ever had. I believe it was sent directly from God. Maybe I'm just being stupid. But just maybe. I was with another person. A guy my age. We weren't very close at first and I was kind of shy around him. As we got to know each other - mostly because he was eager to be my friend - I grew more comfortable with him. He...
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