Just dropped my dog (formally my brothers dog) off for her second surgery today. That last one was in January. For anyone who read my previous blog, it's part of the reason I've racked up so much dept in such a short period of time. I don't know where my head would be at if I lost her. She's the embodiment of innocence , something so pure and joyful in an otherwise shit infested world. The cynic in me can't find a fault in her, no motivation other then bringing me joy simply because she loves me( I lied, the cynic spoke. She uses me for food, I'm a big ugly vending machine to her!). As a man I try not to cry in front of others and use anger to mask my sadness. I must have looked like such an asshole in that waiting room, but if I don't wear the face of anger I cry like a baby. Doesn't take much to make me cry, the eyes start to water at a simple greeting if I'm caught off guard before I put on a scowl. I'm going to try some positive affirmation here, just this one. She will be fine, and I'll see her again soon, happy and smiling and slobbering all over the place.
I'm walking a dangerous road, I know it. Second night in a row where I've finished an entire bottle of vodka. Granted, this is over a course of several hours, with some food scattered about here and there. I'm not a complete fool. I just couldn't resist feeling happy for a few hours again. The danger isn't lost on me, I know I'm the perfect candidate for Mr. 0.08%(According to the U.S..just looked that up) blood alcohol level to take and hold control of, but I don't care at this point. My family had meth, weed, cocaine and whatever else they chose to do. Up until I tasted beer, all I had was video games, porn, and food. I would trade them forever for this feeling. I've got a good system, and that system includes the mass ingestion of WATER with every few sips of drink. Takes away all repercussions the next morning. No headache, no pain, just the emotional sadness of being back to normal. It's not lost on me that every addict at one point thinks they have it under control. Quit my job again about a month ago. Didn't really quit, just stopped going. Started one day where I couldn't get out of bed, I just lay there all day letting the phone go to voicemail, by the time I realized I had made a huge mistake, it was to late, I hadn't showed up for a week worth of shifts. Already racked up over 3000 in debt after blowing through savings, including a 1000 dollar cash advance for rent. What's next? Back to some construction type job? Can't believe I thought I could hack doing something in software engineering. I tried. Hours and hours of reviewing python, moving to javascript, then finally realizing I had a curiosity that hindered progress. I need to know how everything is made but don't have the abilility to comprehend the answers. Knowing that someone else has created a function, or entire libraries of code that abstract away everything of challenge just made me feel pathetic. So I started trying to Learn C. Hahahahah, I never knew how stupid I really was until now. How did these geniuses do it? I just think about the print function and my mind goes blank, and I feel a deep fear rise in me. Ignorance isn't bliss for me, it's torture. I'm ranting now.... I've probably had one to many shots at this point, I know when enough is enough. Getting drunk drunk is never fun, but coasting is a blast. I take a few shots of the hard stuff, and coast with a non alchoholic beer. 0.5 ALC/Vol per 355ml it says. It really just keeps me from ingesting to much poison. Preoccupies me. One thing I've also noticed is I'm completely over tobacco. No urge to smoke even now, and I have smokes available to me. Found a pack in an old coat a little while ago. I thought I would keep them in case I had family come by, but they are never short of tobacco when they do, so I've never had to offer my stale boys up. I've begun my ingestion of the wine, never liked wine to be honest, but it's the only booze left(Home made by my cousins in Italy apparently!). Small sips...I promise. This ones for you nonno Micheal.
The critical voice doesn't speak as much when I drink alone. I can appreciate people and all the good in the world. But I know it won't last, I know that if I continue past the end of this bottle there will be nothing but pain and suffering. I don't drink often, but when I do I'm always amazed how I can resist it ordinarily. But even now I know tomorrow morning is going to be rough. I just wish I could feel some of this when I'm sober instead of being a cynical asshole all the time. People can't even tell when I'm drunk, they just like me when I am. So what's different about me now compared to when I'm sober? I'm positive and happy, I'm not thinking about what others are thinking, and all the aches and pains are gone. Recreating that in my normal reality will be a tall task. Once and a while it's nice to feel this way, to feel like things are possible. Is this what good people are like? What part of my brain is turned off when I drink, maybe I'm better off without it.
A friend of mine I haven't seen in a long time contacted me, asked if I wanted to head to a bar for some drinks. I did what I always do and played around a yes or no answer long enough for him to say "Alright, next time". Maybe there will be another chance, but even if there is I don't see myself saying yes. When it comes to accepting an invitation to go somewhere, I just can't do it. Yeah, he wanted to catch up and have a few drinks, yeah he probably wanted me to say yes. But he doesn't know the specifics of what a yes from me will entail. I haven't been to a bar in years, I haven't talked to someone face to face for longer then a minute in about the same amount of time. I want to say yes, but I feel that morally, saying no is the right thing to do. I've spared him the discomfort of having to deal with me. I care about my friends, and to me it seems that each and every one of them is better off without me. This one is no different. I can't even think about what I might talk about other then my own drama, hence why I'm here writing this blog instead of being out on a friday night with a good friend from ages ago. I should be grateful that I even have people in my life interested in still contacting me, I thought I burned all the bridges already. I'm not better off on my own, but people are better off without me. The sooner I can convince my close family of this, the sooner I can do what needs to be done.
There's nothing to fear. But be on guard just in case. For what? Danger of course. But like I said, nothing to fear here, go get em champ. Wow wow wow, you forgot your seat belt buddy! Yeah I know there's nothing to fear, but just in case that thing that won't happen happens, this here seat belt will prevent you from flying out of this here window and becoming jelly. Ok, you're just being silly now, I've told you a hundred times nothing ain't ever goona happen that's bad to you kid! Just remember to stay away from bad people and drugs. Well it's easy to spot em son, you just gotta get close to them and get to know them, then you'll find out if they're good or bad. So better to just avoid em. Who? bad people you dunce! How do you tell if peoples be bad without getting to know them....well duh kiddo, judge the fuck outta what they look like and infer from there what they done believe! But remember, don't judge and try to get to know people, just not the bad people. Well, you can usually surmise if they be devils or not if they wear a red hat or say...have white skin and a hanging donger. (These things are variables though, they change with the times, so keep up with them. A little while ago the trend was to avoid the darkies, but with revenge and all its swinging the other way). Then you simply ignore them, and if you really wanna do good, violate their space and be violent with them. Just make sure to wear a mask and to run away quick like. Yep, life is a breeze if you know what to look out for, and always keep in mind that there's nothing to fear except those things I told you about. Also, best to stay indoors under a cement roof during new years, stray bullets run wild here that time of year(Them filthy evil whites and all)
Limitless pill runs out after he cleans his house, how funny would that be. Usually how ordinary willpower works, you clean up your space, set everything up nice and then...."Shit I'm horny" go and jerk one out and then it's gone. All that motivation, that false emotion that made you think everything was going to be okay and that what you planned to do was achievable shot right out of you with your load. You sit there apathetically, perhaps even with a rising panic wondering what the hell you were thinking. Wondering how on Earth your perception could change so rapidly, how your reality is so much different now than it was only a few minutes ago. This causes you to embrace the lingering sadness, the only true reality you know to be true. Death is coming and you're waiting for it, not a God damn thing you do will change it. You shut down the word document you planned to write your story with, throw the jizz rag lazily into the trash and miss, and finally slump down into a chair or your bed and let the depression eat away at you.
I'm feeling sad, but not the terrible kind. I'm talking about the kind that makes you binge listen to a bunch of sad songs to keep the feeling going. It's good and bad at the same time. Like thinking about a time past that was amazing, while simultaneously knowing it's never coming back; you don't wanna stop thinking about the good time even when it causes you pain. The high school yearbook, who would of figured it would come back to bite me in the ass. I always told myself I was one of those kids who hated high school, but truth be told... it was alright. In fact, compared to the rest of my life so far they truly were my golden years. I saw a lot of faces I had forgotten, great people who I hope are happy and well. Seeing old friends, and people I knew only in passing. Girls I had crushes on and guys I wanted dead. It feels like I could wake up tomorrow and be back there and it wouldn't be that big of a shock. It doesn't feel like more then a week or two has passed, while at the same time it feels like the exact opposite. It takes a moment to remember all the memories between then and now, and then I remember all the time that has passed. I was a good looking kid I have to say. I didn't think so at the time, and still don't think I'm good looking when I look in the mirror now, but damn! I could have been a damn model! All these weird looking teenagers with acne and weird hairstyles and gangsta gangsta chains, and there I am just smiling like a normal guy, a little twinkle in the eye. You were a great man younger me, glad to share the same body with you. I would totally bone you buddy, and in a way....I already do.
Learning Python has caused me to spiral into depression. But on few occasions where understanding is achieved it has given me a euphoric high I want to chase. The problem is the highs are so far and few between. I feel like I'm listening to people who speak gibberish, and reading documentation is even more confusing. I've identified why I simultaneously love and hate learning, and it's rather simple and probably common knowledge. I love learning when I understand. I hate "learning" when I don't. I just want to know if it's because my brain isn't up to the task and needs more time with the subjects I struggle with, or if I'm at a place of learning far beyond my current understanding. I get stuck in this loop where I think that I've progressed to far beyond my current ability and take a step back to more elementary topics. Then I reread things I've already learned hoping to find something that I missed, something that has made my progress harder then it has to be, but usually I just lose all interest and that's when the depression sinks in deeper. I don't feel like I have time anymore to learn at my "own pace". I ask myself why I want to learn programming, and a stock answer comes to me. "I want to make something" That something usually being identified as a game with more probing. But then I ask myself what type of game, and why? And I get no response. I don't have a reason to do anything anymore. I don't even play video games anymore, I can't enjoy them for more then 10 minutes before that lingering sadness reminds me of its presence, so why on Earth am I trying to learn how one is made? I love seeing progress, I feel happy when I see things get done. I feel great after shoveling the driveway, or I increase a rep on an exercise, because I can see/feel the progress! But I feel like I can't make any progress in more mental endeavors. This lack of understanding extends to literary work as well. The reason I'm such a slow reader is because half the time I have to reread a sentence multiple times to actually let what's happening sink in. I swear, I've read sentences over and over, realizing that I've zoned out or haven't comprehended it, and started over only for it to happen again. So what are my options? What solutions can I apply to this problem? Meditation? I've tried it and I ended up never really sticking to it.The longest stretch has to be back in 2013 when I went full asian mode, buying all sorts of asian themed products and set up my meditation corner. The nice fluffy pillow I had gotten to sit on was soon taken over by the dogs. It always felt so wrong to sit and do nothing but focus on my breath when I had a million things that needed my attention NOW that I never end up doing. I don't remember any real impact on my ability to stay concentrated. It was long ago though, and I certainly was better off mentally then then I am now, so maybe it's worth another shot. Plus it's a great excuse to sit and do nothing like I have been for the last 30 minutes avoiding going back to reading the documentation on a python module. No ones coming to save me, and I'm in need of rescue!
I looked up on Quora how long the average human attention span is after having a lapse in concentration. People love to stroke their own cocks. Succinct answers please. Larry Knowitall, Professional knower, Lover of knowing, & a complete fucking tool (1999-present) "Well...it depends on what you mean by attention span. I've watched enough Jordan Peterson to know that if I constantly repeat 'well it depends on what you mean by...(insert word)' it makes me sound like a deep thinker. After all...I don't want to answer the question incorrectly now, do I? The average human has a common ancestor that dates back ..... Black hair was also tied to the.... Big tubes of hair if you could believe it, along with a microscopic.... So I told Susie to go to the market and get it done!...but I digress....so to answer your question, IT DEPENDS." Fuck you Larry.
I've been playing with the idea for longer then I've actually been in the game, I think I can trace it as far back as primary school, where I lied to a friend that I knew how to code. He believed me, and we spent our recesses sketching concept art for our game, and coming up with ideas we couldn't believe hadn't been implemented in gaming already. I remember one key component of our open world game. -Real aging of people and trees and wildlife (Pfff, simple Alex, I can make that in a day! What else!) That week was an exciting one, but when the weekend came round and we saw each other again on Monday, the passion was gone, and we were on to new and better things. Might of been Yu-Gi-Oh, might of been bay blade, I couldn't say. I've been with one foot in the water for over a year, dabbling in some lessons here and there, only to become enraged at my inability to code something that functioned or had any real use. Deep breaths help, but it's all to easy to tab out of the lesson, close Pycharm and open up League of Legends. Just a little break! Fool, it's never a little break. Keep your head down, take the blows, and keep moving forward. Let the anger come, breath with it, experience it, wait it out and get back in the fight. I'm inspiring myself, but I'm in queue for an ARAM, no time for personal development...I've got Teemo.
I There are things which are within our power, and there are things which are beyond our power. Within our power are opinion, aim, desire, aversion, and, in one word, whatever affairs are our own. Beyond our power are body, property, reputation, office, and, in one word, whatever are not properly our own affairs. The only thing we can be certain to have any real control over is our mind. Anything outside of our minds are subject to natures influence. Our body can succumb to illness, our property could fall to calamity, our reputation inhabit the mind of others which we cannot reliably influence, our position could crumble with societal decay. From this passage I discern that the only thing we can train to actually have absolute control over is our mind. Is our mind not subject to natures influence, does it not experience decay and corruption outside of our influence? Is it just that it is the only thing we can hope to control that is the key point, not that we will always have control? Now the things within our power are by nature free, unrestricted, unhindered; but those beyond our power are weak, dependent, restricted, alien. Remember, then, that if you attribute freedom to things by nature dependent and take what belongs to others for your own, you will be hindered, you will lament, you will be disturbed, you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you take for your own only that which is your own and view what belongs to others just as it really is, then no one will ever compel you, no one will restrict you; you will find fault with no one, you will accuse no one, you will do nothing against your will; no one will hurt you, you will not have an enemy, nor will you suffer any harm. "Now the things within our power are by nature free, unrestricted, unhindered" I assume that free, unrestricted, and unhindered is to mean, that which is unfettered, and not reliant on natures good fortune; that which will remain within the same set of rules despite the changing environment around it. That which is not reliant on things outside itself. "But those beyond our power are weak,dependent, restricted, alien.Remember, then, that if you attribute freedom to things by nature dependent and take what belongs to others for your own, you will be hindered, you will lament, you will be disturbed, you will find fault both with gods and men." I can understand "dependent and restricted" with the line of thinking I'm currently on, but I don't understand why things outside our power are weak, or to be considered alien (outside the fact that they are alien to our mind, as in outside of it) Things outside our power are things which rely on circumstance, society, culture, ancestry,biology. They are confined/restricted by a set of rules we have no definite control over. They are nature, subject to change we cannot prevent; we have no control over nature, only temporary manipulation. We have only one logical course of action, and that is to conform to nature. If you fight it, you will experience dissatisfaction and grief, and grow resentful with the world. Dutch from Red Dead Redemption comes to mind...."You can't fight gravity, you can't fight change" But if you take for your own only that which is your own and view what belongs to others just as it really is, then no one will ever compel you, no one will restrict you; you will find fault with no one, you will accuse no one, you will do nothing against your will; no one will hurt you, you will not have an enemy, nor will you suffer any harm. If you take control of what you can control, and do not seek to claim things which are not of your control, you will be at the mercy of only your own will. You cannot control the thought of another man for example, who is himself a part of nature. If you insist on worrying, or trying to change the thought of another, you will be subject to their influence, compelled to conform to their ideals, you will brew in anger over what you cannot control, acquire an enemy of whom you yourself have created. Aiming, therefore, at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself any inclination, however slight, toward the attainment of the others; but that you must entirely quit some of them, and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would have these, and possess power and wealth likewise, you may miss the latter in seeking the former; and you will certainly fail of that by which alone happiness and freedom are procured. I keep rereading, and become confused at "the attainment of the others" I feel a vague understanding setting in, but I'm unable to articulate it. If anyone is reading and can offer some guidance I would very much appreciate it. Seek at once, therefore, to be able to say to every unpleasing semblance, “You are but a semblance and by no means the real thing.” And then examine it by those rules which you have; and first and chiefly by this: whether it concerns the things which are within our own power or those which are not; and if it concerns anything beyond our power, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you. I take this to mean not to dwell on suffering that is outside your means of control. To not create suffering in the space you do control. If pain arises, or misfortune and tragedy strike, be prepared to accept that if it is out of your control, you have no recourse but to live through it. You have control only on how you view it.
Jan 23rd Surgery 9:30 pain medication January 24th 5:30 am- 1st dose of pain medication (No appetite, limited consumption of water, rested but did not sleep deep, constant whimpering which ceased when comforted) 8:20 first antibiotic dose 1:50 Went outside 2:00 pm ate small amount of wet dog food, and drank of her own volition 3:50 2nd pain med, some water by hand and two licks by bowl. Very Small pieces of food 10 pm 2nd antibiotic, cheese, water 12:30 fed wet dog food in a ball like the pill, drank some water from hand and from bowl. January 25th 1:00 am pain pill 5-6 pee, drank more water, ate 3 small cubes of cheese -Wanted to jump on furniture 8 30 good sized meal, wet dog food, water 9 AM antibiotic 10:14 throw up 10:30 am pain medication 6 30pmpain medication 8 20 sucrafate (for stomach upset) 9 pm antibiotic -restless -whining -brief periods of rest 11:30 pm rest no/minimal whining to – 3:30 AM (next day) January 26th 3:30 AM ate big meal 4:00 AM pain medication (???Spit out) 8:10AM Small meal 8 35 AM pain medication 9:05 AM- sucrafate for upset stomach 9:35 AM-antibiotic 6 30 PMpain medication 8:40 PM sucrafate 9:10 PM Antibiotic January 27 3:22 AM- pain medication chicken breast 8 40 AM sucrafate
Magus Status: _/\/\/\/\_Danger After shoveling the walk way, and then the shared driveway, I decided on a whim to take a walk in the - 20 c early morning snow fall. I felt like Forrest Gump, I just...felt like walking. It was very therapeutic, the cold gave my mind something real to focus on. Even the evil voice in my head had no choice but to remain silent and work with the rest of the body; it was a real team building exercise, even the bully made a friend. The sidewalks haven't been shoveled yet, and I found myself trudging along, pulling one boot out of the snow and planting it, and repeating with the other (That's usually how we humans walk...). The wind picked up a few times, and I felt my face getting numb. Not the comfortably numb you dream of whilst listening to the song of the same name, but the painful, cold numb you get when you grab really cold ice with your bare hands. I grabbed my hood with my right hand and pulled it down, and with my left, I raised the top of my coat to cover my face from the nose down. Leaning forward against the wind, and having the added struggle of pulling my boots out of the snow, I felt a accomplished. I felt like I was actually surviving, not just living in a protected spaceship. I wanted to keep walking, I wanted to see how far I could go before I collapsed. I wanted to fall on my back, enjoy the fading heat from my body, watch the falling snow, and freeze there in time. But I had a warning alarm go off in my brain, and it blared... "We can't feel our nads! Warning! Nads are AWOL!...." Just to be sure, I felt around down there with my bulky winter glove, and it was true, I couldn't feel a damn thing. So I decided to head home. A hot cup of coffee has never been better then when you come inside on cold winter day, place it in your lap, and defrost your frozen boys to its intoxicating aroma. Status:_/\_/\_/\_ Fine
Why is it ok to seek to destroy or ban an entire breed of dog? How is this consistent with our anti racist, egalitarian culture? Animals don't have rights Magus! You idiot! Well maybe they should, maybe a species that has been with us since the dawn of man, has fought in our wars, and helped us feed ourselves for centuries should be granted special place in our society, and not just the few breeds that you find "cute" tehee! If what they say about pit bulls is true, then wouldn't the same arguments apply to the human species, and all its variations? Are some races more violent then others, are some more prone to aggression? Or is it only the canine species? Is their biological make up so different then ours? Besides being an organic life form on the same planet, and having a complex social structure, and co existing with us for God knows how long, they're just...different Magus. They aren't really "alive" like you or me People like to call you all sorts of fancy names when you stick up for animals, or dare to compare our complex, sophisticated culture with the likes of these...these....ANIMALS! *Fart* Maybe I have some sympathy for the pit bull. A misrepresented breed of dog, being punished for the sins of the few who look like it who ended up doing terrible things. I know how that feels, although I would be punished, ridiculed, and laughed at for saying so, as I'm not of the correct color pallet to be allowed to say so. I've probably scared away most of the people who would have let out a long sigh by now at what I've written. So I'll say it. It's ok to be a pit bull.
