Personal Writing

  1. Dreams/nightmares

    I really don't know what to call them any more, they start as dreams and develop into nightmares or something else in between? At first you could be in control and little by little you lose that control. You notice it, all you have to do now is see what happens and pray you wont feel anything that's coming. You feel the fear, the pain, all the feelings. I cannot run away from it anymore, or hide. I can only take a glimpse of what is to come. Just a glimpse. Since is not the first time any...
  2. Questions and Statements

    We are born asking questions. My mother likes to tell the story of newborn me being placed in her arms for the very first time. The memory is engraved in her heart and in her mind, such a strong impression it made. The little bundle I was looked her right in the eye, asking, “Well, you’ve got me now. What are you going to do with me?” And ever since, I have been asking, “What does this mean?” Where do questions come from? A need to know and understand. Curiosity, surely. Riddle me this,...
  3. Decaying Mind

    Sometimes it feels like my mind is slipping. Too many universes to keep track of. Or perhaps my psychosis sickness is making itself heard... not literally. I just feel so stupid at times. Like my mind is really decaying. I recently comissioned two artists for illustrations outside their expertise. It only occurred to me to search for the right artists after I had comissioned the first two. What the hell, mind? What the hell is going on? Years ago, I would not have made that mistake. I seem...
  4. What a Year!

    As 2022 comes to an end, most of us are reflecting back on the year and others mine as well be in 2023. getting those resolutions ready to be forgotten about by the second week of January if they're lucky to make it that long. I've tried that I don't know how many times and I never felt like I was actually changing. well until this year. The beginning of the year had all the magic; I thought 2022 was gonna be the year where everything just magically turned perfectly. Between trying to be a...
  5. Wishes

    Wishes When I was about ten years old, I was stopped in the school hallway by a classmate. She asked me to make a wish and share it with her. I didn’t play along. I supplied no wish. “I know it won’t come true,” I said. The first wish that had come to my mind was that a much-loved uncle who had recently died, very suddenly, had not died at all. But even at that age, I understood, that wishes had no power over what already was. The past cannot be re-written. Don’t waste your wishes there....
  6. Wild Woman – A message to women

    Wild Woman – A message to women You know her. She lives inside of you. She is your instinct and intuition. She is the experiences and lessons of your ancestors encoded in your DNA. If you trust her, and let her live, you can be your authentic self. Hell with dogma. If you let her come to the surface, you will realize all your original gifts. Folklore is rich in the psychology of women. For this reason, I encourage you to get a copy of and read Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa...
  7. Alone...

    I find it so funny that in a world with what 8 billion people give or take the ones we don't know about.. That people are getting to the point where we feel we are better off alone. Because it's peaceful.. Now I will just say I like my alone time just as much as the next person. I like to feel at peace and not having to worry about walking on eggshells or being afraid of what might come out of my mouth that might possibly offend someone. For the whole 26 years I have been on this planet...
  8. Missing the Cat

    So the Mrs. is out visiting family this weekend and I'm at home, free to run wild. Took a bunch of naps this afternoon. Almost went to Kyoto but didn't have the energy. And it's after midnight and I've got a tumbler of brandy, watching something or other on cable and missing the cat. Back 25 or more years ago I was living with my dad, working the midnight shift so I found myself awake in the middle of the night with a glass of something sitting in front of the cable in the basement and...
  9. Why I Bother

    Some days it's hard to get motivated to write, suspecting that it doesn't matter what I write or how well (or poorly) I do it. There was a time when I had visions of publication, or at least the idea that I could accomplish something of somehow lasting significance. But even back then I suspected I was chasing an illusion. One of my favorite poets has long been Stephen Spender, and one of my favorite of his poems is "What I Expected." He writes that What I expected, was Thunder,...
  10. It's All Good

    My kid sister died about a month ago. I'm still processing it. I tried to capture it below, but I'm so close to it that I can't tell if it's worth reading, or it's TMI. I didn't want to post it in the workshop, because it's not meant as a project but as an effort to understand. I recently touched death, touched it when I held the icy-cold, blackened, hand of my dying kid sister and learned from her the art of dying right. Susan (not her real name) was diagnosed with cancer about four...
  11. The Truth

    The difficulty with fiction is that it must be written as if it were true. This means the story must be believable when put up against what we already know. We create an imagined reality that must present as real. Some parts are easier to make real than others. Plot, check. Setting, check. For me, the hardest thing to make real are the characters. People are so darn complicated! Reality lies in consistency. I can’t have an ambitious Aries suddenly become a serene Taurus suddenly become an...
  12. Random Thoughts on Want and Need

    Human motivation is created by wants and needs. Want and need both signal a deficit, but want is beyond need. Need is core, bones and meat. Want is extra, frills and lace. Frustrated wants bring on disappointment. Frustrated needs can harm body, mind and soul. You can live without what you want, but not without what you need. Wants and needs can feel the same in your body, a yearning that stretches to the limbs. What we want does not always equal what we need, although either can be...
  13. Determinism vs. Free Will

    At first glance, determinism makes a lot of scientific sense. Everything has a cause and an effect, right? All our choices are constrained by internal (biological) and external forces over which we have no control. Right? Max Plank made a strong argument when he wrote: How can the independence of human volition be harmonized with the fact that we are integral parts of a universe which is subject to the rigid order of nature’s laws? Geesh. How can you argue with that? We are balls in the...
  14. Fantasy 101; Characters

    Characters are the bane of my existence. Are they too dry? Too monotonous? I can never tell. So, of course, I chose fantasy as my genre of choice. The genre that requires the most complex characters. After all, I am the dumbest person you will ever meet. Take my newest novel, for instance. The two main characters are supposed to be insanely different, with similarities that aren't really notable. And yet, I can't tell if that point is actually getting made, or if I make the similarities too...
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