Old private blog

Reading my old blog posts I stumbled upon this one. I don't know why I set this one to private. I have a few that I write just for myself, but this isn't anything too out there or personal, and I'm feeling lazy even though I want to write. This will have to do. Goona set to private again. Feels too bitchy.





"About 4 years ago I had gotten a part time job at Walmart as a produce clerk. It was the only job I've ever had where I was expected to do some customer service. I kinda loved it, and of course I was laid off on new years. My co-workers were great, and the job had me busy and moving so the time flew by. The location of the store was beautiful also. During my breaks I would walk a little ways away to a pond nearby and smoke. I remember a late September day, cool but warmed by the sun. I was listening to Metrics "The Shade", looking out on the pond at a congregation of Canadian Geese, and puffing away at my smoke.

Life seemed so good in that moment, I was excited for the future, I felt like I could make it out for the first time in forever. Every time I listened to this song, the feeling would come back, but I had to take care not to listen too much, because if I did the feeling would become weaker and weaker with every subsequent visit. But I couldn't resist myself over the years, sometimes it was the only thing that made me feel happy. But I overused it, and the well began to dry up.

When I listen to it now I get only a small flicker of the feeling I once had, even in its weakened state its a powerful feeling. Fleeting remnants of my past self animating itself, only to wither and die again and again, until one day it will be gone forever."



Listening now now, I remember the hour long walk home. My social anxiety making me terrified of riding the bus so I opted to walk. I remember the land marks, the surge of dopamine when I passed them. The colder it got, the happier I felt on those walks. Maybe it reminded me of my military days, early on when I attended every cold, grueling weekend exercise. Maybe I just liked the solitude, or maybe I just liked being outside with a purpose. That me is long gone, and I can't remember his thought process. I only recall the feeling, and it is but a fleeting imprint.