I fell off the wagon

It`s 2:39 AM right now. I clock in for work at 8:30 AM. I should be sleeping. I tried that....I can`t. I took melatonin didn`t effect any. It`s gotten closer to three now. I can`t just lay there when I can`t sleep. My brain can`t take it, so now i`m up with rock music going through my headphones. Or it was....now it looped back to AJR.

Remember how I was building routine, taking my vitamins, and cutting the caffeine out? Well....I took my vitamins today. Yesterday...it`s past midnight...the day before I woke up feeling like someone had dumped a pile of bricks on me as I slept. My eye felt like I`d been cold cocked. Still does, which seeing as i`ve had a granuloma on that eye before bugs me. Had to go to a plastic surgeon...don`t want to do that again. I don`t know what happend went to bed early, slept fine, didn`t drink, and nothing that would lead to that just woke up in pain.

The no soda less sugar thing feel off right there, soda for lunch and bought two six packs on the way home from work.....I drank one today...that`s with restraint. ....I`m highly likely to be diabetic...if i`m not already. I can`t be doing this shit. I can`t be doing any of what I`ve been doing. Which is nothing.

All pretense of a routine went away that day and I was off today which was a blessing. Even though I did nothing however...got back to The Outer Worlds...my last play-through was low strength and dex high intelligence, charm, and precetpoion. Doing different choices as high strength, charm, and dex with low everything else. Productive.

I hate allways falling off, like i`m running in circles going nowhere. Every little step leads to ten back and the ones that do stick fell so dam little. Whenever I try a big step it falls apart because I don`t take the little ones. I need them but it feels so slow, like that`s all I ever do and i`m so far behind where I should be. I learned to walk later, started talking later, got a job later, when I go back to college that`ll be later, learned to tie my shoes later, and hell couldn`t turn a door knob on my own for a while. Still don`t know how to ride a bike. A bike thats such a building block thing, and no.

Everybody else got to start the race when the pistol popped and I had to wait a while. I want to get where they are not where I am. It shouldn`t be this hard to stick to something, and do it over and over. I can blame it on my ADHD or depression and maybe that`s valid or maybe i`m just weak. Maybe it doesn`t matter i`m still wasting my life away and it`s still all on me regardless of the reasoning.

when I was growing up I could function better, because there was always a fire. Life was constantly a state of crisis. I can handle crisis, because there`s no stopping and thinking. Just action, now, and have to do`s. Then the fires stopped...I should be happy....but I can`t function. I`m almost 22 and I still struggle to do even basic shit or pull myself out of bed in the morning. In a crisis or when it`s doing something for someone else i`m fine outside of that...no. Taking care of myself? I try, and then I back slide. The damage is probably already done.

I get sick of saying the same things over and over making the same post over and over and over and over. Going around with my word salad in my head over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

I want to be optimistic for 2020, that`ll be my decade. I`ll make it my decade! I do that though, "I`ll make this month my month." "I`ll do this at this point" and ...it fails.


I`m scared, tired, and just I wish I could skip ahead over all the hurdles. I`m so sick of it.



This always gives me hope though. I love her and I love this.

Thanksgiving week, then Christmas, then New Years, then my birthday month, then my dads death month,


I could wait for the holidays to pass....but you see how that would just go on forever.


I feel hopeless, but I have hope for the new year. ...,maybe.

I should try to sleep now.

Edit: Adding because I feel it should be added so I can acknowledge some small steps. Packed a lunch for work tomorrow. Was gonna meal prep but idk the kitchens a mess and we`ll be eating out at least two days this week. Idk. I also cleared my credit card up and got back to better-help and messaged my conseler. Piss poor responses but i`m tired and slightly depressed so anything is good.

Worried about work tomorrow if I cant get enough rest. It`s just the one supervisor whos condescending and makes me feel more and more broken then I already am but dam if I don`t want to deal with her tomorrow. She impiled that I wouldn`t even know how to boil water the other day


I`m a dam fine cook thank you very much



When I actually do it.