Lately, I'm finding it increasingly difficult playing at being an adult. I don't mean doing the adulty things, like paying bills, but rather in making myself do the sensible thing. You see I've always done the sensible thing. That's been my go to pathway even when I wasn't sure what my path should be. There is nothing wrong with doing the sensible thing either. But lately, I'm finding it's just not enough.
I've had a sensible job for the last nine years as a veterinary technician. It's not over confidence (I'm the least self confident person on the planet..) when I say that I'm very good at my job. Or when I say that I run the clinic where I work. If I leave the clinic will close. But lately, though I love my job, I'm not in love with it. It's becoming more and more difficult to do my job, and I find myself wondering how much longer I will be able to.
Part of this is the stress of the job. It's highly stressful helping people, and their pets, when sometimes those people really are the problem. It's hard to care more than a pets owner does. It's hard to watch pets you've helped from the time they were puppies stumble in with arthritis, and know that today maybe the day their owner decides not to pursue treatment options. Plus all the normal stress like dealing with co-workers who really are just here for a pay check.
These issues aren't the only reasons I'm finding it harder lately. Not only do I not want to do the sensible thing, but I also find myself pushing myself to want something more. Something I would have never thought I could, or would ever consider doing. Wanting that badly enough, to push myself harder, to finish side projects regardless of what it takes. Fantasizing about what your life would be like if you'd just finish your projects isn't the same thing as sitting down and doing something.
None of this is good or bad, it's just something different. Maybe different is what I really need so desperately right now.
I don't have delusions of grandeur. I have a goal, and I'm working toward that. There is a huge difference between doing the sensible thing, and having enough sense to push yourself to finish your goals.
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