The final word on Colarado

This is the last I will say about Colarado. It took me some time, but I've realized the reality behind my own motivation and the experience which I had. It wasn't a badass adventure or a thrilling experience. It was a change of pace and I entered a very different frame of mind whilst I was on this adventure (it may not have been badass, but I would still say it was kind of an adventure). The reality behind the experience was that I needed to learn something and somehow I found what I was looking for. Insight into myself. I learned what I needed to learn about life and myself. Not everything, but something important.

For one, I realized that I just wanted to run away. I didn't want to be at home because, well, I have some problems. And I just couldn't bring myself to truly see the blessing I was given. Not everyone has a brother they have a lot in common with and can talk to any day about whatever. Not everyone has parents who, while flawed, deeply love them. Not everyone lives in a safe suburb with conscientious neighbors who, yes, are a little loud sometimes. Not everyone lives in as much comfort as I do, with all the opportunities that I have, and the physical and mental potential that I have. And I think I was ashamed of this. It probably came from how, whenever you complain, people will tell you about starving kids in Africa. You can't argue with that but it doesn't make you feel better about your own situation. It just makes you feel ashamed of still hating your life. But at the same time, there are starving children everywhere. People die every day. People have genuine reasons to wish they were dead.

In Colarado I met some people who were really hard up. A vietnam vet who was put up in a motel by the VA. When he was my age, he was crawling through mud with a gun so that he could find people who want to kill him and kill them first. You(me) want to talk about how the internet and isolation messes with mental health? What does something like war do to your mental health? And when he came back, he didn't get to live in a nice house, but a dinky motel. And for all I know there was a massive inbetween there. Yet, he had an amazing attitude. He gave me advice about my own situation. While we were talking, a homeless guy with truly sad eyes sat next to us. I saw in that guy's face a similarity to my own. It was an encounter with the ghost of christmas future. I saw exactly how, if I didn't change, I would end up like that guy. I don't know how he got there. Maybe he was blessed too but couldn't see it and lost it. Just like I was dangerously close to doing. Maybe he always had it tough and never had a fair chance. But in Colarado, anything was possible. I could have stayed there with the little money I had and lived in some shitty place, or failed even to have that. I could have found success there all on my own, or I could have fell into misfortune, all on my own.

The reality of my trip in Colarado is that it was kind of an embarassment. And to try and frame it like it was something great would be stupid. I'm a spoiled and very sheltered person who had it really easy. And it took a brief tour of the rough side of things, where the yang constitutes only a small part of the overwhelming ying. Yet within many people living in ying, the ones with wisdom anyway, there is a constant preference to try and see the yang. And so too is there often the inverse of that, like in my case.

So I decided to come back to California. It was time to get a grip. I didn't integrate all this at first. There was the misadventure which I won't get into, and I was really angry. Still trying to make reality what it isn't. But with a little time and the help of a friend, I finally realized what this trip was all about and why, of all the ideas that have occurred to me, the moment I thought of Colarado, something within me knew that I had to do it. And I did without delay. Something quite rare for me. Something within me was seeking this lesson and probably guided me towards this without me even knowing. The mind is full of mysteries and I don't pretend to get it. And honestly, this new understanding remains untested. But I finally know exactly what I have to do. Get through this crisis, the external and the internal, go back to college and stick with it -- because I will not be content any longer to live in ignorance, and just try to be kind and do the right things even if it scares me. And in that way I will become stronger, a power source in own right, able to help others who need it. And those people, who like me were helped by others, will be able to go on and continue a cycle of positivity. Because at the end of the day, that's all we little humans can do for each other. It may not always seem like much, but it would surprise you.