untitled

I know that I've posted more blogs on here than actual work... I don't want to do a stupid myspace so...
Bleh... I don't know...
I went to the docter on Wednesday.
I got my first ultrasound and he asked me if I'd been in a physical fight and I was just like, "Uhhh, no. Why?"
And the docter goes, "Because something's wrong. No one's maybe... pushed you or something along those lines?"
My head went back to the night my exfiance shoved me into the doorframe trying to push me out of my own apartment.
I lost the baby.
He... made me lose our baby.
You know... God works in really strange ways. I had even tried to contact him to tell him I was pregnant. Then I sent him a letter telling him I was terminating the pregnancy because I was scared and didn't know what else to do.
But I didn't even have to. God made the decision for me.

Falling in love with someone... and having it be the strongest, most intense, most meaningful love you've ever felt for another person and then watching it disipate... and then hearing that something beautiful really could have stemmed from it but even that died...

I'm not trying to be emotional and stupid and pitiful. I'm not trying to weep over a sad little 6 month relationship that was going way too fast anyway...
but when you think... when you're so sure about something... and suddenly this thing, this person you want and love and want to protect more than anyone else in the world suddenly hates you, it's hard to think you didn't do something wrong.
I really, really... never did cheat on him. I really never even tried to or wanted to. I really had no interest in anyone else, including the people closest to me.
All I wanted was to make him as happy as he was making me.
And now everything... is in all these little pieces all over the floor.
And you know... things are getting better. I'm in line for a big promotion at my job that's going to more than put me where I want to be financially, I've got great friends and I finally got a great car but... it just seems to me as though when my love life's going good, everything else in my life is screwing up, and vice versa.
I keep thinking back to standing outside my job the day we met. He asked me for a cigarette and I complimented his crappy guitar and... I've just never been so wooed and I've never fallen in love so hard or so fast.
This is so stupid. I know I should be over this, at least him right now, but just knowing that he... never cared in the first place. It's hard to accept that. It's hard to accept that he's as angry with me as he is, especially considering how much I sacrificed and put up with accompanied by the thought that I love this man so much and everything was going to be okay.
And now I'm faced with nothing but some crappy dollar store glue to fix my pathetic little broken heart.
I finally hooked my computer up tonight and I went through all our pictures together.
There's one I took of us about two days after we started dating. We're laying in my bad kissing and my eyes are closed, but his are open, looking at me.
And to this day, I've never seen a more loving look in someone's eyes.
It's stupid, I know, especially after all he's done to me, but I really am scared for him. He's so addicted to coke now, and boozing every night. I just wish...
I just wish things had been different. I know it does me no good to think that, if anything it probably does harm to think it, but it doesn't make me not want it.
I really... really just...
Love him a lot.