Victim.

It's another bad day or well... I should say week. It started yesterday evening when I woke up. I got four hours sleep before I woke up again exhausted, my entire body seems to be working against me at the moment. I'm so tired I can barely make it out of bed. My place is trashed, I don't have the energy to clean or do the dishes. It will get better at some point, I know that. But right when you're in the moment it's really hard to see. I keep flashing back to horrible times in my life, and I beat myself up for letting myself go there. But there's nothing I can do to stop it.

I realised something odd the other day. My mother came to visit me a couple of days ago. We talked a bit about things I've not been able to talk to her about before and it was sort of a relief, but also disturbing. But I realised I couldn't look her in the eyes. And when I thought about it, the day before when I met my father for our weekly conversation. I hadn't been able to look him in the eyes either. I've always been able to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I've even gotten complaints about it because apparently it's too intense. I've always preferred eye-contact. Much because you can actually see people then. But now. I'm not able to.

Victim. That word is so negativly loaded.