I have been seeing a psychologist for the past few months. Over time suppressed memories, memories I had buried for years came out. Apparently I have been abused both physically, verbally and emotionally by one of the teaching staff in primary school. I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced the same sort of treatment as I did when I was a child of eight years old. To give you a taster of what I am talking about, here is an excerpt of what I wrote for my psychologist. Coincidently while I was in a session with her today I felt like it was a role reversal. You see, while I read out my article to her about the abuse I suffered at the hands of this teacher, instead of me shedding tears the psychologist was the one who did. As it was I who suffered this abuse you would think I would break down and shed some tears, but no, imagine my surprise when my psychologist did. She felt so sorry for the "child" who was mistreated by this bully of a teacher. The teacher she said was supposed to be there to educate the students not abuse them. Anyhow here is that excerpt for you all to see, so you can understand where I am coming from. If anyone else would like to share their story with me I would like that. You are a bas****. As a child you made my life hell. You physically abused me by slapping me on the head, punching me in the arms and kicking me in the ankles and legs. You even went as far as putting my head in one of the litter bins. To further humiliate me, you ridiculed me in both, English and Irish lessons. In English class when you asked me a question about my home work, you read my essay aloud for all the class to hear. Every two sentences, you would pause to discuss what I had written down, humiliating me further in the process. When Fuzzy Wuzzy, one of the other teachers children, asked: “How do we go about writing this essay” You simply said to the class: “use your imaginations”. Well I used my imagination. The topic for the essay was “Holidaying in the USA”. As I have never been on holidays to the states as child before, I used my imagination and described places I had seen on television. Places like the streets of San Francisco, The Golden Gate Bridge, New York and Los Angeles. You started making fun of me by reading out these places, as if they were punchlines from a joke. The whole class had a laugh at my expense, while you were mocking my essay. On top of the essay, during one English lesson, we were doing spelling and thesaurus. You asked me to explain what the word consortium meant. I said that I did not know what it meant myself, so I could not possibly explain it to the class. You asked the whole class to raise their hands if they didn’t understand what consortium meant. Well half the class raised their hands. Instead of explaining what the word meant, you came over to abuse me some more. You asked me in an aggressive tone: do I ever “pay attention at all” in your class and I said I did. “Well then how come you can’t explain what consortium means, when we have covered it in last weeks lessons”. I could not even tell you that I, along with half the classroom did not know what it meant. When I tried to explain, you told me “not to answer you back” and “speak when I was spoken to”. You then turned on me again saying: “I must be so stupid, I can’t even explain what a simple wordlike consortium means”. Have I “ever taken out my books at home and done any studying”. Not even allowing me to answer, you continued verbally abusing me. Saying: “No wonder why you are rubbish at every subject”. “You think you are better than the whole class, so much so you believe studying is beyond you”. Well you put me in a corner on my own, at the front of the class near your desk. It was so you could keep an eye on me while I was studying. Yes studying. I was crying my eyes out that day and you told me to: “Stop crying like a baby”. My punishment for not knowing what consortium meant, was to sit in the corner the rest of the day studying. In the meantime you continued to teach the rest of the class, even though half of them didn’t know the answer to the question either. It was only myself you punished, and you took great pleasure in doing it. You even had a smirk on your face, when you told me to sit in front of the classroom and do some studying. A few weeks later, during English lessons we were discussing the Easter Rising. This was not supposed to be discussed until history lessons. But as one student thought it was linked in with English you decided to spend a few minutes talking about it. Again I was in your firing line and you decided I was going to be the spokesman on the Easter Rising. When I could not give you a satisfactory answer to your question, you got me to repeat my answers for all the class to hear. You tormented me and said: “ As an Irishman, how could I not know my Irish history and more so anything about the Easter Rising”. Are you completely thick, or is it the fact that these happened way before you were even born, the past doesn’t seem to have any affect on you. Well you f****, Irish history may not have cause me any trouble, but your treatment of me did. It does so to this very day. About two months later we were being taught Irish. During the lesson you asked me (in Irish) to tell you what the word “Madra” meant in English. As I said before, I did not understand Irish. So when you spoke to me in Irish, I didn’t know what you said. You pulled me up out of the chair, by my ear and decided to bring me down to first babies. After having me stand in front of the class, you then asked the children what the word “Madra” was. When they told me the answer was “Dog” you turned to me with a big smile across your face and said: “See how easy that was. Even these children know the answer. How stupid do you feel now”. When we left first babies and headed back to our own classroom we stopped. You turned to me smiling, saying: “Well boy! You will never forget that lesson in a hurry”. I turned to you with tears streaming down my cheeks, anger burning in my eyes. Lashing out with my foot, I kicked you in between the legs. Rounding on you again, with a smile on my own face, I said: “ you won’t forget this lesson in a hurry either”.
I was outlining a story about a haunted school. A ragtag team of students take it upon themselves to investigate the ghost, especially because its activity increased. They know it was a student who committed suicide, but all sorts of rumors fly about as to why he did it. The adventurers themselves have trouble with cliques, family pressure, power struggles with authority, all common problems that distract them from the ghost's desperate warning-- about a school shooter. Their storyline was becoming a typical Scooby-Doo wannabe, though, so I found myself drawn to the faculty's perspective. I didn't want them to be the "dumb grown-ups" in every young adult mystery, but as I wrote them I realized that I couldn't really humanize them either, not when the first idea I had was their actions (or lack of action, in some characters) were key in pushing both the suicide and the shooter over the edge, and they wouldn't be allowed to share what they knew about the ghost or relieve the younger protagonists of any of their troubles. Suddenly there was this "rind" forming around them, condensing the ideas that treating students as people would somehow betray a weakness of authority or low expectations of themselves as adults, that their scope of responsibility must be kept a manageable size and any compassionate tendencies must not extend beyond it -- but they are, at the same time, protected from any real consequences should they act out on misplaced anger or gleeful malice. I wondered where all that came from, and remembered, and won't say since I'm trying to forget it again, but you're not alone.
but they are, at the same time, protected from any real consequences should they act out on misplaced anger or gleeful malice. I wondered where all that came from, and remembered, and won't say since I'm trying to forget it again, but you're not alone.[/QUOTE] Thank you very much for that palimpsest, I am glad to find that I am not alone with suffering at the hands of so called teachers. I am sorry if I dredged up those memories again for you that was not my intention. The last thing I would want is for the torture to continue within ones self, again I am sorry that you have to relive those memories. Assassins Creed
Hello Assassins Creed, I am very sorry to hear about your situation while you were in school. I also would like to let you know that you are not alone in the world. There is one thing very positive going for you at the moment,that is your psychologist. With his or her help you can come through this a better happier person. By doing what the psychologist advises you to do and follow their instructions to the letter, you will come through this with fly colours. I should know as I had to cope with something similar and with his help I managed to pull through the other side. The darkness was so depressing I didn't know how I was going pull through and seek the light.
I myself am studying to become a teacher (abit for highschool students) and I just want you to know I'm horrified that someone would treat a student in this way. Teachers are meant to mentor their students, and for one to ridicule you in the way you describe disgusts me to no end. I saw a couple people from your end of the court speak up and just wanted you to know that teachers like these are hopefully few and far between =)
Thank you very much for those comments rapture. I do realize however, that not all teachers behave in this fashion. I would safely bet that 99.5% of teachers, genuinely enjoy teaching students. They also treat their students with consideration and kindness. If those students have a problem they will give them extra tutoring so that they would on a same level playing field with the other students. I wish you the very best of luck with your teaching career and hope that you don't encounter any other student who has been mistreated by a rouge teacher who get his/her kicks watching students suffer. Assassins Creed.
Wow, Assassins creed. That's pretty vile stuff. The only thing I can offer to help is this: I was brought up by a stepfather who used to say similarly bitterly cruel things which were agony at the time and haunted me for years after. I was tortured in another way by how much he must have hated me to behave like that, because in my mind you could only say those things if you truly loathed and despised someone. Thankfully he's completely out of my life now. It's only recently that I've realised that he didn't hate me at all. He has a very big personality problem and is completely devoid of empathy - basically sociopathic. Knowing this has taken much of the sting out of my experience and made it impersonal: it wasn't about me, I was just the nearest victim. If I'd stood up to him more it might've stopped him, but probably not because although he was the typical weak bully, he actually enjoyed having an adversary, so my head down and cower response wasn't the reason he went or continued to go for me. It was just because he could. Because he is unable to step outside his own experience and sympathise with others' pain, he thinks he 'did nothing'. I pity him now, lonely and locked in his mental illness. This may not be the case for you at all, but it's worth a thought. For any 'normal' person, the knowledge of how and why another person could put you through this is a big part of the pain. If you realise that we aren't all wired up to believe in the pain of others then you stop hurting a bit. After all, a cat doesn't care about the mouse it toys with.
Thanks Amber for your kind words. I would say I feel sorry for all the pain and anguish you suffered at the hands of your stepfather, but like myself that is not we want. The fact that we can tell our story, all be it in a masked fashion on this forum eases the pain some what. Although with regard to your personal experience,I believe aside from his illness, he picked on you because you were smaller and weaker than himself. The fact that he psychologically tortured you (as was the case of myself with my teacher), proves that he was an unfit parent. I am sorry if those words hurt you, but that is what he was. Like a teacher, a parent more so than anyone else should be their be their for their children NO MATTER WHAT. On this point I would like to say I am a stepfather and my daughter Is almost 20 years old. Three months ago while I was going through a traumatic time dealing with anger issues, I verbally and physically abused her. What I did was scream at her and when she retaliated by punching me in the stomach, I grabbed her by the arms and shook her. She forgave me for this as she knew I was dealing with anger issues about the abuse i received from my teacher. Although she for gave me my one slip up as a parent, I cannot forgive myself, even to this day. As I already said no parent should treat their children badly. Even though that was my first time ever doing anything like that to my daughter or any other person in my life, that is no excuse and I will never ever forgive myself for it. I will understand If you or anyone else for that matter shows me contempt, as I feel I would thoroughly deserve it. Especially while I am expressing my story and had audacity to go and do something like that to my own daughter. After I had done that to her I got so depressed I wanted to commit suicide. I said this to both my wife and daughter and said i can't forgive myself. They had to get the doctor for me because I was acting all weird, the way I was behaving they didn't know if I would carry out my threat. I have to say I would have because I didn't know how to cope with what I did to my daughter. Two days later when I was with my psychologist I told her what I did and how I felt. She said I had to tell my daughter how I feel about what I did, and to let her know how much I love her. Then I had to tell her it would never happen again. I had my daughter come along with my wife and I to the next session, so I could say all this to her and that was where she forgave me. But as I said before I can't forgive myself for my treatment of her. What sort of parent would do something like that to their precious child. It is wrong and there is no excuse in the world that would make me feel any better about what I did. Even if it was just the once, because thats all it takes the set the ball rolling, and I don't want to go down that path ever again. I said to my family and the shrink if I ever felt this way again towards any of them I am just going to go for a swim. Assassins Creed
Hi AC I think you've hit upon the key when you talk about forgiveness and that's something that has helped me move on 100%. I realised a long time ago that whenever I beat myself up over something that I'd done or said in the past I wasn't helping anyone so I started repeating a mantra in my head: I forgive myself. I found it so helpful that I started applying it to other people and at first I hit a stumbling block: I didn't want to forgive X because that would imply that what they did/said was OK and I would be giving them permission to do it again. It took a while to realise that this is not the case. So I started saying "I forgive him for doing those things to me: and I forgive myself for letting it happen". Although it wasn't easy initially and I had to say it a lot, I did eventually find that all the pain disappeared. It effectively wiped the slate clean. I've been trying to convince my mother of this, because she still feels bad about all that happened - marrying a monster, allowing him to abuse us all, etc. She still feels that forgiving would be condoning but it isn't. It's a release from the past. I think you'd be disappointed if you did manage to confront your Monster because if he didn't feel guilt then, he won't now. And these kinds of people are so self-centered they see situations like this as an opportunity to wallow in their own pain or self-pity (to them, the only pain that exists). Trying to bring him to book now could also be useless, unless you fear he is still carrying out his campaign of evil. It might help AFTER you've forgiven him - and to confront him whilst still feeling pain/anger would show that he still has power over you. How much better to approach him (supposing you can find him) saying "I forgive you for what you did to me". If he is indeed some kind of monster, you will have achieved little (but then you wouldn't have anyway), and if he regrets his past then you will be offering something very gracious. I think we have to remember that our pain is inside us. Sometimes we want to hold on to it - using it like a shield or something to bludgeon others with (I think anorexia and self-harming are passive-aggressive versions of this: "look what you make me to do to myself"). We could never get another to acknowledge the depth of the pain they have caused us because we can only Try to explain it; the interpretation will always be personal, even supposing we get our point across. Far better every time to release the pain, move on and learn from it. Occasionally - like when I'm with my kids - I recall bad stuff but it just reminds me to treat others differently. So I take my bad history and use it as a lesson. I'm not perfect, but I am very much at peace inside myself, which I'm grateful for. I feel now that I have more capacity to help others because I'm not filled up with my own pain.
Hello Amber. Thank you again for those kind words. With what you have said to me, might help me cope with my dilemma. I know I may be harping on about it but, I am still finding it difficult come to terms with my demons. All I want is closure, to a horrible time in my past. I feel I believe if I talked to him face to face, I can show him that I am and will always be, a better person than he will ever be. Just saying those words alone to his face will ease the pain and suffering he put m through. Again Amber thanks for your kind, supportive words. Assassins Creed
Don't worry about 'harping on', AC, it's natural that it's obssessing you right now. Having just re-read your initial post though an alarm bell has gone off. You say that these memories have come up from being repressed. Was this something that your psychologist dredged up to discover why you were having problems in some area or are you seeing her Because of the memories? I just worry because I once went to a hypnotist and she dragged a load of stuff out about my stepfather. At the time I hadn't done this Forgiveness thing, so dragging it out (quite unnecessarily, I might add), took me back to that time and left me feeling very upset and depressed for a while. Because I was accessing memories, I brought back all the feelings of helplessness that went with that time. I've read recently that experts are now saying that talking about past traumas is actually less helpful to people receiving treatment after stressful events than just letting them forget. It makes sense if reliving the affair only emphasises your lack of control and raises your heart rate, adrenalin, etc. It could be harmful. If you were seeing the psychologist for the very troubles you've been describing then fair enough, but I'd question anyone who thought it necessary to take you back to a very painful place for no better reason than re-living it. You can't change the past, only adapt from it. I hope that you can resolve this. It's a horrible place to be stuck and I'm so glad you have understanding family around you. Please do try my forgiveness mantra. I think part of what you want to discover is possibly "why me?" (otherwise you wouldn't need to prove anything to him) and I don't think you ever will. Living well is truly the best revenge. Best of luck! AD
Thanks again Amber, for those kind words and your support. Just to let you know, I am epileptic all my life. At the beginning of this year I was suffering from these violent seizures and ended up going to hospital. While I was being assessed by the nurse and an intern, I took one of these seizures. During the seizure I punched the nurse, causing her to receive treatment herself. Later on the seizures intensified in violence and I had three security guard pin me down. I was told later on that the security guards had a combined weight of 53 stone. Apparently during my seizure and being pinned down I lifted these three up off the bed at the same time. The specialist said that this adrenalin rush of strength, can happen to anyone suffering from different types of seizures. The type of seizure I apparently was suffering from was: N.E.S. or non epileptic seizure. This is a completely new condition I am suffering from. While I was in hospital I having these violent attacks at least 30 times a day. On top of this I was collapsing, hitting the ground very hard, causing injury to myself. On two occasions, I even knocked myself out cold and was unconscious for at least eight hours each time. The only reason I know all this is a patient in the same ward as myself, informed my wife. She came up to the hospital straight away and was by my side until I came to. With all this going on and still trying to get to the bottom of this illness, I continued to have these seizures and falls. While having these falls my memory and balance were affected. I did not know who my wife or family were for a while. Also I had problems remembering names and faces. This was an important issue for me because of my job. I work as a retail security officer by day and would have to rely on memory of known shop lifters, coming into the store or having to appear in court to give evidence against them. At night time I work as a doorman and my memory is also very important to me here. This is where I have to observe the crowds of people enjoying their night. I also have to keep an eye out for trouble and unwanted customers taking drugs. On a couple of occasions during the course of the night (not every night) I even had to deal with drunken males sexually assaulting these females, just because they were wearing short skirts. This is inappropriate behavior not to mention a criminal offence and we had these individuals arrested,courtesy of video evidence eye witness accounts (myself another doorman and two of the other girls friends) Getting back to being in hospital, I spent a total of three months as an impatient there. I was not only seeing a specialist,or a team of doctors but, I was also seeing a psychiatrist and also a psychologist, who both recommended cognitive therapy. While I was going through this cognitive therapy, these suppressed memories came out all of their own. I was trying to get through one session relating to improving my memory when all this came about. My mind appears to be like an exploding volcano. Once it begins to erupt it is hard to switch off. Assassins Creed
Wow AC thats some story yo have. With all these events going on in your life you could write a book about them. That was some feat lifting up three people with a combined weight of 53 stone. How you manage to stay sane with everything that happened in your life is beyond me. Take care of yourself and listen to Ambers "sound" advice. wackerob
Thank you also wackerob. It was indeed some feat raising 53 stone, how I did it I do not know. Thanks again and for those kind words, saying I could write a book about it. Assassins Creed
Wow, you really have been through the mill. Well, I hope you can find some closure on the abuse thing, because you don't need that troubling you when you've got the problem with the fits as well. Like Wackerob says, it's a miracle that you're coping so well. It's great that you've got an outlet in writing to help you get it off your chest. I'd be very interested to see what kind of book a security guard would write - if it's a thriller, I'm signing up as your first reviewer!
I suppose what I had written in the other post should have been placed here. As this is where your story is being told. This is also where you are getting support from the likes of Amber Dextrose. Best wishes destroyer
if it's a thriller, I'm signing up as your first reviewer! Amber if your as hot as you sound, not only will you be my first reviewer, you can be my model agent too.
Destroyer welcome to the forum and thanks for reviewing my posts. I appreciate what you are saying and welcome your support. Assassins Creed
Hey AC why didn't you tell me about this.All these years I've known you and you never mentioned anything about this. I knew you were seeing a psychologist, but you said it was for cognitive therapy and also about suffering from this new condition, Non-Epileptic-Seizures but not this! This Ba***** really did a number on you. If only I'd known this a long time ago I could have talked to my uncle, who was a sergeant down the country. He would of been able to look into this for you at the time. I'm truly sorry that you had to go through that alone mate, but now that I know about it, I'll do all I can to help. Even if that means you having to vent your anger or frustration out on someone, you can do it to me. You know you would feel much better about it, especially because you know I'd let you go through the motions and if you felt the need to punch me, you know I would not hit you back. So give me a bell and we can meet up and talk. Please!!
Assassins Creed if I were you I would listen to your friend onadiet and use him for support. He is lending you his ear, and his body to punish, so that you can relieve some of that anger you have bottled inside. Let him be supportive of your situation. As the more people you have on your side the easier it will be for you to cope. wackerob
