On another site I posted the following sentence: Therefore this is my last letter to you, and I will not write you another, knowing that you are overcome by scorn, and that you cannot escape from hating me. Someone posted the following revision This is my last letter to you and I will not write any more, because I know you still hate and scorn me Is there something wrong with my sentence? It seems like every time I add an adverbial clause to a sentence somebody wants to split it into two sentences or do something else with it. Is my sentence not clear?
The revision is clear and concise. I imagine someone would write that in a letter far more than the first example.
Its not the clause but the verb. It's a passive sentence. "I know you still hate and scorn me" is a powerful statement. Your clause is flowery and melodramatic.
Or: This will be my last letter since I know you still hate me. Says the same thing with half the effort.
But those two sentence don't even say the same thing. In the revision, the recipient simply still hates me. In the original, the recipient is stuck and overcome by hatred for me.
It's true that the sentences read differently. The revision is more direct and thus comes across are more harsh. But the bigger issue is the verbosity in your original sentence. Though this could be interpreted as an idiosyncrasy of the narrator/character, knowing your style of writing, I find this unlikely. It's just something you need to work on, that's all.
Trying to keep your tone, I'd change it to: I know you are overcome by scorn and that you cannot escape your hatred of me; therefore, this is my last letter to you. I will not write another. I think you need to put a cap on how many clauses you use in a single sentence.
I must agree. While it definitely is possible to shorten the sentence by doing so the tone of the letter is changed completely. Personally I find the original version to have more impact than the revisions. ETA: Like @lustrousonion showed it is definitely possible to improve upon the sentence without loosing the tone.
One thing I think would seriously help you in your endeavor is to point out the kind of work that is being written. Outside of Hellenistic and Roman study, the only place the average Joe is likely to come across an epistle is while reading a religious text. It's not a genre or form that has a great following outside of esoteric circles. Point it out, maybe even include a wiki-link for those unfamiliar with the form so that if they choose to return to give opinion, it's an opinion that at least understands the basis of the question.
I agree with @Wreybies . It's difficult to answer your question, @waitingforzion, because your sentence has no context for us. Who is writing it? Is this a story? Or a letter you are writing to your senator? Or your evil mother-in-law? If this is you, yourself, writing a letter to somebody, I'd suggest making it more direct in tone, like the excellent example given by @lustrousonion, which seems to include all your points. Or you could be even more direct, as a couple of other people have suggested. However, if this is a line written by a fictional character who is overfond of stating things in a grandiose way, then this might be perfect.
This is a character issue. If the character would write the letter as in the first example, stick with it.
