So, my mom says this flows poorly, I beg to differ. Since she's not a writer, and gave me some very..... poorly structured suggestions... I've decided to ask the forum, since everyone here writes. Questioned parts will be underlined. Already dressed in her uniform, Alice adjusted the amber red hair she kept up in a ponywrap as she walked to the bus stop. With it up like this, her hair stopped at the middle of her back, and if it wasn’t just right, it would come apart and reach her butt, something her boss was ridiculously strict about. No, he didn’t care if they had their hair loose, or up, nor down, all that mattered was that it did not reach past the middle of their back. Some of the employees theorized it was because his late wife kept her hair that length, and he wanted to pretend the pretty girls were his wife. It certainly explained why he would stare at some of them, or touch their waists. She smoothed out her green dress and apron as she took her seat on the bus, steel blue eyes looking out the window in thought. Every day seemed to be more or less the same these days. She was a year and a half away from graduating high school, but nothing seemed to be moving forward. Same classes, same job, same people, day in and day out. Alice needed a change of pace. Perhaps she could work on that starting Monday. As the bus zipped past a small patch of woods, something caught Alice’s eye. For a moment, reality seemed to slow down, as her eyes locked with the bright blue eyes of a man with solid white hair, standing among the flora. Before she could take in any more detail, the bus’s movement broke her eye contact with the stranger, and he seemed to disappear behind the trees. She turned and tried to look back, but there was nobody there, and the small section of oak and pine vanished quickly behind the other cars. She sighed and shook her head, turning forward. It must have been her imagination. If she was hallucinating from poor sleep, she’d have to get herself into a right mind before walking into the cafe. Her boss wouldn’t allow her to interrupt work because of altered vision; she’d likely be fired. "the amber red hair" - According to my mother, this description implies she's "borrowing someone else's hair, or wig". "ponywrap" - Previously, I had "ponybun" here, but it seems we cannot come to an agreement on the name of this hairstyle. My mother believes that such a detail is highly unimportant, as it doesn't matter if I envision her to look that way, so long as I can write in a way that my readers will understand. "With it up like this, her hair stopped at the middle of her back, and if it wasn’t just right, it would come apart and reach her butt, something her boss was ridiculously strict about." - Apparently, this is also a needless detail. She implied the entire paragraph was pointless, though it's something that will be called back on later in the story (both the boss's inappropriate behavior, and the strictness about hair, that is). Mom suggests I write something like "Her odd boss was very serious about how the girls kept their hair. Because of its length, if Alice's hair came undone, it would reach the small of her back.". I don't feel as if this suggestion holds the same feeling. "standing among the flora" - She didn't understand the word "flora", so I explained it as "flowers, bushes, plantlife in general". Because there are no flowers or "groundcover" mentioned, Mom suggests this is poorly worded. Final paragraph - According to Mom, this entire paragraph makes no sense from a psychological standpoint. "If she thinks she's hallucinating from LACK of sleep, not POOR sleep, she should be freaking out, not worrying about if her boss will freak out", is what she says. In my head, what's going on is she thinks for a moment "Am I hallucinating?", but decides it's more likely her imagination, just her eyes playing tricks on her. If she is starting to hallucinate from a poor night's sleep, she'd have to snap herself out of it before it affected her work. So that's all I have. Please tell me what you think. If I need to fix something, I can fix it so long as it gets the message across.