Quick note for those who finish reading this: This tale I'm writing focuses around more than one character. They all have different stories. Alucard's polio ties into him and his father's story. He actually gets an amputation around the age of 11. I just totally forgot to add it into this post before lol. He gets his arm replaced with a stronger, mechanic one made by an alchemist. This does in fact affect the story, but I wont tell you how. Please note you dont have to read all of this. You can just choose one stage of Alucard's life to talk about. I just want to get some advice. Do you think this is dark and sadistic enough? Im also having trouble making Alucard have a soft side. Im aiming for the cliche Hannibal Lector type. A sick killer with a loving, caring side. But I cant seem to pin it down. Any advice on how to do this? Ignore this part if you want: So I'm writing this story that follows the concept of a corrupted kingdom. The main character isnt this Alucard I speak of. It's instead a poor boy named Gunnar. My story will follow Gunnar on his quest to rebel this kingdom and it's brutal ways. However the twist is that it'll also follow other character's perspectives, to further deepen the plot. This is the part you can should read: Besides my main character Gunnar, there's another character I'm focusing on. His name is Alucard Damon Verbrenn IV. He's the leader of this kingdom (btw the kingdom being named Phlagus.) Alucard is a corrupt man. He brutallly murders the poor for things as simple as stealing, and can never take no for an answer. His Past (Read if you want.) While Alucard is twisted, he in fact isnt from an abusive family. His family is aristocratic, royal and showered in gold. His father was always there for him, but was far too hard on him. Alucard had a chip on his shoulder. He was born with a strange paralysis disease (now know as Polio). The counsel ordered the boy be killed due to his imperfections, but his father Alucard III insisted they shouldnt. Alucard was very smart, and was always in his room with a book instead of out playing or planning his future. His Dark side (Must read!) At the age of 14, things got worse. The kingdom was falling a part and neighboring enemy (the kingdom of Luna) was rising to it's peak. People are being kicked out of their homes, forced into the streets, and civil war is brewing. Bella was her name. She was Alucard's life. A pretty yet humble girl she was. The two first met at the age of 3. Bella was poor trash in most people's eyes, but to Alucard she was something special. When Bella was 14 (Alucard was 14 as well) she was kicked out of her home. The Royal Verbrenn family refused to take her in, despite Alucard's pleas. War was rising and the nation was near it's grave. Everything that was once right had been wronged. And that's when it happend. One rainy night Alucard had ventured to Market Street to find Bella. He decided that on the night of his 17th birthday he'd propose to her. However when he went to look for her he couldnt find her. He searched everywhere and still couldnt. With his hopes crushed, he returned to the royal castle. However he was denied entrance. When wondering why, they said an execution was in process. Quickly Alucard realized what was happening. He knocked both guards unconscious and hurried to the execution room. There she was. Bella beheaded, naked, and raped. Alucard's world was dark. Kinghood (Must read!) He is king now. Phlagus is still corrupt. The 22 year old Alucard has become dark. His skin has grown pale over the years and his voice much darker and decieving. His gaze was cold. In honor of Bella, he slashed one of his eyes with a dagger, leaving him less capable of sight. His father has died. His mother was brutally murdered during the war. His life has turned upside down. Without his father, he has no helping hand to get Phlagus back into shape. And the counsel has gone from a good group of citizens to corrupt businessmen who only wish to rake in as much money as possible. With everything upside down, Alucard results to the one thing left to do: kill. He realizes that everything has been taken away from him, why should anyone else get to keep their valuables? And so, he became sadistic. Every night he'd hunt for new civilians to torture. He'd bring the women to his room and enchant them. But quickly, he'd strip them naked and peel off their flesh. He'd eat what he could of them and leave the rest for later. And he'd burn the flesh up, drinking the ash. The same process went for men, but instead of enchating them, Alucard usually brought them up to his room by telling them he had money to offer. Even sicker he became. He killed of 7 of the royal counsel and blamed it on another 3 of them, having them executed. He stole resources from the nation, and Phlagus finally fell apart. The pleasure of killing is making Alucard happy. That is until the poor boy Gunnar (my main character) and his female friend Bell emerge. This girl, she's so much like one he used to know. He must find out more about her. And how else but by killing? So what do you think? I need advice.
First off, why did they execute Bella? Second, if they did that to the girl I loved, I'd probably go psycho too. Also, if he has Polio, how can he go venturing around into town, and knock two guards unconcious? I find it odd that a kid who spends all his time inside reading can beat two guards who probably have been well trained and are physically fit. The last logical flaw I see is that if he's royalty and Bella isn't how do they meet at 3? If he's in his room all the time reading how do they meet? These are probably things I just lost in transition. They all look like easy fixes. Maybe he is magical, and somehow magically overcame his disease. Maybe Bella worked in the castle as a servant for awhile taking care of him while he was sick as a boy? Just suggestions. I'll bet you've already worked it out and stuff but you know I got opinions too . The big thing I hate in character developement is when the character makes no sense. You don't ahve that problem! I think this is a well built character. Sounds like a cliche I hate everyone type but hey cliches arn't always a bad thing. Gotta love the classics . This guy certainly is twisted and I like the idea that your main character's friend reminds him of Bella. I see a interesting plot twist in the future!
In response to all your crits: 1. Bella's execution is not mentioned in Alucard's story. As said before it'll be more than one characters life being focused on here. That's the fun part of this. All the characters plots tie in together to make one large plot. I will not tell you WHO'S story features Bella's death though. You'll have to wait for the story. 2. The polio. lol I guess you can say I forgot to go into depth with that. On my original post I will leave a little note about it. Alucard's polio ties into him and his father's story. He actually gets an amputation around the age of 11. I just totally forgot to add it into my post lol. He gets his arm replaced with a stronger, mechanic one made by an alchemist. 3. Bella. How she knew Alucard was simple. Bella's mother was a maid at the Verbrenn castle.
lol sadly Alucard was all I could think of at the time. I think I'll have the first chapter of this story up later in the night.
Hmm.. Well your goal of 'twisted and dark' is heading in the right direction with someone who kills people and eats them... :-S As for his 'softer side'..obviously not knowing your character beyond what you wrote here, and not knowing the rest of his back story, it's difficult to come up with anything. Maybe one of the women he kills later on turns out to be Bella's sister, or a close relative, who looks just like her, and for once he lets the woman go free instead of killing her, because she reminds him of her so much... Just the first thing that came to mind, probably much better ideas out there though
If you have trouble with names, might I suggest: Behind The Name Excellent website. You can search by region or language of origin, meaning, male/female/ describption. They even list names by theme like "Dark," Warrior," "Biblical," or "fatherly." You can also search historic names by catagory. Its a good site for naming characters.
