Half of you will know what I'm doing with this. The the other half will be offended or confused or tone me out because I swear a lot, but this isn't for you. It's for the first half. What are we doing?
We're talking about writing.
Because I see you there, complaining about that book you haven't written. What's the problem? Story won't come together? People don't want to read your story? Finding time to write is hard? Let's cut the shit and talk about something important, and you can start by putting that thing you're enjoying, that thing you're doing instead of writing, down.
That stupid shit you're doing, that thing that isn't writing? Put. It. Down.
I am not fucking with you.
What's your name?
You call yourself a writer, you son of a bitch? Because the good news is you're not. The bad news is you only have one day, starting now, to become a writer.
You've got an idea for a story? Good.
You've had that idea for a long time, and you're on this writing website to learn about how to write it. That's a good start. You know how to finish? Start writing. Because if you can't write your own idea, then you can't write shit, then you ARE SHIT, AND YOU'RE NOT A WRITER!!!
What's that? Writing is hard? Writing takes time that you don't have? Your idea's weak?
No, your idea isn't weak, you're fucking weak. A real writer could turn your weak idea into gold, because only one thing counts if you want to be a writer, and that's if you write. You hear me, you fucking asshole?
A... B... W...
A. Always B. Be W. Writing
Always be writing.
ALWAYS BE WRITING!
Setting, Characters, Plot, Conflict, Theme.
Setting: Where does the story take place? Characters: Who's doing what? Plot: What are they doing? Conflict: What the fuck is wrong? Theme: What will people say your book is about when they want to sound smart?
Three Act structure:
1. Introduce them to your S.C.P.C.T.
2. Show rising conflict between all of your elements.
3. Conclude your story to the satisfaction of all the elements you presented.
Four Act structure:
1. Introduce them to your S.C.P.C.T.
2. Show rising conflict that ends in a setback.
3. Show growth and discovery, culminating in setback being overcome.
4. Conclude your story to the satisfaction of all the elements you presented.
Here's the part where you say: Uh, it's not that simple. You're just spoofing some old movie scene. There's more to writing than-
THEN FUCKING WRITE IT!!!!! Because it's write or walk. Either you write, or you fuck off. 6,566,667 people visited Amazon's website today. You think they visited to get out of the rain? They visited the website looking for something to buy. They're just sitting there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it?
Are you enough of a writer to take it?
What's the problem? You there, with the face. What's your problem?
You wonder what gives me the right to sit here and dare to tell you that to be a writer you need to write? You wonder what gives me the audacity to post something like this on a website full of other writers? Well, it's very simple.
You didn't write today.
You know who you are, you lazy fuck.
While you were sitting there, doing something stupid, other people wrote. Look down there.
That's stuff I've written. Because I want to be a writer. There's people reading this who've written ten times more than that. This isn't for them. It's for you.
Some of those folders are full of garbage that I've edited out because it was bad. I've probably cut more words from unpublished crap than you have ever written. And all of it was worth it because I was learning how to write, what to write, what I liked to write, and how to sit down and just keep writing, because I wanted to be a writer. You think writing is a dream or love or a magic fart in the air? Wrong. Writing is a fucking skill, and you get good at a skill by practicing it again and again.
It's a new year. Are you a nice woman? Gonna spent time with your boyfriend during this nice new year?
I don't give a shit.
Good father? Fuck you. Get out of here and go play with your kids. Because if you want to be a writer, then WRITE! Write everyday!
ALWAYS. BE. WRITING.
I can pull up notepad right now with any idea you have and write 5,000 words in 2 hours. YES, RIGHT NOW!! If you think it won't be any good because I don't know your story, THEN YOU FUCKING DO IT!! Can you!? Why not? The idea's in your head, so sit down and write it!
If not, I got no sympathy for you. One day you'll be reading one of MY books. And you know what you'll be saying? A loser sitting in a bookstore reading someone else's book?
"I could be a writer..."