1. Published on Amazon? If you have a book, e-book, or audiobook available on Amazon.com, we'll promote it on WritingForums.org for free. Simply add your book to our Member Publications section. Add your book here or read the full announcement.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Dismiss Notice
  1. Garball

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,334
    Location:
    S'port, LA

    bad passage?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Garball, May 15, 2013.

    Does this sentence read ok? I'm having a problem accepting it, but it is stating what I want it to. It is a quoted thought of the MC so it doesn't have to have perfect grammar.

    context: Atheist/agnostic pondering how they sold their soul when they don't believe in religion:

    passage: “Red said he didn’t believe either. Maybe the lack of belief made us easy targets. It sure would be easy to take something from someone that they didn’t even know they had in the first place.”
     
  2. erebh

    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,634
    Likes Received:
    471
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    "Red said he didn't believe either, that maybe our lack of belief made us easy targets... I'll tell you what though, it sure would be easy to take something from someone that they didn’t even know they had in the first place!"
     
  3. Xatron

    Xatron Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2013
    Messages:
    576
    Likes Received:
    6
    “Red said he didn’t believe either. Maybe the lack of belief is what made us easy targets. It would sure be easy to take something from someone when they didn’t even know they had in the first place.”

    That's how I would write it.
     
  4. Garball

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,334
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    thank you both
     
  5. Nee

    Nee Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2013
    Messages:
    713
    Likes Received:
    23
    Why are you using quotes for thoughts? Quotes are for spoken dialogue.

    And I need to see the paragraph before and after to say if it fits into the flow of the narration.
     
  6. jazzabel

    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2012
    Messages:
    4,273
    Likes Received:
    1,666
    My problem is repetition of the word 'easy' twice. Either repeat the word three times or not at all, it reads better. Also 'something or someone' dilutes the point somehow.
     

Share This Page