Grammar Better way to word this sentence?

I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would—not because I felt guilty, or feared that others might judge me, but because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it. I didn't forget, or block it out; I simply decided not to remember.

Mainly just the sentence fragment in bolded red. I've been working at it for the past hour and I can't seem to shorten it up any. I'm not asking anyone to write it for me, but does anyone see any other words/decent ways to rearrange it that might help give me some ideas?

 

...but because it was too painful to think about.

Or something like that. When you start filling your heart, etc, you're being melodramatic. It's a lesson I've recently learned and applied to my own writing. Makes a big difference. Another case where less is more? You can get away with this kind of melodramatic phrase occasionally, but like anything else, it can become a habit.

 

but that I simply refused to bring up the pain of remembering.

That's my worthless attempt.

 

I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would - not because I feel guilty, or feared that others might judge me, but because my heart was filled with much pain by it such that I with a lot of decision that was noticed by everyone and was not forgetting or blocking out would not remember.

 

I agree that "filled my heart" is going to strike a distracting, melodramatic note. If I were writing this I would shorten all of it:

I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would. My reason wasn't guilt or fear of judgement, but pain. It hurt so much that I just decided not to remember.

 

but because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it.
but because it bought my heart such pains, I couldn't but cease from thinking anything of it.

 

Try throwing "Suppressed" a thesaurus and see if you get anything better on the next pass?


I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would. It was not because I felt guilty, or feared that others might judge me. I didn't forget, or block it out; I simply decided not to remember. It was because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it.

I've probably broken the grammar, and definitely twisted your words into how I would express things.