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  1. Alesia

    Alesia Pen names: AJ Connor, Carey Connolly Contributor

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    Grammar Better way to word this sentence?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Alesia, Apr 21, 2014.

    I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would—not because I felt guilty, or feared that others might judge me, but because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it. I didn't forget, or block it out; I simply decided not to remember.

    Mainly just the sentence fragment in bolded red. I've been working at it for the past hour and I can't seem to shorten it up any. I'm not asking anyone to write it for me, but does anyone see any other words/decent ways to rearrange it that might help give me some ideas?
     
  2. jannert

    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    ...but because it was too painful to think about.

    Or something like that. When you start filling your heart, etc, you're being melodramatic. It's a lesson I've recently learned and applied to my own writing. Makes a big difference. Another case where less is more? You can get away with this kind of melodramatic phrase occasionally, but like anything else, it can become a habit.
     
  3. Selbbin

    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

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    but that I simply refused to bring up the pain of remembering.

    That's my worthless attempt.
     
  4. MLM

    MLM Banned for trolling

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    I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would - not because I feel guilty, or feared that others might judge me, but because my heart was filled with much pain by it such that I with a lot of decision that was noticed by everyone and was not forgetting or blocking out would not remember.
     
  5. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I agree that "filled my heart" is going to strike a distracting, melodramatic note. If I were writing this I would shorten all of it:

    I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would. My reason wasn't guilt or fear of judgement, but pain. It hurt so much that I just decided not to remember.
     
    jannert likes this.
  6. blinkstun

    blinkstun Member

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    but because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it.
    but because it bought my heart such pains, I couldn't but cease from thinking anything of it.
     
  7. Smoke Z

    Smoke Z Active Member

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    Try throwing "Suppressed" a thesaurus and see if you get anything better on the next pass?


    I've never told anyone this story, and never thought I would. It was not because I felt guilty, or feared that others might judge me. I didn't forget, or block it out; I simply decided not to remember. It was because it filled my heart with so much pain that I refused to think about it.

    I've probably broken the grammar, and definitely twisted your words into how I would express things.
     

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