Bragging

I’m Buddha humble. In fact I coined the word.

 

While Jesus was saying, "Take the least chair," and Buddha was sitting on the floor, I was standing outside in the mud and rain as the wind blew around me. I then stepped aside, so that an ant could pass. Then, I glowed in a bright light and then a great voice from above said, "You are truly more humble than any in all history have been. For the least shall be the greatest and the greatest shall be the least, so for every football pulled away by Lucy, you shall be the greatest football kicker of them all."

 

I too was standing in the rain and mud. As you moved
aside to let the ant pass, I removed my jacket allowing
the ant to pass over puddles safely. I don't remember
the praise the Great Voice gave me, for my genuine
humility does not regard such.

 

I always regard voices. I'm a terrific listener. My ears are open to everybody. I even listen to the voices in my head. If you need a listener, I'll listen. I once listened to Yoko Ono sing for 20 straight hours, and enjoyed it. I even listen to every speech given at the House of Representatives on C-Span.

 

Oh yeah? I’m the only human being to ever listen to you, and it was for nearly a whole sentence. Now that’s impressive.

 

Nobody ever listened to you, but I listened to your MOMMA.
Now THAT's impressive.

 

I told the first yo-momma joke

 

I told yo mamma jokes before Eve was created. Adam said, "What the heck is a mamma," I told him, "You'll find out."

Also, I told the very first joke.

Plus, I told the funniest joke. I can't tell it any more because everyone who hears it laughs until they die.

 

I led Death to our world so that people could die from your jokes!

 

I used my resurrection power to bring them all back again. Sent Death scrambling. Death is afraid of me now.

 

I did more then send Death scrambling. I made Death into scrambled eggs, the largest and most delicious meal of scrambled eggs of all time, and served it to one million guests in the greatest dinner party of all time.

 

I was all of those guests.

 

I was the first person to ever have a guest and made the biggest most delicious meal ever known on planet Earth. They were so happy they blessed me with all the blessing that ever will and ever will be.

 

My dinner parties are so popular, that President Obama, Vice President Biden and the cabinet, Bill and Hillary Clinton, George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, and in fact, all the former Presidents and Vice Presidents of both parties (and independents) and Presidential candidates, even the dead Presidents, and all members of Congress, as well as all the most famous celebrities, want to pay me $10,000 a plate to come to one of my functions, and they think that's way too cheap. If I opened my door to everyone who wanted to come, the eastern seaboard would tip over and everyone would slide off, simply because of the increased weight on this side of the continent. And that's when I serve grilled cheese sandwiches. If I serve anything better, it'll be a real stampede!

 

I entertain all the dignataries of the world on the moon whenever I have a banquet. All I serve is water and they pay me a million dollars an ounce.

 

Sounds impressive until you remember that water is scarce on the moon.

I'm so charming and persuasive, dignitaries offer to give me all their money and all their land, in exchange for an unflavored snow-cone when I hold my functions in Alaska. And I make them go outside and get it for themselves.

 

I secretly control all the politic of all the world, not to meantion the universe.

 

I secretly control you.

 

And I control you, and remain uncontrolled myself

 

I control both CONTROL and CHAOS.

I can contact Maxwell Smart at any time, with any shoe.

 

I know Lady Luck personally, and asked her to give Max the dumb luck to thwart Chaos every time

 

I did the Luck family tree. I'm actually best friends with the entire Luck family. Lady Luck, Lord Luck, Little Luck Jr., Aunt Millie Luck, Uncle Marty Luck. Using time travel, I've actually known and befriended every Luck there ever was and every will be. I'm the Luckiest man alive!

 

I married Fate and now control what will happen to everyone everywhere by weither I cut him off for a week or not. He will do anything to anyone just to bed me.

 

I hate to break it to you, but I'm having an affair with your beloved Fate, as well as Lord Luck and Mr Destiny.

 

In the words of George McFly, "I am your Density."