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  1. Sxerks

    Sxerks New Member

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    Building a very "homey yet foreboding" atmosphere

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by Sxerks, Nov 4, 2016.

    I have my first Year 12 Creative in a week, and I would like some feedback on my setting, and how the character feels around the surrounding. I'm attempting to create a very "homely yet sinister" atmosphere behind a dark plot line. Here is the opening paragraph:

    My hands felt cold, stone cold, at the sounds of blaring sirens and footsteps, hammering away at the marble floor, the door rattling in sync with the footsteps. I stood back, precariously close to the coffee table; it resembled a swan, and occupied most of the living room, giving life to the otherwise empty room. The gushing wind from the open window echoed softly, its cold touch lightly brushing my face. I took a deep breath as the sound of silence began to fill the room. Scattered pieces of origami swans gracefully across the room, its light weight giving way to the exuberant wind. The majestic purple glinted in the moonlit night, the beak reflected the light. Several seconds passed, and another loud rattle came from the handle. I averted my gaze back to the handle, my hands began to shake uncontrollably. Were they out to get me?

    Thoughts and feedback are appreciated.
    Thanks!
     
  2. Earp

    Earp Not Sorry Contributor

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    Please read the forum rules concerning submitting examples of your writing for critique, and note: "School/University coursework is not allowed".
     
  3. Sxerks

    Sxerks New Member

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    Oh, just re-read the rules. Apologies.
     
  4. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    in general terms (I'm not giving specific crit due to reasoning above), i'd suggest that you can build up tension by the way you structure your writing. If you look at say dean koontz he does this just with sentence/paragraph length

    if you start off describing and seen setting in reasonably long paragraphs , you can increase the tension by shortening the paras incrementally, from say 20 lines to 10, then to 8, then to 6, then to a single line , just a few words , and then booom, action fast and furious with short sentenses, then relief action over long paras again until the next tense scene

    (tension- anticlimax , actually its just the dog, everyone relaxes (para length increases) then Booom action - don't over do this as it works once from surpise , it doesnt work when its expected)
     
  5. SardonicWriter

    SardonicWriter Member

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    It feels anything but homely. I feel when reading this that you're trying to make your reader rush when reading your words.
    It's going all very fast. Pick it up slow, build up the tension and then run. Ya know? There are too many commas and too many
    adjectives. You're making me divert my attention from place to place, creating an almost schizophrenic sense of urgency but nothing
    foreboding or lingering. Daze your character but not the reader.​
     

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