I know that people are going to quip that cyber-bullying is as easy to fix as not logging in to where the bullying happens, but that's not a realistic statement. They same can easily be applied to real world situations and it doesn't stem the flood of bullying. What's worse about cyber-bullying is that behind the anonymity of a screen name, the Jungian Shadow hold reign. I'm no prude or dandy, but Shiva and Ganash at a dance party, the things I see people say to each other on the web... harrowing.
I have one simple answer. If you have to fight back. I am a Christian and The Bible says not to fight back. But if you HAVE TO, fight back.
I was raised under the firm rule, "No fighting, no matter what." We also moved every three years, on the average, so I was always the new kid. So I was bullied. Endlessly. And sixth grade, in Syracuse, was the worst. Sixth grader thugs-in-training with cigarette packs rolled into their tee shirt sleeves, and carrying switchblades. Even sprinting across the ball field that separated the school from my apartment, I was beat down on a regular basis. That was when I decided enough was enough. We were only in Syracuse for a year, so the next time we moved, I decided rules or not, I was not going to be bullied. The first bully wh "accidentally" shoved me, I shoved back. That led to the dreaded, "After school. Van Loan's Hill. Be there." Well, we bloodied each other's noses, shook hands, and that was that. He left me alone, I left him alone, and none of his crowd messed with me. There were a couple other later on (one was old enough to shave and drive - he had been held back about as many times as the school would allow), but I never again backed down. I never started it either, but I've never been successfully bullied since then. I won't count the time I ran into a "wall of meat" many years later - three townies outside a liquor store broke my nose. That was more of a smash and run. Simple felonious assault.
You're talking to "The Stump Doctor!" Cured them with an axes and mauls. You learned to pace yourself and whittle away. Dynamite was for fields with Stumpzillas in them but you still had to dig and hack. Wedges and sledges were used for splitting and wedges would wear and sent a piece of shrapnel into my grand dad's leg. Lot of people get killed and injured using chain saws. Don't know if you've ever seen "Turtle Man" on TV (Call of the Wild Man), he had a chain saw kick back and catch him in the mouth. How he only lost teeth and didn't cut his face off is beyond me, guess it was his lucky day. Once an old guy once wanted to show two young fellows how to cut something so he had them stand aside and went at it with his chain saw. Saw kicked back and pretty much cut his head off. Many years later I thought I saw a great deal on 4 cords of wood. And if it looks too good to be true...Yep! Man delivered tree length logs. But that way okay, had a teen-aged sons and trained them in the ways of the force. They learned to handle Darth Maul.
Think he's just a little kid. But with that said and assuming he was older, say seventh or eighth grade and you being a Christian, how does that work? How do Christian's think of fighting back? You say fight back so does that mean stand there and take the first blow, maybe two. Or would it be okay to pre-empt an assault and that you would pray he stomped mud-hole in the bully's ass?
Damn Cog! You needed a Bufford Pusser thumping stick! Good friend has an older brother who lived to fight. Not as a bully but the type of guy who hunted others who thought they were tough. He played middle line-backer on our high school football team and after the games, some guys came back for more. They were mad after a small podunk school wupped them, especially pissed at that smart ass middle line-backer. Noel would beat up three at a time. One would be knocked out before the other two knew what the hell was going on and the third usually just begged his way out of an ass wupping. All others who thought they came to fight just quit before he got to them. On the state championship game he forgot his jersey and had to wear a jersey of an underclassman. The radio announcer kept calling the number of another friend whose jersey he wore and everyone at home listening couldn't figure out how in the hell this little kid could come in and punish the ball carrier. He was the hero of the first state championship team until the town learned what happened. Noel got hurt early in his football career in college while team mates went on to national championships at Alabama. He soon flew jets in the navy but had a temper and got kicked out for assaulting a superior officer. Some years back during a fishing reunion I learned Noel was in a hospital after getting into a fight with three young guys in a bar in Atlanta. They put him in a coma and he was in the hospital for months. Noel was really a good guy and pretty damn crazy.
I think the way you portray yourself can help, if that makes sense. I was bullied quite a bit in my school days and decided that enough was enough and convinced my parents to let me take up martial arts so that I could defend myself and fight back. However, it had a profound affect on me and as my ability grew and my confidence grew I found the bullies began to leave me alone and wondered maybe it was the way I was now confidently holding myself, basically not making myself a target as it were. Also, with the martial arts training I discovered that I didn't want to fight and if I was attacked I would normally take the abuse, ask them politely if they were finished and then move on. To this day now I do not want to fight and I think the confidence I have in my ability shows and I have never had any problems in my adult life and if a problem were to arise I would much rather talk my way out of it that result to using my fists. It is also a lesson I now teach my students as it is great to know that you can defend and protect yourself and others, but it is a better feeling to realise that you don't have to use those skills as there are other ways to diffuse a situation without the need for anyone to get hurt and hopefully for no one to feel like they are being bullied.
Exactly true. After the incidents I mentioned, I was rarely challenged bu bullies, and nearly always have been able to get them to back down without taking on an aggressive stance. Quite the opposite, in fact. By staying calm and relaxed, and by speaking quietly, I have defused many potentially violent confrontations. At the same time, I am ready to take action if matters DO escalate, thanks to having trained in several martial arts as well. Martial arts don't teach you how to fight, so much as teach you how to not fight.
I agree wholeheartedly. When I was a kid I was very pacifistic. I was also very easy to get a rise out of. Now that life has thrown me far bigger punches than any bully ever could I've learned how to handle those situations much better. I also have confidence in myself that I did not have during that time. I've learned from intimate experience with very difficult people how best to diffuse arguments and when it's best to walk away. I've come to realize it often takes much more strength to walk away than it does to engage someone who is trying to egg you on. I'd say most bullies have very deep issues that go beyond anything they could possibly tease me about. They make that pretty clear with some of the things they will try to pick on others with. Realizing it's not something inherently wrong with you helps too.
Another bullied forumite here who "evolved." First it was by fighting back (physically and verbally), then I just became confident enough that bullies didn't mess with me. Some even befriended me. Teachers never helped, neither did anyone's parents (the same applied to all the kids in my old school). Sometimes they tried, but usually it just made things worse for the bullied kids. Luckily I managed to hide my bullying from my parents so they never embarassed me by setting up a meeting with the teacher and the bullys/their parents. Teachers don't have any real power to stop bullying anymore anyway. I will never, ever tell my future kids things like "violence is never the answer," or "never hit back, just walk away." It seems to me that those who have been bullied for years, verbally and physically, are rarely pacifists. You don't have to walk around beating people up, but just like every tool, violence has its place. Then again, the better a fighter you are, the less you need to hurt your antagonists to make them stop harassing you. That's why it's a good idea to look at self-defense like any useful skill (like first-aid, for example) and put some effort into it, learn a variety of skill sets etc. If only I'd read Geoff Thompson's 'the Fence' or 'Dead or Alive: the Choice is Yours' when I was still in school (or any of the better self-defense books that focus on the psychological and social side instead of techniques/the physical stuff that you can learn in almost any martial arts/combat sports club). I could've avoided years of being bullied, likely without fighting even once. Books like those teach you how to talk to aggressive people/bullies, how to de-escalate dangerous situations (verbally and by using body language as a support mechanism) etc. Information everyone should know and something my future kids will definitely learn at an early age so hopefully they will never end up in a single fight or as objects of bullying that may leave life-long scars that can be a pain to deal with even as an adult.
Not all bullies are created equal. Sure, some are tormented at home and may grow up, but others are quite simply jerks. And there's not much you can do about it. Fighting back? In theory a good idea, but not always in practice. As others have said, bullies will often pick on the kid who is much smaller. Or even disabled. Also, bullying isn't always physical. If someone is just walking around, calling you a loser, making fun of you, you can't really just deck them in school. Plus, the fact is, some people are really not at all good at standing up for themselves.
Actually, in my country, a kid can deck the other kid calling them a loser, making fun of them. That's because until you reach a certain age, you can't be held responsible for your behavior, legally speaking. That means you could punch a cop for no reason and nobody could do anything. To you, that is, but they could and would fine your parents. Still, the kid doesn't get punished. Also, children can't be thrown out of school permanently (not during grades 1-9, I mean, high schools can kick students out if they commit crimes serious enough). How is it in the States (or other countries)? But I agree with pretty much everything you said. I'd even go so far as to say that usually the worst bullying isn't physical, but psychological and/or social. It hurts less (to me anyway) to get punched in the face (esp.since most kids don't know how to throw a hard punch or even if they do, most don't have the physical mass to make it damaging enough) than it does to be excluded from birthday parties and other social gatherings the other kids are invited to. Also, it's "easier" to fight back when the bullying is physical: it's scary, but you know what you gotta do, i.e. punch, kick, bite etc, but what can you do about mental/social bullying? Not much, and what little you can do, is rarely effective. The best option is probably trying to make friends (even outside your class), but sometimes that's almost impossible if your stigma as bully food is so strong, other kids are too afraid to befriend you for fear of getting bullied themselves. I think parents should study the subject so they would recognize the signs invisible to the naked eye that their kid is being bullied because often it does show in the kid's behavior in one way or another. And if the bullying is bad, the parents should consider moving to another town and hopefully resolving the problem before the child enrolls into a new school, meaning the (possible) problem in the kid's own behavior that may have "drawn in" the bullies. For instance, have the kid try out some hobbies that would boost their confidence or teach them other skills that would help them not to be singled out by bullies. Then again, in this day and age of cyber bullying, the situation is much worse, because the kids in the new school/town will see the victim's facebook/whatever page, see the bullying that has taken place there, and the cycle repeats itself. That's why it might be a good idea for parents to monitor their children's internet usage and consider which social medias their children are allowed to use. Restrictions are a double-edged sword as well, because if the kid's the only one in their class without, say, a facebook page, that might lead to them getting singled out too.
I have known several people who have said this about their martial arts training—that once they've achieved a certain standard, people leave them alone. Not people who know they've done martial arts, but just people in general. The friends have all said they're sure it's because they stand differently, and project an aura of self-confidence. I think somebody who is being bullied should DEFINITELY try this. At the very worst they'll get some exercise and learn something new. At best, the bullying might stop, without a single fight.
Agreed. On all of this. Also I will have to check that out. Sounds like a great read and that sort of information is always useful throughout your life. I get very frustrated with people who say violence is never permissible. Or that even being aggressive verbally is bad in all cases. I don't understand that. False bravado has saved me on many occasions and kept me out of dangerous situations with dangerous people. Sometimes people act like animals. If you look or behave like you are weaker they will tear you apart. With the handicaps I live with from spine damage being aggressive verbally/acting like I'm not afraid by being more aggressive are my first lines of defense. It still doesn't hurt to work out my arms a lot and know how to throw a punch without wrecking my back though. That being said I also agree there's other times you have to back down and walk away. Confrontations with difficult people are always tricky and I don't think there's a simple answer for every situation. You have to play it by ear and do/know all you can to back yourself up if it comes to blows.
Geoff Thompson has posted a free pdf version of that book on his website. It's a quick, informative read even though the concept is so simple, but every bullied kid would benefit from it (and why not everyone else too? KaTrian has dissuaded some men from harassing her with the help of Thompson's teachings, just using words & body language). Here's the link: http://www.geoffthompson.com/media/ArtofFighting.pdf You can also search for the video (by the same name, The Fence) on YouTube. I've managed to avoid at least half a dozen fights because of the Fence (the concept, I mean), no harm done. ETA: Glad to see another person overcoming back problems. It can be very demoralizing to deal with constant pain, especially in the back because it affects everything and would make it very easy to give up and just lie in bed all day. Just gotta keep on fighting (though hopefully only figuratively).
That is awesome! Thanks for the link! I'm going to go check it out now! Definitely. There are days I don't do a lot because it just isn't physically possible for me and those are hard days because I really hate being totally inactive. I also finally found exercises I can do that are easy on my back to help keep my strength up so that's pretty awesome. It's nice to find things I can work around because there are so many things I can't work around. I try to hang onto the things I can do and remember those when I feel down about it.
I hate it when people tell kids to stand up to bullies, but don't give them the tools to do so. Yeah, your little Johnny doesn't like to fight and you taught him to resolve his conflicts with talk. There isn't gonna be a lot of talk if little Johnny's mouth is full of fist. It's better to teach little Johnny how to fight (and, for god's sake, I don't mean in a strip mall McDojo) and him not need to use those skills. Being more confident of his ability to fight will make him more calm and able to resolve a fight with talk.
Having been bullied growing up, the way I see it, if you aren't willing to fight back (by whatever means it takes) then you sure as hell aren't worth the resources to be defended at all. There are tons of people out there incapable of fighting back but would do so if they could, and those able to fight back but refuse to are completely disrespectful both to their own humanity and the humanity of others. In that same vein, I also think all kids should learn martial arts & Sun Tzu's The Art of War. Nothing is a bigger benefit than the discipline instilled in childhood from Martial Arts training & reading Sun Tzu. "If your enemy is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him. If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them. If sovereign and subject are in accord, put division between them. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected." - Sun Tzu
No problem. And I do that too. It's a hard path to walk and there are times when I feel like giving up, but there's no other way around it if you don't want to give in and just lay down to wait for the end of your days: you just gotta work hard and always look for new ways you can train / exercise without causing more damage to the injured / degenerated parts of your body (and it helps me to have KaTrian kicking my butt off the couch when I'd just want to watch JAG ). It'd probably be a good idea for the parent to read / discuss the Art of War with their kid(s) because many of those concepts are pretty advanced and / or written so that most kids would have difficulties understanding them to the degree that they could apply them to their own "battlefied," their life in school. It's a great book though. Geoff Thompson has taken a lot of stuff from it and many of his principles / advice comes from the Art of War although he explains it in a very down to Earth way that's easy to understand even for a dimwit like myself.
Definitely! I think when things are a struggle being able to do something is even more rewarding. haha It does help to have people who kick your butt when you're wanting to give up. That's one of the things I love about my bf. He knows when I just need a hug and when I need to be held accountable.
