To those who mentioned the word "frantic". That's my fault. I "infected" @jannert with that. Clearly not the word.
No shit. It's easy to write 'a' blurb. Lots of how-to advice out there. What's hard is getting it to represent my book the way I want it to be represented. I don't want to 'sell' something I've not actually written. The last thing I want is people buying the book for the wrong reasons, with expectations about the content that won't be met.
I don't think there should be any confusion between "selling" a book and "misrepresenting" a book. You sell your book by accurately representing what it is in a way that makes people want to read it. Think of your "ideal reader". What does that person look for in a book (that they obviously will find in yours)? How can you make it clear to them that this is a book that has what they look for? Your cover will do some of this, but the blurb can help, too.
Yeah, I get this. The point I was making is that many suggestions (not on this thread) I've received about making a blurb would try to sell the story by tabloiding it, in a way that I don't feel represents either the story or the way it's written. Making it sound lurid and/or edge-of-the-seat suspenseful is just ...not what it's about. It's finding a way to sell it correctly that consumes me at the moment. However, I've had a lot of great suggestions for angles to take (yours among them—especially the notion that it's the feeling of the piece that's important, not plot details) so I just need to settle down—which has NOT been easy this particular week!—and play around with some ideas. I love the idea that I don't need to tell people what happens, blow by blow. I just need to get them to want to buy the book and find out for themselves. I don't WANT to give my plot away! And no, the book is NOT 'about' incest, although an incident does occur early on in the book and sets many many things in motion. But the minute the word 'incest' enters the vocabulary of the blurb, folks seem to get the wrong idea—which tends to catapult them off into tabloid-ese. So while I don't want to be coy about the inciting incident, I don't want to send people off down the wrong track either. As you say, I'm also thinking in terms of what kind of reader this book would appeal to. And I'm also giving some thought to indicating what extra things the reader might gain from reading it besides the plot (in terms of style, setting and atmosphere.) I've been reading and copying lots of real blurbs from real books, to give me an idea. (An astonishing number of them ARE rather plot-heavy, surprisingly enough. But that's not really what I want.) And of course I'm not going to get the celebrity endorsements or the tie-ins with other books I've written before, etc. So that's not going to be part of my back cover either. This is my first and only book, to date. And I'm also researching genres, and thinking about how to frame mine to fit into a couple of them. This is a real learning curve for me! And I'm starting at the bottom.
SECOND REVISED VERSION: Montana Territory, November, 1885. Braving the mountains of the Great Divide, Józsi Tatyaghi is searching for his dangerous twin brother. A long time ago, back in Kansas, their relationship strayed beyond the borders of friendship. Now, all that remains are dark secrets and regret. Józsi still loves his brother, but Jenő Tatyaghi has become a bandit, a rustler and a killer—a man with resentment enough to wish his twin dead. But Józsi has dreams of reconciliation. He is determined to face his brother again, no matter what the consequences. He comes close to finding his brother, but then Józsi gets shot while crossing Carver’s pass. His faithful horse carries him to a nearby ranch, the B-Bar-N, where co-owner Jessie Buchanan tends to his injury. Stranded there for the winter, Józsi is offered a job as a horse trainer by Jessie’s brother, Rob. For the first time in months, Józsi feels at home, tempted by his growing love for Jessie, his friendship with Rob, and the prospect of a normal life for himself. If only he can give up his search for his wayward brother, agree to stay with the Buchanans, and start anew. But the ties to his brother are older, more elemental and binding. Józsi can choose to leave his past behind, but the past will soon catch up with him.
You may be spending too much time on the past. Whatever happened with his brother, it wasn't the inciting incident: inciting incidents don't ferment for a decade and then suddenly the hero decides to act. That childhood incident is the wound. Do you start the book with it, or is it backstory that gets revealed over time? Or do you start with something else, some particular news or event, that brought Jozsi to the mountains? Furthermore, "all that remains ..." is immediately contradicted in the next paragraph: Jozsi still loves his brother. Unless you start the book in their childhood (and correctly or not, I'm going to assume you do not) the fact that the wound arose then (and in Kansas) doesn't seem to merit space in the blurb. Telling us Jeno is "dangerous" is repetitive: you make that clear soon enough. So, because the urge to redraft another's work is strong, consider this: Montana Territory, November, 1885. Braving the mountains of the Great Divide, Józsi Tatyaghi is searching for his twin brother, Jenő. Jenő has become a bandit, a rustler and a killer—and he probably wants Józsi dead. But Józsi still loves his brother, and dreams of reconciliation. He is determined to face Jenő again, no matter what the consequences. Note that readers will assume Józsi and Jenő have the same last name. Also note that I leave it a mystery as to why Jenő wants Józsi dead: and why not? Finally, Jesse can be either a man or a woman (e.g. Toy Story), and unless the reader has some way to know in advance which Jesse is (e.g. the cover), if he's a man, you should probably say so, because that may not be what readers expect.
Thanks for your response. I'll consider what you've said. By the way, her name is Jessie, not Jesse. Jessie is always a girl's name, when it's spelled that way!
Some portion of your readership might be ignorant of that ... like I was? But I bet the cover makes it clear anyway.
I'll give that some thought as well. How about something like: He comes close to finding his brother, but then Józsi gets shot while crossing Carver’s pass. His horse carries him to a nearby ranch, the B-Bar-N, where co-owner Jessie Buchanan tends to his injury. Her older brother Rob offers Józsi a job as his horse trainer, if he agrees to stay on for the rest of the winter. Trust me. It will NOT be that kind of a cover! By the way, what happened in the past IS the inciting incident. Very much so. And yes, the reader is made aware of what happened in my Prologue, which is about their childhood.
I'm no pro, but these are the slight changes I would make. Montana Territory, November, 1885. Braving the mountains of the Great Divide, Józsi Tatyaghi is searching for his twin brother. A long time ago, back in Kansas, their relationship strayed beyond the borders of friendship. Now, all that remains are dark secrets and regret. (I am not sure if it should be remains or remain. For some reason remains feels like it should be followed by is instead of are) Józsi still loves his brother, but Jenő has become a bandit, a rustler and a killer—a man with resentment enough to wish his twin dead. Still, dreaming of reconciliation, Józsi is determined to face his brother again, no matter what the consequences. And he nearly does. But Józsi gets shot while crossing Carver’s pass. His faithful horse carries him to a nearby ranch where co-owner Jessie Buchanan tends to his injury. Stranded there for the winter, Józsi is offered a job as a horse trainer by Jessie’s brother, Rob. For the first time in months, Józsi feels at home, tempted to settle down by his growing love for Jessie, his friendship with Rob, and the prospect of a normal life for himself. Will Józsi give up the search for his wayward brother and agree to start a new life with the Buchanans? The ties to his brother are older, more elemental and binding. Józsi may choose to leave his past behind, but the past will soon catch up with him. I agree that Jessie is gender neutral and you should probably specify either way because it could be what lures/repels a reader. In this case, I would probably just add Mr or Ms before Jessie Buchanan.
Good, except maybe the "faithful horse" cliche, but that adjective does help the rhythm. Also, you might be able to change "a nearby ranch, the B-Bar-N" to just "the B-Bar-N" -- doesn't that name imply it's a ranch, in this time period? And nearby is kind of implied.
That's what I originally assumed, but my most recent beta didn't know that the B-Bar-N was the name of a ranch until I explained it to her. So, like Jessie/Jesse, I'm taking no chances here! I agree about faithful horse. I've pulled 'faithful' from my revised paragraph already.
Yes! Thank you for spotting the 'remains' thing. Of course it should be 'remain.' Will change that. And I like your second paragraph suggestions a lot. I am surprised that so many people think a man's name would be spelled "Jessie," but I bow to the fact that they do. I will make it clear that she is a woman. I'll consider the rest of what you've said as well.
Perhaps the name of the ranch doesn't need to be in the blurb? It's never used again in the blurb. Reece suggested this as well. [ETA: I really think you should consider leaving the trouble between the brothers at the "his twin brother (might) wants to kill him" level. Most people will read that as implying some dang serious stuff has gone down between the two of them. ]
Is there some reason that I should not include the fact that their trouble stems from childhood? In fact, it's Joe looking for his brother, not the other way around. Jeno actually doesn't want to be found, and, in a pinch, early on, in Chapter One, actually passes up the chance to kill his brother. So this angle that Jeno might want to kill Joe is simply not entirely accurate. The situation between the two of them is complicated. I am keen to mold the blurb so it reads well, but less keen to change it so it doesn't actually fit the story. I will consider dropping B-Bar-N, if it is causing problems.
I know that Jessie is usually the female spelling, but not everyone does. I've also known quite a few Jesse's who were female. I think most people would probably get it, but it's an easy change that may make the difference for at least a few readers
Actually, I re-read the sentence, and I think 'remains' is correct. The subject of that sentence is 'all,' isn't it? (Unless my brain is imploding.) You wouldn't say "All that remain are..." Mind you, I'm past being objective. My brain is burning out. ...Never mind. I think your original correction may be right. I need to stop now, and do a rethink.
I think you should keep the childhood bit. It sounds like an important plot point, and it's vague enough to be intriguing. It would certainly make me want to read more. He may wish his brother dead works for me. I've wished a lot of people dead, but that doesn't mean I want to do it myself or even really would want it to happen if it came down to it. I think the name is just a tiny bit too much detail and doesn't add much in the way of necessary information. For me, any extra text that isn't contributing to luring me in just pulls me out. I like things like bang punch yeah I want to read this.
Yeah I still don't know which is correct. I have a lot of silly gut feelings that aren't always right Take it with a grain of salt. I said both versions out loud a few times and still wasn't sure.
Neither am I. More coffee. I'll bring in a non-forum friend of mine who is an ace at grammar, and she'll sort it out!
My bad, I over-interpreted "a man with resentment enough to wish his twin dead" in what you posted. Is that just reflecting Joe's fear? If so, just saying that a person is afraid that his twin sibling may wish/want him dead is powerful indicator of conflict. I think it will leave readers wondering why two people who ought to be so close are in such a state. Jenő has become a bandit, a rustler and a killer—and Józsi fears that Jenő may want him dead.
