1. MisterOz_GatorLover

    MisterOz_GatorLover New Member

    Dec 29, 2010
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    Can you fellow writers help me make this work?

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by MisterOz_GatorLover, Mar 13, 2011.

    My story is one involving black humor. The antagonists are high school students who are football players at Iolani School. These football players obsess over players from rival schools that they hate and girls that they are hoping to attract. When girls they are eyeing reject them, they obsess over these girls and plot to ruin their lives. When they feel these girls are threatening to call the police or Iolani administration and accuse them of stalking, they blackmail them. Their experience and talent in blackmailing people is astounding and disturbing. They've also blackmail athletes who threatened to tell newspapers that Iolani recruits. The fact that Iolani recruits is something they'd like to keep a secret to help Iolani's positive image remain (the school's got a positive image due to the ability of these football players to hide their dirty deeds). Here is a description of some of the main antagonists.

    Jimmy Rawson side
    Kevin Barayuga: The ringleader, the one who formulates plans to ruin Jimmy's life. When Jimmy visits Iolani, Kevin assumes that he’ll join them and enroll. This doesn’t happen. When Jimmy joins Punahou, it enrages him. The little respect Kevin’s got for Jimmy flies out the window when Jimmy says that Iolani kids treated him like doodoo. He further infuriates Kevin when he calls Iolani girls ugly. He can’t stand Jimmy’s sense of entitlement (ironic since Kevin and many of his friends harbor this same weakness) and hates his Caucasian, rich background. Jimmy shows this during track season and basketball season. When he catches Jimmy cheering hard for Punahou in their games against Iolani, it intensifies his hatred of him. He feels that Jimmy represents the worst Punahou can offer in terms of students and is the poster child of spoiled Punahou kids. Some of Kevin’s hatred of Jimmy stems from jealousy—but that’s a small part. His hatred of Jimmy, like many Iolani students who can’t stand him, is mainly because of Jimmy’s rejection of Iolani, his taunts to them any chance he gets, and his sense of entitlement. Kevin also takes offense to the success of Jimmy with girls. Having a girlfriend but wanting more, he can’t understand why an attractive girl like Natasha Chinen would date Jimmy, whom he deems so ugly as heck. He asks for the help of friends to undermine the relationship and succeeds. He also finds Jimmy’s sister attractive but stalks her for the sake of making her—and Jimmy—feel miserable. When he learns that Jimmy is dating a girl he used to like and would’ve loved to have success with—Kelli Walter—he flies into rage. There, his aides convince him to threaten Kelli to end her relationship with Jimmy. He complies with them and uses these tactics to diffuse any rumors of his involvement with the misdeeds Iolani kids are committing. He is an egotist and believes his infallibility when he hides involvement in deeds he knows will get him into trouble. Escaping trouble adds to his bloated ego. He loves to go on facebook and flirt with any girl he finds to be attractive. He either hides his identity or when his passion is intense, uses his real facebook. Whenever a girl he targets treats him like doodoo or threatens to report him, he blackmails her and uses evidence of wrongdoing (real or planted by his Iolani friends) to shut her up. He convinces his female friends to act with him to ruin the lives of anyone he hates and brainwashes young Iolani students to harbor the kind of hatred he’s got toward Jimmy. He also convinces all of Iolani to hate Jimmy. This guy uses as many internet sites as he can (including facebook) to paint a negative portrayal of Jimmy and begs students from rival schools (mainly Kamehameha and St. Louis) to view Jimmy the same way. This is a guy that also insists on stalking Amanda to get her to view Jimmy in the same light he views him. Amanda considers his efforts stalking. He also likes visiting strip clubs after victories or even losses. He always brings his football teammates along (and bribes the owner of the club to let him in). He’s the one who comes up with the idea of supplying Amanda’s rival crew with secrets of Amanda’s dance moves (to Blake Horita’s chagrin). He also can’t stand some girls at Iolani who like Jimmy and find him attractive. This intensifies his anger towards Jimmy. It is also a trait Reid, Josh, and Blake find infuriating and adds fuel to their fire as well.

    Josh Arita: the ultimate Iolani fanboy. He thinks that Iolani, with the challenges it faces (no recruits, small players), has the best coach and players in the ILH. He is a freshman the year Jimmy visits campus but doesn’t interact with Jimmy. However, when he learns that Jimmy is talking smack about his school and telling people Iolani courted him, he flies into rage and gathers a bunch of friends to taunt Jimmy in basketball. These friends include Blake Horita and Chase Kajima—who don’t even play football (they follow it nonetheless). His favorite activities include working on cars (an activity a bunch of his friends like as well). He also goes on forumshawaii.net to demonize Punahou. Though his hatred of the Puns ain’t as intense as friend Reid Saito’s, he reacts with anger whenever somebody slates his school. He believes Iolani is too small to play in D1 and can’t understand why there are people calling for Iolani to join Punahou, St. Louis, and Kamehameha (bigger schools) in the upper division of the ILH. When Jimmy threatens to expose their recruitment of him and stalking incidents, he views Jimmy as a threat and works with older friends (and friends in his grade) to silence him. He feels that his association with Iolani allows him to do anything he wants. He declines on having a girlfriend (despite many Iolani girls having crushes on him) and will do anything to attract as many girls as he can. He stalks the hell out of Katie when he targets her. He also believes stereotypes surrounding Punahou—that their students are rich, Caucasian, spoiled children. This despite his father’s upper-class standing. He also encourages the football team to kick the crap out of Punahou when they are suspects in vandalizing Iolani’s field (showering it with glass).

    Reid Saito: the biggest Punahou hater of the bunch. When he learns that Iolani kids have been having problems with Jimmy, he steps in and intimidates Jimmy so hard. His cockiness stems from his successful attempts at covering up stalking misdeeds and what he deemed to be a successful season Iolani had in 2018. In 2018, with people not expecting much from them, Iolani gave every ILH team a challenge but also inflated the egos of several of its players, mainly Reid and Kevin. On the basketball court as a junior, Jimmy plays with determination and flaunts his talents in front of Reid. It angers him and further sours his opinion of Punahou. Like Josh, he can’t understand why there are those who hate Iolani. But he takes it less seriously and uses it on the field or on the court. He’s got a girlfriend but feels the need to add to his ego. He sarcastically talks down anyone who utters a negative word about Iolani. He thinks his school’s got the nicest kids and kids who wouldn’t participate in misdeeds the way Punahou, Kamehameha, and St. Louis kids can. He is the one the other kids rely on to hide evidence of any wrongdoing. He stalks people on facebook and crashes parties. He also thinks he can cheat and get away with it. He considers and often goes forward with thoughts of disrupting rival team’s practices. He does anything to keep Iolani’s reputation positive and blames other schools or points out the misdeeds of kids from other schools. He often uses internet tools or other means to make innocent students from other schools look like culprits of misdeeds. This is the reason he’s the main one who keeps insisting Punahou took Jimmy out his middle school (but thinking that they really took Jimmy out of Iolani), which his friends agree. Jimmy’s statement that Iolani is the “One Team of Cheaters” and the “Paris Hilton of Hawaii high school football teams” angers him and baffles him to anger.

    Blake Horita: Jimmy’s ultimate competitor for girls. As Josh’s friend, Blake notices Jimmy and hates what he sees. Jimmy takes any chance he can to mock Iolani kids that are mocking him in the first place. Then Jimmy insults the females at Iolani and calls them ugly, offending Blake. When Punahou and Iolani meet for the ILH championship in basketball, Blake hurls homophobic and personal insults towards Jimmy, catching his attention. Punahou wins the game, but the taunts won’t stop. Then, when Blake learns that Jimmy is threatening to expose Iolani’s recruitment of him, he takes Reid and Josh’s stance and views Jimmy as a threat. Like Josh and Reid, he’d do anything to keep Iolani from having the reputation of Punahou. Blake just doesn’t harbor the kind of hatred toward Punahou that Reid does. Blake hardly taunts Jimmy with the football players and does so on his own, being the ringleader of another group of Iolani students who hate Jimmy. None of these students—including Blake’s good friend, Chase Kajima—possess the animosity he does toward Jimmy. When he learns that Jimmy is dating Kelli Walter, Blake can’t believe it and does anything to ruin the relationship. He can’t accept that Jimmy is dating a senior. He tells Kelli of all the horrible tales of Jimmy’s personal lives and assesses to her that Jimmy is hiding a lot of things. It takes a huge effort, though, to sour Kelli’s opinion of Jimmy. Blake then sees himself as better than Jimmy and brags to him about it. It sparks a higher fire between the two and spills over into Blake’s junior year and Jimmy’s sophomore year. When Blake learns that Jimmy is becoming fast friends with a Punahou freshman, Amanda Lopez, he works his ass off to curry favor of Amanda and make himself look good to her. He also does his best to paint a nasty picture of Jimmy to her. As a close to friend of teenyboppers (and pseudo gangstas) at Iolani but also Punahou and other private schools, he learns of Jimmy’s mistreatment towards them and uses it against him to convince Amanda that she shouldn’t even befriend him.

    Nate Taga: the enforcer of the group. An Iolani RECRUIT who already can’t stand Punahou and believes the majority of their students are cocky asses, he agrees to back his senior friends up and taunt Jimmy to hide their involvement. Because of his size, other football players rely on him to threaten anyone thinking of exposing the sordid details of their wrongdoings. He’s got more of a life and doesn’t obsess over Jimmy as much as the others do. But he is a threat and loves to party with Kevin at strip clubs. Will use his size to pick on people who think independently.

    Reece Foy: one of the few people in the same grade who hates Jimmy, he can’t stand Jimmy’s sense of entitlement and like the others, will do anything to keep Iolani’s reputation positive. He’s also got the same sense of entitlement problem, picks on people who refuse to conform. He falls victim to the brainwashing of older football players regarding Jimmy and learns to hate him when watching him take on Punahou in football and basketball.

    There are many other football players of Iolani’s that mess with Jimmy and partake in the activities Reid, Kevin, Blake, Josh, Nate, and Reece do. The six above assholes brainwash these other football players and tell them that if they don’t attack Jimmy, they traitors who are dishonoring Iolani. The threats from the players, as well as the school spirit Iolani encourages in its students, influence them to help the six others turn Jimmy’s life into a living hell. They don’t obsess as much as the Jimmy’s main enemies but obsess nonetheless. Some people who like to mess with Jimmy aren’t even football players but swimmer friends of Blake who join him in taunting Jimmy. These players will be at football games involving Punahou (even when Punahou ain’t playing Iolani) and will taunt Jimmy mercilessly. Most of the people gathering together to hurt Jimmy enjoy this new “hobby” and find satisfaction knowing nobody can do anything to stop them.

    Sarah Weatherley side:
    Tyler Graves: Iolani’s star linebacker who runs into Sarah leaving the Ka’ili Center and notices that she is a small celebrity. The more he gives it thought, the more his wishes to be with her intensify. Unlike Reid, who wants Sarah (after he notices her) for sexual gratification, Tyler hopes to win Sarah’s heart and begin a domineering relationship with her. Tyler treats women like doodoo (his last relationship ended with his former girlfriend walking out on him sick of his treatment towards her) but manages to have a good relationship with teenyboppers who find him attractive and love his football skills. His solid grades add to his arrogance. Tyler also manages to hide his dirty deeds and uses manipulation to make himself look good in the eyes of Iolani classmates. This works with some people at rival schools but fails with most. These rivals can tell Tyler is an egotist of epic proportions. He’s stalked girls from the past when his girlfriends dumped him and any time the girls he’s stalked threatened to report him, he blackmailed every one of them and made them live in fear. His success with teenyboppers comes with their blind and superficial personality (they like Tyler because of his appearance) as well his cunning ability to appear calculating, caring, and innocent even while concocting the most vicious of schemes. He celebrates victories going to strip clubs and drinks alcohol heavily after losses. He benefits from the bribing and blackmailing talents of his friends (and football coaches) and becomes an expert himself in those acts (as well as hacking facebook). Tyler has been the dream of many Iolani girls but dismisses those girls, calling them ugly. Some of his biggest teenybopper fans are Sarah’s rivals, putting him in conflict. He appeases those teenybopper melismatics by telling them that he’ll change Sarah so they can like her. He enlists their help in threatening Sarah to keep quiet about his harassment of her. His sense of entitlement is outrageous. Not only does he believe being a student at Iolani guarantees him a life of luxury, he feels he is superior than any Punahou student. He tries to convince Sarrah that Punahou’s education standards are a joke and that Billy Brynn is a no-talent loser. He can’t understand the appeal of Billy Brynn and wishes he had Billy B’s attention himself. He feels dating Sarah will earn him the recognition he craves. He can’t fathom why Sarah would reject him and keeps going after her. Accepting rejections is not a strength of his. Only a couple of girls that he’s gone after have rejected him because unlike most of his teammates, he chooses his targets (teenyboppers) carefully. Targets that he knows won’t treat him like doodoo like girls from other schools do. When he feels that a plan can keep Billy B away from Sarah, he, conspiring with the local trash, agrees to “glass” Iolani’s field with friend Wilson Ai and make the evidence point to Punahou football players as the perpetrators. He obsesses over Sarah, which inspires him to be one of Iolani’s biggest football contributors but also inflates his already bloated ego and outlandish sense of entitlement. Sarah is a new challenge for him and resists in a way that no girl had resisted Tyler before. She is unwilling to be a pawn to Tyler’s blackmail schemes and refuses to give in like other girls had. Thus, she engages in a game of blackmail with Tyler to try and get him off her back. Every time a girl rejects him or dumps him, he pays so much attention to avoiding that feeling that it greatly disappoints him when a girl dumps or rejects him again. The praise teenyboppers give him enhances his sense of entitlement and arrogance. He’s the Gaston of Iolani football players.

    Ammon Baldomero: A stalker of Sarrah but for a different reason. This guy’s got enemies across the board in the ILH. He is a trash talker who fights with other teams almost every game they play against D1 teams. But other teams don’t harbor the kind of animosity towards him that they do towards Billy Brynn because they deem him harmless. Adding to that belief is the lack of attention he receives from ILH onlookers. He is unsuccessful in finding “hot girls” and only receives attention from “ugly girls”. Sometimes he dates them until he can’t handle it any longer. Ironically, he falls for a girl, Sonya Gordieva, that all the other Iolani football players deem ugly. Nevertheless, not all females hate him, as evidenced by his friendship with Iolani’s teenybopper crew. When these teenyboppers become singing rivals of Sarah’s, he sides with them and plots to bring Sarrah down. This brings him into direct conflict with Tyler, who likes Sarah. Tyler woos him that he can change Sarah so the teenyboppers will like him, thereby he sides with Tyler. But this also causes him to stalk Sarah so she can fall into Tyler’s hands to change her. He stalks her for the sake of stalking her and develops fantasies of raping her since he finds her attractive. He’s stalked girls before and gotten away with it; those he’s blackmailed some, he’s done the stalking over facebook and pinned the deeds on players he HATES. Therefore, the girls he’s stalked can’t indentify him through his fake accounts and identities or simply blame the wrong person. The wrong person being the football players Ammon’s taken the identity of through facebook. He, like Tyler, tends to behave boorishly when drunk and never hesitates to release his actual identity when he encounters girls he likes in public. When the girls reject him (almost all the time), he sure as heck blackmails them through Tyler’s and Reid’s advice. He feels that he is a tough guy through internet trash talking. That hobby heightens his already bloated ego. The main target of his tough guy rants is Punahou, being that he can’t stand their football players and finds Punahou girls ugly.

    Reid Saito: This guy’s hatred of Jimmy conflicts with his infatuation with Sarrah. Tyler tells him about Sarah; once Reid catches a glimpse of her, she becomes another target of his sexual urges. He cheats on his current girlfriends as much as possible because of being bored with them. He craves “different kinds” of sexual intercourse and engages in it as much as he can. His methods to get girls to sleep with him include drugging them and blackmailing the person who sells him the roofies. Though he performs exceptionally in the classroom, Reid lets his dick dictate his thoughts and ambitions. One girlfriend ain’t enough for him; he needs so much appreciation from girls to keep his inflated ego bloated. When he notices that Sarrah is hanging with Punahou football players, he urges her to ditch them because he says “they have small dicks” and if she wants “top-quality dick, she’d suck mine and any Iolani football player’s.” His wooing of Sarrah enrages her and prompts her to kick him in the balls. His anger over her wish to interact with Punahou players instead of that of Iolani baffles him and angers him. He continually tries to sell the “good image” of Iolani to Sarah over facebook while also slating the Punahou players she is “flirting” with. When he realizes that Sarah won’t fall for his infatuation with her (something she can clearly see through), he plots, with Tyler, to blackmail her to stop interacting with the Punahou kids. This includes exposing Sarrah’s drinking, which she goes to great lengths to hide. Reid is superficial as heck and won’t date girls that he deems ugly, which there are many. His standard for girls is high. He shoots down any attempts by girls who find him attractive because he deems them ugly. This is also a trait Tyler shares. The fear that Jimmy Clausen, his ultimate enemy, is growing closer to a friendship with Sarah, also drives him. Any time girls don’t wish to interact with him, he shifts the blame to players of rival schools and offers them protection from those players. It takes him aback that Sarah would reject Iolani students, thinking that a girl who doesn’t have any connections with an ILH school (or any close football-playing friends besides the one he hates) would be more willing to have a relationship with him than the ones who rejected him before. He only thinks that girls going to rival schools or Hawaii schools would hate Iolani. It is another case of him failing to realize that some girls he approaches don’t like Iolani. This he can’t understand. He promises that if Sarah keeps seeing and cheering on the Punahou players, he and his boys will harass her and monitor her until she complies (though they don’t intend to stick to this end of the deal either). The thought of Jimmy and Iolani detractors drive his football and basketball play.

    Reece Foy: a newcomer to the trade, he feels an enhanced sense of entitlement after, to him, a satisfying freshman year. He meets Sarah and treats her nicely but keeps bragging about his Iolani education. It enrages Sarah and continuously sours her opinion of Reece. Sarah begins her interactions with Reece by treating him with kindness. Reece soon exploits it and has thoughts of cheating on his current girlfriend with Sarah. He also treats Sarah’s friends like doodoo, behaves like a buffoon when drunk, and finds it discouraging that Sarah is interacting with Punahou football players. He feels, if “she can make friends with Punahou players, why can’t she make friends with Iolani football players?” To him, popularity is a key to success (just as Tyler thinks).

    Wilson Ai: as a junior, he is single but is the tool of Reid and Tyler to be the enforcer. He finds Sarah attractive and, like Reid, wants her for sex as well. He is sarcastic as heck and hasn’t got qualms about picking on people that are different from him. He uses his size to intimidate people and is clever when insulting Iolani detractors. When he learns that Sarah’s got friends at Punahou, he conspires to make her suffer unless she renounces her Punahou friends. He also intimidates Iolani students to do his homework like the local trash. He is friendly with many teenyboppers and pseudo gangstas and wages war with anyone that’s an enemy of them. He also learns to blackmail people (from his friends) and enjoys the practice.

    Other Iolani football players helping them concoct their plans to stalk Sarah are Matt Padaca, Kai Iwasaki, Jordan Larsen, and Justin Tolentino. These guys either stick behind their friends as backup or find interest in Sarah themselves, hoping to win her favor. Some of them eye her friends and harass them. When they are competing with the local trash for Sarah, some of them come to blows but because of the efforts of Jerry Leigh Travis Cabuatan and Tyler Graves, diffuse the tensions. When one of the Iolani kids begins having second thoughts about harassing Sarrah, they stick to their ambitions, knowing that plotters like Reid, Tyler, and Kevin could blackmail them themselves.

    Having read all that, I'd like these Iolani kids to look like fools and have comedic things happen to them when they go after Sarah or harass Jimmy. Humorously bad things, like them stalking a girl but running into her big boyfriend who is a football player at a rival school and chasing them away. Their ability to pull pranks or woo girls (without talking about their sexual desires or size of their penises) is pathetic but they make up for it with their knowledge of blackmailing people. They use facebook to blackmail people because even when blocked they can access anybody's facebook and even facebook passwords. Only when they run into a girl whose knowledge of computers betters theirs do their blackmail talents not work for them. Will this work? If not, can you think of ways to make this work? I'd like your input.

    And if you don't like my writing or creativity, don't bother commenting. I know there are people who hate me here.
  2. Reggie

    Reggie I Like 'Em hot "N Spicy Contributor

    Nov 10, 2010
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    Is this a character synopsis of your story? It looks like you have the potential to write a well written story, and you should go with your guts about writing what works for you. Put your story together and see how you like it. Your goal is to write a book from your own perspective and not from the readers, because adding effort for your own good before us makes your story better than just simply asking us. What really counts is the writing, and not just the plot. Anyone can come up with good ideas as well as you can, and people would be delighted to see how well your story is written and not just the imaginary images from your story. From where I read, you have some good ideas, and your plot seems to be on point, just keep in mind that writing is more important than plotting. Once you are done plotting, you may post your writing for review to see how we like it. :)

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