I wasn't sure where to post this so I hope this is the right place. It's also only a single sentence so I hope I'm not breaking the two-week-til-a-critique rule! I think I have been writing too much today because I just can't get this sentence right, no matter how much I re-arrange it: Absorbed in her writing, she didn’t realise James, the manager, had come out of his office until he coughed, the sound coming from right in front of her. I feel there are too many commas and it just doesn't flow (or have I been reading too long today?) I want to say his name as well as qualify that he's the manager, because the previous paragraph refers to "the manager" and, since he's about to talk, I just want to call him James from then on. Introducing his name in the first paragraph results in exactly the same problem. Ideas?