That depends on who you ask. For some people there are no excuse, and others are more liberal. I would think it would also depend on what role in the relationship that person is filling during whatever indiscretion is going on.
For me (although this is a personal view and not something I think everybody should share) I think cheating is okay IF ...and this is a big IF ...both (all) spouses agree to it. And by 'agree,' I mean a) know it's going on and b) fully support it as an open marriage kind of thing. If one spouse is not happy with this arrangement, and feel they need to accept it as the 'price' for keeping the marriage going, then I'm not in favour. Three is definitely a crowd if one of the three is unhappy. Back in my home town, I knew a couple who had what looked like an open marriage. The guy (an elderly fellow by the time we knew him) had a long-time girlfriend AND a spouse. This had been going on, quite openly, for many years. I remember when I worked in a local restaurant, he would bring the girlfriend in for dinner on one night, then the next night he'd bring the wife, and on a few occasions he brought both. They all seemed to get on well enough. Of course I have no idea how happy this arrangement was, but it seemed amicable. I remember thinking ...well, if you're going to have an affair, this is the way to do it. No secrets.
That is often a symptom of the general relationship not working though. Barring some sort of medical condition or mental health issue that would make sexual intimacy a challenge or impossible, the lack of touch in general and the lack of sex in a relationship is usually a sign that something else is wrong. Rarely is it really about the sex when you start digging. Often, the first sign that a marriage is on the rocks and heading for disaster is when the couple stop having sex. I tell all my married friends: get a nanny and go out with your spouse alone. Go on a date. To a restaurant. For a picnic. Get the babysitter to take the kid out and spend a night at home over wine, or whatever rocks your boat. But for goodness' sake, spend time with one another. These friends usually smile and laugh and say of course I'm right and they'll think about it, wouldn't that be nice, but usually don't act upon it. These are also friends in unhappy marriages or who eventually divorced. The step before the sex disappears is, of course, the lack of time together. And when you don't spend time together, we can't be surprised that there will be issues in the marriage. Too many people don't make each other their priority and then wonder why their marriage's falling apart.
A little off-topic but polyamorous relationships aren't "cheating" by virtue of being polyamorous. That's kind of a dicey misconception that makes folks think polyam people are somehow "wrong" or "deviant" or what have you. Cheating can absolutely happen even in polyamorous or open relationships, too. They're rarely just a free-for-all, there are boundaries and ground rules set up that vary from relationship to relationship. What you described didn't sound like an "affair" at all, but like a lot of triads I've known. I'm glad to hear it seemed to work out for them (I know this topic isn't about polyamory, but as a polyam person the misconception stings a little bit. Hope that clears things up )
Probably the word 'cheating' doesn't mean the same thing to both of us—hence the misconception. I was using it in the old-fashioned sense ...that a marriage (traditional one, which was the only one available at the time I'm speaking about) is between two people only. If a third person enters the relationship on a sexual level, we called that 'cheating' in most cases. It didn't have anything to do with whether all three people knew about it or not. I remember the elderly couple in question being described to me as, 'He's been cheating on his wife for years. That's his girlfriend, not his wife—but his wife doesn't mind. Sometimes all three of them come in for dinner together.' I think today we'd describe that as an 'open marriage?' If 'cheating' now only means hiding the 'affair' from the other party, then I'm on board with that definition as well. Definitions, especially of social issues, do evolve pretty fast these days. I think it's important not to get too bogged down in semantics. It's the nature of the issue that matters, isn't it? In my opinion, if all parties are aware and in favour, I think that's fine. I would struggle with lying, or being lied to—or being pressured to accept an arrangement I didn't like.
@jannert What is an open marriage? I thought a marriage is just that. Why get married if one is going to have more partners? Or why be in an open relationship when one can just float between partners and not get into a relationship if one is not able to stick to one partner? Is it not that called ''open cheating''? I am just speculating because it is easier to just not commit and do what one desires to and cheating would no longer be? In my views a society must come together to rid of things that make life difficult and painful. Cheating is one of them and this in order to preserve and inspire relationships and marriages to last.
Interesting and thank you for that jannert. The definition of marriage involves two people only. This must br something new introduced to the dictionary and which in my views contradict what a marriage actually means.
Ahh, okay, I get what you mean! The wording has definitely changed, and I can see how, when no other language for it existed, it'd be called "cheating" without any negative connotations. When most folks use the term "cheating" now it refers to someone being deceitful or dishonest, which is where some of the stigma for polyamorous/open relationships comes from. It's wild how words change and evolve like that The actual arrangements vary wildly from couple to couple, so there's not really a hard and fast answer. Just like every person experiences and expresses love differently. In a healthy polyamorous relationship, it comes down to trust and respect of each involved party. There are boundaries which are discussed and agreed upon. For example, some people are in a "closed triad". That is, there are three partners instead of just two. In the triads I've known personally, all three people are involved romantically with one another. Although, sometimes it's two people sharing one mutual partner, and the other two are "metamours," which is to say they're friendly with each other but not romantic partners. In a closed triad (or quad or quint or however many people you've got in there), the relationship stays between the people involved and no one else. It's sorta like a monogamous relationship, but with more people as part of the "couple." An open relationship, on the other hand, usually means that one or both partners are allowed to seek romantic or sexual relationships with other people. These kindsa relationships vary a LOT. Usually, though, there are some kind of rules in place, depending on the people and their comfort and preferences. For example, it may be that two people are allowed to go out and have one-night stands with others, but don't feel comfortable with their partners regularly dating other people. Sometimes there are hierarchies and people will have "primary" and "secondary" partners, and there's a whole lot of schematics involved. There are TONS of resources for polyamorous couples online. I'd recommend also looking into communities and blogs where people share their personal stories on the matter, if you're interested!
