Oh, I see yes, wires and water don't mix entirely well. Unless you wanted a dead character. A sweaty palm, or a missed grab, could also work. I just thought to myself as I was reading it, that holding onto something is fall prevention. So it struck me as a believability issue. I agree about adding flavor. Though I like to think of it as the "unexpected words and phrasing" as opposed to the expected. Unexpected words and phrasing, stimulate more brain activity in the reader and engages them more. It calls up the right brain to help in the interpretation of the line. As opposed to a predictable line, where our right brain is much more on the bench. That's why I thought "form" was a very powerful choice, but only if it was grounded in context. Unexpected words and phrasing, with rooted depth, by way of context or logic, is a powerful thought generator, for the reader. Without the logic or contextual basis, it can have weaker or even opposite affect. My comment was sort of off base from the original question anyway. Your story clip was well done. John
A sweaty palm is a fabulous idea! Because it fits in the context of the scene. Right before then his love interest implies she might leave, and he's terrified until she clarifies that she's not (the woman on the floor). So thanks for that! XD Brilliant advice. I was just reading The Complete Handbook of Novel Writing, a compilation of advice from best-selling authors, and one that struck me was the article on killer-diller details (hammy, I know, but it sticks!). That the best descriptions are not obvious. Only they didn't say why, and you just did. So thanks again for that. Hey thanks. It's just a silly project for fun, but I'm using it as an exercise to improve my writing. The question I posted was more for future situations where the same sentence structure might pop up. And I appreciate that you took time to to offer advice. It was helpful and insightful.
