I have a heroine that is supposed to be incredibly creepy and somewhat evil-neutral or vengeful and very emotional. how do I make them creepy? I made lines for her to say, but people keep saying they're bad. here it is... (the things the guy says are follow ups to the lines) guy: girl...can you describe death? heroine: (says looking down) ...death? a black hole...a black hole on the edge of existence that cannot be escaped...it is nothing...just nothing. guy: is that really what you think? (he looks surprised at this point) heroine: (still looking down) ...think? (looks up suddenly and stutters on her words) I know... it isn't exactly written like that, but that's the basic thing. also, picture a dark environment when you read it. oh, and if you have a creepier description of death, tell me, it's important to the scene. (the scene decides her fate) back to the question...how do I make a female character like described?
I think dialogue can be over-rated. Concentrate less on the words she says, and more on how she says them, especially by showing people's reactions to her, give an idea of her mannerisms, her appearance, give atmosphere with descriptions of the setting...Also, I find creepy people tend to be quite sure of themselves, so I wouldn't have her stutter. Think Wednesday in the Addams Family.
In your bit of dialogue, I think her conversation partner should be acting more freaked out. His reaction sounds like he saw nothing odd in what she said or how she said it - just didn't like the message. That would only make sense if he's really used to her or people like her. A more expected reaction would be something like 'Ookay...' Good example is how people react to Breach from Generator Rex - particularly the Lions and Lambs episode where Rex tries to lure her over to the good side. He's faking a romantic interest in her, so he's trying his best to be nice and friendly to her, but it's obvious that she still really creeps him out.
Show that the things that she does are weird, not just the things she says. She may have found a beautiful butterfly that landed on her porch. so she watches them suffocate in a mason jar and then preserves them, and perhaps hangs them in her home or makes hair pieces. I also think that "emo" behavior (looking down and frowning) is not as weird as someone who is crazy or psychotic. I suppose they can still be quite and crazy, but make what she says count. i.e. guy: What is death? girl: haha, you know what death is, we're all going to do it. I'd like to be there when you die, and watch you slip away. You've got nice eyes for that. I'm going to die. It's like a glorious desert after this crappy meal. guy: wha-? what? girl: you know I can help you with that. guy: help me with what? girl: watching you die. To me, that's creepier than a depressed girl....
Go read creepypasta that are well done and imagine what the heroine would be like if she had gone through those things. How would she act upon death if she had been cursed by a ghost typed missingno or had been chased around by the happy mask salesman? Good luck with your work!
she's not stuttering because she isn't sure of herself, she's stuttering because she envisions her parents' deaths (they were incredibly gruesome) when she says that.
but he is freaked out, in the next few sentences, it describes how he is shocked at what he says because she is the actual person that he was looking for. trust me, it's a really complicated story line.
but she IS depressed because her father was possessed by a demon to kill her mother, light their house on fire, and attempt to kill the girl. the only thing that saved her was help from her best friend and a horse. she DOES get more disturbing and creepy as you described later on when she goes insane with rage, but for now, she is just mentally scarred.
as always SHOW NOT TELL. you don't need her to say anything creepy. you need to SHOW it to us. describe her behaviour, movement etc. but don't be too silly about it. subtetly is the key. real creepiness is something elusive to the character that meets the creepy one. it's this, it's that, can't quite put a finger on it. spine shudders. her eyes are black pits. etc etc etc.
He doesn't seem freaked out in your segment, he seems offended. Like the way a pro-life person would react to someone saying 'a fetus is just a lump of cells'.
I always thought really creepy people were also really intense, like the ones who have no sense of personal space and feel the need to be two inches from your face when they talk to you. Also the ones who mimic your facial expressions when you're talking, like if you're telling them something strange that happened to you and their eyes get really wide or their lips move while you're talking to them... And not looking away at all creeps me out big time for some reason. When I talk to people, I usually look away from their eyes at least once--not because I'm lying or anything but because staring straight into someone's eyes for a prolonged period of time just seems... creepy. lol Edit: And now I just read through the other posts and have a better grasp of what you're aiming for. Maybe it would be creepier if she talked about death and disturbing things as if she was talking about the weather, just very nonchalantly. Talking about things that would make some people uncomfortable might be nothing compared to the horrors she has faced.
Nonchalant is the way to go. The way you pieced it up there just seemed like she's another depressed teenager (and who isn't tired of those?). However, my idea of creepy is a bit like tristan.n's -- intense people that stared for a prolongued amount of time (I stare unblinkingly, for example) and who make no facial expressions at all, would probably serve your story better. These are the same people who smile and you can just tell there's something not quite right about them.
but she isn't a teenager, she's 4 years old in this scene...around the late teenage/adult is when she starts to get very creepy/insane. she's also scary in a way because (and this is a fantasy story where certain people have supernatural powers) she has a certain item that gives her the powers of a god...and she also acts unpredictably, so it kind of makes everybody scared of her... back to the point, though. I just want her child and early teenager self to be creepy or disturbed or somewhere along those lines. like someone who has seen death and many surreal images. i'm rambling, though. i'll just stop typing.
