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  1. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    describing the contrast between shodow and glint

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Sep 7, 2020.

    Hello.

    I decided to describe this picture for practice. I especially want to describe the contrast between the two eyes, one in shadow, the other glinting in sunlight.


    [​IMG]

    Here's how I did it:

    The soft glow of the October sun through the glass dappled her face, one eye in shadow the other glinting in sunlight as she gazed out at the yard. Her mind was not in the room. She was thinking of escape, like the tendrils of hair escaping from her ponytail. But was escape an illusion?

    Please let me know what you think about my description and how you would do it yourself.
     
  2. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Although dapple's a favourite word of mine I'd be wary of using it to describe this picture. It's more as though the sun's cast an elliptical slant of light on the lady's features illuminating part of her brow and left eye. < From there describe her attractiveness, notions of her thinking, of escape, and linking simply to the loose curls that have broke free from her bun.

    n.b. hair's, yes, (I think) tied back in a 'bun' not ponytail ... and the word 'tendrils' (although apt here) is apparently overused in creative writing. :meh:
     
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  3. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Thanks a lot. What do you think about this?

    The soft glow of the October sun cast an elliptical slant of light on the her features, illuminating part of her brow and left eye and leaving the other eye in shadow as she gazed out at the yard. Her mind was not in the room. She was thinking of escape, like the loose wisps of hair broken free from her bun. But was escape an illusion?

    What would you say about her being attractive?
     
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  4. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Yeah, much improved (subjectively speaking and a thousand folk'd describe the image a thousand ways) but, reading back, maybe I'd revise: 'a slant of October sun cast an elliptical spotlight' (my bad). Save the word glow for below.

    For her attractiveness I'd offer maybe just some words for you to consider/assemble.

    radiant
    beguiling
    plump
    olive-skinned
    glow
    warm
     
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  5. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    The soft glow of the October sun ...... on the her beguiling features, illuminating part of her brow and left eye and leaving the other eye in shadow as she gazed out at the yard. Her mind was not in the room. She was thinking of escape, like the loose wisps of hair broken free from her bun. But was escape an illusion?

    I honestly don't know what to say about the sun and her face if "dapple" and "cast" do not work.
     
  6. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Cast does work...by revise I meant revise to—I'd tweaked the sentence.

    re. her beauty... I thought you were going to add or separate that out and make a standalone sentence. Things may become a bit dense if you combine the two.\\]
     
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  7. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    Would you make my day and have a full go at it?
     
  8. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Err, okay. Not my forte. Describing beauty. I usually tend to the dark side. So, to Mills and Boon it:

    Through a small window she gazed, and the sun gazed back—its soft autumnal rays cast an elliptical spotlight on her. Her brow and left eye captured and highlighted for their beauty; yet what remained in shadow equally beguiled. While my attention was on her—transfixed by the radiance—the olive skin, the plump lips—her mind was elsewhere. She was planning escape, her thoughts as wily as the loose wisps of hair that’d broken free of her bun.

    Tell me this is just an exercise, not a piece for your Magnum Opus?
     
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  9. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

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    This is good stuff what you have written.
    I haven't even found the far-flung roots my Magnum Opus yet. I'm a long way away from it.
     
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