1. Shimario

    Shimario Member

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    does this description work?

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by Shimario, Jan 1, 2017.

    On the page this is written, there is a guy that is giving the main character a card which has the organization's insignia on it that the guy works for. I just need to know if the description actually makes sense and the reader can imagine it in their minds.


    He had pulled out a card from his pocket; on the card was the Imperium’s insignia, which was black and was that of a circle that had an inner circle within it, that was white and it had three lines separating the outer circle.
     
  2. X. Sheonn

    X. Sheonn Member

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    Complete honesty. No, it does not. Too many uses of "which was" and commas separating phrases in odd places. It's a little jumbled. Read it carefully. Word by word. Read it out loud, that will help you immensely. Good luck on your story. :D
     
  3. Shimario

    Shimario Member

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    Hows this?

    He had pulled out a card from his pocket; on the card was the Imperium’s insignia. The insignia was a black circle that had an inner circle within it that was white and it had three lines separating the outer circle.
     
  4. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I might suggest finding a way to use the phrase "concentric circles" to simplify this.
     
  5. X. Sheonn

    X. Sheonn Member

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    Hmmm... That's better, but still a little weird. Maybe. "The insignia was a black circle with a smaller white circle inside of it. Three sharp lines separated the circles, making the symbol look bigger." Or something like that. Keep working at it. You'll get it. I have a hard times with describing abstract symbols and facial expressions.
     
  6. Dnaiel

    Dnaiel Senior Member

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    He pulled a card out of his pocket. It was the Imperium's insignia; a black circle with a white inner circle ...

    And that's as far as I could go because I'm not clear how you see the lines. But that's my suggestion to start your description.
     
  7. X. Sheonn

    X. Sheonn Member

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    Oooh, I love the phrase "concentric circles". I never get to use it.
     
  8. Shimario

    Shimario Member

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  9. Dnaiel

    Dnaiel Senior Member

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    , each linked by three short lines...
    ...in triangular position.
    ...at triangular points.
     
  10. Iain Aschendale

    Iain Aschendale Unworthy in the eyes of the LORD Contributor

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    Old fashioned microphone springs to mind.
     
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  11. Dnaiel

    Dnaiel Senior Member

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    Ah yes. The old knuckle head with a hoop suspended with springs. Maybe the Imperium has a recording history.
     
  12. Shimario

    Shimario Member

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    Haha, nah, i just liked the look of it and thought i could use it as an Insignia. Plus there is a reason why i wanted to use it, as it works with my "magic system".
     
  13. Bill Chester

    Bill Chester Active Member

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    an equilateral triangle placed squarely on a circle
    oops, that's the top left diagram
     

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