Discussion in 'By the Genre' started by PrincessSofia, Aug 1, 2015.
To me it sounds more like grief. You know, where the griever sees and hears the dead/missing person everywhere. You are on the street and you swear you see them but alas, it's some random stranger you have just accosted. Plus its a lot of telling. You might want to actually write the scene where she hears this voice. If it was like a flashback of the moment she first heard the voice, you can describe it in a way that shows that it is not just her grief talking.
I don't know what scene you have for the first scene. But this first haunting might actually fit well there. It would be both short and relevant to the rest of the book. It would even be a way to introduce the paranormal element in a more subtle way right from the beginning. Just something to think about.
Thanks, a flashback is a great idea !
How old is she and how long has her mother been missing? It feels like the MC goes back and forth between being a little girl and a young woman. If she is young when her mom goes missing then I don't think she would be out looking for her mom alone. I would add more detail to that, saying that MC and her father or other guardian did this this and this to find her. I would also add in how the other person she was with acted and MCs impression of their mental/emotional stress at the situation.
If she is older then the flashback makes her feel too young. She is a young woman and though things might be scary, she would want to be strong. Instead of:
I would go with:
I had just sat down on the bed when I heard it. A whisper in my ear.
“Eria”, “Eria” I heard calling, as if she was some ethereal creation of my own mind. I froze in fear.
“Mom? " I asked, my voice shivering " Mom, is it you ?”
....and on like that....
As somebody with a mental illness there really is no difference. I ask myself if the paranormal is real everyday or if I'm going insane but in the end whatever is being said/is happening is happening. I suggest just keeping her unsure until it shows it really is paranormal and not her going crazy.
Wow I guess it's very confusing , but it's maybe because I haven't posted the whole scene ( two paragraphs before this , explain how old she is, for how long her mother has been missing etc) she is actually 20 years old and her mother went missing 6 months ago. I wanted to show how emotionally fragile she was at the time, but I guess I'll have to work on that haha. Thanks for the feedback !
Yes I think I'll do that , because otherwise I feel like it would be too "easy" to just say it's the paranormal thing for sure and that's it.
This. It might even make for a nice twist when the reader left unsure and guessing, leaning more to them being convinced it is either a mental illness or some sympton of grief, and then finding out it really is the paranormal after all.
Edit: Oh my..only now did I see this thread is more than a month old!
Have you furthered your story, PrincessSofia? I find this thread interesting, and would love to see how you spun in the advise the others gave.
This belongs in the workshop. If you have a couple critiques of other people's work you should be able to post there.
From the OP:
"I remember the first days, weeks, after her disappearance. At the beginning , I was out in the streets, carrying a photograph and asking everyone if they had seen her. The more no's I'd get, the more broken I'd be. I created a facebook group as well, and seeing no results, I stayed home, refused to go back to college or see my friends. I spent my time waiting by the phone from sunrise to sunset. [Use one or the other my time or sunrise to sunset but not both] I was like a ghost; there, but barely alive. The first month, I would even hear her voice calling me. “Erieanna” “Erieanna” “ Help me”. It may sound crazy, but I was persuaded that she was really there. I didn't know if it was real or if I was going completely mad, and to this day, I still don't know. Hearing my missing mother calling me was scary but comforting at the same time. After a month or so, the voice faded away, and I was left all alone with my sinister thoughts."
Don't worry about how it sounds, the rest of the story will tell the reader that answer. It's stronger without all the words I crossed out.
It's not clear why the thoughts are sinister. I'd leave that out and let the reader discover that somewhere else in the story where it made more sense.
Haha yes it's an old thread, I am actually almost done with my novel . I have managed to drop a few paranormal elements here and there and then as the story progressed it's like full-on paranormal so I don't really worry about this particular scene .
Awesome! When reading this I actually thought that would be the most interesting way to go.
Well, I guess all I can say now is good luck with finishing the novel and the publishing.
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