In celebration of his upcoming 1000th post to Writing Forums, I have obtained an interview with @matwoolf INTERVIEW: What was it like to climb to the top of the "spoken word" spoof erotica genre, and do you find it lonely at the top? Nice to talk to you, Mr Iff. Mine was the briefest sniff of parochial fame. Stood under spotlight, I narrated my collection, my stories in my voice. When the clapping stopped, a lot of people liked me: very disconcerting. I went home. Currently, I have stopped being famous for a little while, going for a reclusive decade of penury for art’s sake, and very lonely on my bottom, rung. Much of your recent work has been inspired by work on the chicken farm. What was it like to collaborate with the chickens, and do they fit the persona that the public has in their minds of them? No, no, no. It is a harsh environment, the farm, no place for softies. But then after a couple of weeks in post, I thought, well there is me, there are three other men, and 100 000 chickens, why not lighten the mood for the team, engender positivity? My teeth shine, I like being a farmer, one day will own a cow. If anything, the chickens represent the wider audience, the world. Chickens are stupid, people say. Chickens are not stupid, only ignorant and fluffy. You kiss a pullet on her beak, she pecks you in the eye. This is my metaphor. There's been talk of feature-length film adaptations of your work. Does it concern you that artistic integrity might not be preserved? No, this will never happen. Jim Carey shall not play me. I am lost to humankind. There's been controversy over whether your writing is meant for entertainment or whether there is indeed a message. Could you clarify for our readers? No, I cannot clarify on this matter, I am dreadfully modest as JP Sartre. If writing didn't exist, what do you see yourself doing? Nothing, I failed. I am forty-five, sonny, a step away from coffin. Oh, I like seawater, y’know. Have you had any fan encounters that took you by surprise? You mean the ladies at the Brighton Arts club? Or the Open University groupies? Many of our readers have written wondering what Mat watches on TV. What do you have for them? Maybe ‘Rawlinson’s End.’ Some guy said my writing was like ‘Rawlinson’s End, Viv Stanshall.’ I watched it, was a bit depressed about that. I like radio stuff because I am old. What advice could you give for budding authors? Do: Shun formatting. Narrate in your pretty voice. Probably best to get out the house, find scene, rather than twist up on some fantasy novel nobody will read, unless you enjoy this kind of thing. What can we expect from here, what does the future hold? The tiny chap book. A single obsessive fan visits my grave, hawks collection ‘Mat’s Writing.’ This Mister Boswell figure is my reputation’s making. The writing finally becomes popular in Denmark or Uruguay, the year 2070. They make an arthouse production, this transfers to Hollywood, my descendants become fat. Inquiries regarding opportunities to have Mat attend weddings, job interviews, and circumcisions, for a small nominal fee, should be made to his agent proper.