That's interesting. I mean, I don't know what all that stuff about the sock and the crying was about, but if I do a second sex scene (and it's become apparent that my 2,700 word "short story" outline is never going to flesh out to anything short of novelette, maybe even novella length, so I might as well have it if it fits), then it would make sense for him to get a little more rough as time goes by, more domineering. I don't know about a war-cry, but maybe holding her down by the wrists in a way that frightens her, pounding too hard, that sort of thing. It might easily be part of his reaction to her acting more and more distant as she becomes suspicious. I'll give it some thought. I hadn't planned on including much sex in this one.
I think we're on slightly different tangents - I was thinking more along the lines of... ...this is their first experience of sex, losing their virginity. I'm not really into the 'bashing' stuff - but I suppose so far dark/horror writing...could be terrifying & gripping [no pun].
I was pretty sure that wasn't exactly what you meant, but it gave me an idea for the back-burner, nothing rape-y, mind you, just aggressive. (Again, I don't think there will be much sex on the page, so probably not.) Anyway, yes, I think we're having a cultural communication issue. I reread your first, and I still don't understand. Do a lot of men run to the bathroom and cry the first time? Maybe you could define "war-cry" for me in this context, because I immediately thought of two things: either something very silly, like "Touchdown!" or "Fire in the hole!" or something frightening like the sort of yell one might make in battle when charging the cannons. I don't think he would do either, but that's probably not what you meant.
So I woke up to this. I think 'every reader' would enjoy the premise of futuresoc where we purchase a bottle/vial and it wipes the record and you 'go again.' And then the twist upon the theme where actually she's been spiked and he's a villain... All that sock business was in reference to those first fumbles in adolescence - where I cobbled together the worst case anecdotes of 'friends.' Because everything including sex is new to them... ... The other problem is your chapter one. How do you avoid, skip the/not write the - sunlight streamed through the shutters, where upon the bed two bodies wreathed in the dawn's silhouette arose and fell like hills of the Low countries during a major construction project or similar...because as you might know and I believe and adhere passionately to the ruling that says morning openers are proscribed in all modern literature.
You make a good point, but in short, I avoid it by not writing it. It's going to be intimate third person limited, so there's no sunshine through the window on two bodies etc. She gasps awake in the first sentence. Though I've been thinking more and more that I should open with a snippet of the nightmare she's having. Just a morsel of terror to start the mood off right, something you might even forget, or at least shake off emotionally, just in time for things turn really bad. Maybe that's ambitious thinking. I guess we'll see what I can pull off atmosphere-wise.
It's up. God help me. If you'd like to read the outline, it's under Short Stories, Sci-Fi in the Writing Workshop.
