I haven't written in a while. Not that i didn't have anything to write about, it's just that everytime I want to write about my father I immediately start crying. People say that writing about someone who gave you such a heartache is part of the healing process, whatever that means, still I tend to over analyze things just to have an excuse for pain. But I am in pain, my mom's in pain, my brother's in pain, everyone's in pain, cause dad left the house 3 months ago. The funny thing is that you'd think that a 26 year old would act as an adult and not cry about these sorts of things, but when you wake up to a nightmare one morning, something in you bursts. Dad's gone! he may never come back, and now I am in this big house with mom, i hear her cry, I hear her scream, I her her slipping away, and praying to walk up from this dream. 30 years of marrige..man! 30 years! In times like this, Nana used to come to our rescue, but she past away 5 years ago, and the sadness of her not being here in this sad time for my mom makes the whole thing look bigger and scarier. I used to wait for the holidays, all the family is coming, everyone's gathering around a table full of amazing food that my mom prepared. Dad's coming from the synagogue, we all dress in white, and that feeling of togetherness, is just something that a heart can explode from joy. Now, the table is empty, mom lights cadles and prayes more often, the family is falling apart and I can not do anything to stop it. something in me hates my father, but something in me has to understand it and live with it. but it's impossible when you're watching mom cries every night and every day. Oh Father.....you broke our hearts!
Well, I'm sorry to hear that. But I suggest you keep writing. It's an amazing way way to deal with pain and release emotions, no matter how good you think you are.
After such a traumatic experience 3 months seems too short a time to be able to write about it without getting upset. Your feelings, understandably, are still very raw. All I can tell you is what you already know 'time is a great healer'. My husband died 15yrs ago from a massive heart attack, there was no warning one second he was there the next second he had gone. At that time my youngest daughter had just had her 13th birthday 5days before. To make matters worse he died on 18th June 1995 (fathers' day) how's that for timing?. At that time I felt inside as if I was breaking up into a million pieces. But I knew that, for the sake of my children, I had to be strong and face the world with a brave face. Just like you are going to have to be strong for your mother and siblings. The best thing to do is to try and keep everything as near normal as possible. Get out of bed at your regular time (even if you have to drag yourself out) Regular meal times, don't forget to walk the dog - that's very therapeutic. when my husband died our staffordshire bull terrier was getting walked at least ten times a day between me and my four children. What I'm trying to say is that you will come through this, we did. it takes time but, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep your chin up and you'll get there. Kind regards to you and your mum. Trilby
Don't force yourself to write about something you aren't ready to deal with. Working through every day can be hard enough without dwelling on the pain and event themselves. At the same time, don't abstain from writing because it might be too painful to the point where you find your pens coated with a thick layer of dust. Instead of writing nonfiction, why don't you try your hand at a short story? Sometimes using the same emotions with different circumstances can help you begin to process what has happened in your own life. Or write about something completely different. You can still write without writing about your father. I'm sorry to hear about your family troubles and how it has taken a toll on your writing. You are not alone in that respect, and it is something many of us must work through.
my darlings, your words touched me so deep. thank you for sharing this with me. I beileve that I will find the solace I need here with all of you. I'm glad I joined this nice place. Shalom from the Holy land
i'm so sorry to hear of your loss and troubles, natalya... i've been a single mother of 5 and after a second marriage became unbearable, the last 2 of my 7 children, and i learned the hard way that all that really should matter to a mother is her children and letting them know that she will always be there for them... they must come first, last, and always, not a husband... please don't hesitate to email me if i can be of any help to either you or your mom with a loving, caring shoulder and ear, plus words and advice gained from too much experience in such matters, sad to say... my heart goes out to you and i am with you all in spirit... love and hugs, maia maia3maia@hotmail.com
