Recently discovered my current favourite insult through British grime lyrics. Speng - 'An idiot, dumbass fool etc.' "You're such a speng."
Sometimes people will drone on and on about their children, which normally is is fine in small doses because I had (5) myself, so I will often quip, "I love children too, slice them thin and dip them in mint jelly and they taste just like lamb." It is tongue in cheek hyperbole of course, but gets some funny reactions!
"A shiver ran along the benches: looking for a spine to run up!" An insult made by a Scottish man in a documentary regarding the "Stone of Destiny".
I once heard someone refer to someone else as a "Dry lunch" When I asked why that? He said, "can you think of anything worse." I've used it since.
"I'm sorry, I don't speak dumbass" "I'm not a mirror. Whoops! I forgot you broke yours by looking at it"
That first one is right in line with sneezing after someone says something and then saying "sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." Courtesy of Will Smith's writers from I, Robot. I still laugh at it even thoughi know it's coming.
ill come back and post as i remember them lmao but heres one i used in a dnd game a smart character to a character or npc that said something stupid. "Ah sounds like your world is flat too."
From one of my favorite movies Fried Green Tomatoes: "You gump-face, blown-up, baboon-assed bastard!"
"Are you a professional idiot, or just a gifted amateur?" Is a useful one for daily use That, and... "Ah great, who put 50p in the dickhead?"
My mum once asked me if her raincoat made her look fat... Me: Pass. Mum: That bad? Me: You look like a leopard skin potato.
A great one from the great Dorothy Parker. In her role as Constant Reader, a reviewer for a magazine whose name I can't recall, she gave two great short reviews: "This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force." On a children's book that she found excessively cloying: "Tonstant Weader frowed up."
And a couple of my favorites, gleaned from God knows where: "He don't have the class of a one-room schoolhouse." "It looked like she fell out of a ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
I thought that was a line from Groucho Marx while also attributed to Dorothy Parker, but apparently it was coined by Sid Ziff of the LA Mirror News as late as 1960 and then incorrectly attributed to Dorothy Parker (maybe confused with earlier quotes about books worth being thrown at cats or out windows, see below) in a 1962 quote book by Bennett Cerf. In 1975 it was then shifted to Marx by columnist Earl Wilson. A real quote from Parker would be: "I’m much better now, in fact, than I was when we started. I wish you could have heard that pretty crash “Beauty and the Beast” made when, with one sweeping, liquid gesture, I tossed it out of my twelfth-story window." And: "The best book to throw at a cat — “Smithsonian Physical Tables,” be sure you get the eighth revised edition."
Thanks for the correction. Let us raise a glass to Sid Ziff the next time we encounter a book that should be hurled with great force. (The last one I met up with was one of Ann Coulter's screeds.) Which reminds me: At a Friends of the Library book sale, I saw an Ann Coulter book shelved right next to a Molly Ivins book. I'm surprised they didn't spontaneously combust.
I used to keep my copy of Industrial Society and Its Future next to The Turner Diaries. Not exactly opposed, but definitely non-coplanar.
Mark Twain was a master of the insult. Of one person, he said "I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a very nice letter to the family saying that I approved of it."
Double edged Insults at best... [Strong Language] Wife came home in a flood of tears. Her boss had ripped her a new one. She, totally broken and down beat says to me... “I feel totally worthless. Please tell me something I’m good at?” “Well dearest, you’re a better fcuk than your sister!” I replied instantly. Although my answer was honest and true, it didn’t quite have the uplifting reaction I was expecting. It did indeed cost me a new Coach Handbag, and a couple of nights on the sofa with the dog. After some contemplation I realised the error of my ways. Needing to win her back and give her the opportunity of lifting her ego, I gave her the perfect platform to strike back. “My dearest wife, I’m so sorry for making you more miserable than you already were. Please don’t hold back, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time…?” She hums and arghs, grins pursing lips touching them with her index finger. “Well dearest Husband, I’m not sure I should say…” she giggled “No-no dear Wife you deserve your revenge for my insult. I can take anything you have to say...” “Well dear Husband, you do have the largest cock of all your mates…” she replied.
