I don't know who would read it that way, but the fact is, they aren't four separate sentences. There is only one thought being expressed. No amplification, no explanation. Just one immediate thought.
It's tough, I use far too many full stops when I write because I'm trying to translate my thoughts to a reader, but when others do it it frustrates me because it often breaks the flow. I need to adapt
I'm not here to side with anyone (okay, everyone sides with someone, but you know what I mean), but I understand the way @cutecat22 wrote the sentence, because I use that sort of voice when I get annoyed with my sister. Using ellipses or having it as one flowing sentence does not give the desired effect. However, whether any publisher would accept that and allow it is another issue...
That's the thing with dialogue. There are differences in the way people speak depending on their situation/mood/what's happening around them while they are speaking. Had the words not been part of the 13 year old characters dialogue while her elder brother was sat on the backs of her legs, holding her down and slapping the side of her head, then I wouldn't have written them the way I did.
Thanks Ginger. Your revision is better, but try reading that out loud to yourself. Four comma-less/semicolon-less sentences in row pushes it close to impotent territory, IMHO. It's something I always struggle in--the reason it was so long to begin with is because I wanted a contrast with the last sentence, almost as a kind of punctuation: blabla, blabla bla bla, bla blab bla. Lovely. It's all experimental, though. Also, he only he hears his pocket watch when he stops digging; I'm not sure if that's clear anymore with those first two sentences. I see your point about it being a blathery sentence that tries to get too many points across (especially for an intro). It's just something that needs more work. I've copied your rendering and tucked it right into the scene, so it's there to analyze while I edit later. I fell in love with Scientist Brin from just that paragraph.
One thing to remember when editing is that changing the sentence, even just a little, can change the entire meaning of the sentence. I'm going to use part of @Okon's first sentence as an example. If we change this to you'll see that the meaning changes completely. In the first example, the inclusion of "as" suggests that the two things were happening at the same time. Also, the fact that he was reminded of something may be important for the reader to know. These may be insignificant details to some readers, but they matter a lot to me. There are many ways to write a passage, but they'll all mean different things or emphasize different things. It's necessary to keep this in mind.
@thirdwind: Of course, and in these cases we don't always know the intent of the author. There are changes that you can make to further revise it. I see what you were doing with the 'as he paused' and that wasn't apparent to me before. In that case, I'd keep the 'As' but change 'was reminded' to a different configuration that makes it more clear the silence allowed the sound to come through. You know that, but I, as the reader, didn't. @thirdwind's change is an example that works, and there will be more than one choice. The reason for taking "sticky" out was sentence cadence. Tommy Tocker, sticky sweat, dust-caked brow: It just read better to me to break that cadence up by taking 'sticky' out. Hooray! And thank you for the compliment.
While we are at it, here are some other potential versions of @Okon 's line: Tommy Tocker's watch had something to say every second, unlike the people he was digging holes for. He put it back in his pocket and wiped the sweat and dust off his brow. Tommy Tocker's watch had something to say every second, unlike people the holes were meant for. He put it back in his pocket, wiped the sweat and dust off his brow, and continued digging. Tommy Tocker's watch had something to say every second, unlike people the holes were meant for. He put it back in his pocket, wiped the sweat and dust off his brow, and picked up his shovel.
You could write a thousand amazing sentences (you seem good at it), but cohesiveness matters more: You directly compared the watch's 'speaking' frequency with that of people--basically saying that people should have something to say every second as well. It removes impact along with the absolute, meaning the people he is digging holes for might not be dead, but just gagged, or not very chatty. I'm going to agonize over the beginning paragraph when my draft is finished. It will probably end up very similar to the original, just because it's more important those elements fit together properly. Or I might change it entirely, because I am thoroughly sick of reading it. Edit: Didn't mean to sound so counter-critique. I always love input, it's just that the joust is over and the horse's head has long since been swiftly removed. Like @thirdwind says, sentences are worded the way they are for many important reasons. No one here has any context.
From my first novel, tentatively titled "The Portal": “Mr. Newell?” Chris looked up from staring at his hands. He had not really been looking at them. Well, he had been looking at them, but he had not been seeing them. From my second novel, currently a WIP "The Strong One": Her skin glistened with a dew-like coating of sweat. Her breaths came quickly; her heart was still pounding. She loosened her grip on the ornamental tubing of the headboard and leaned back slightly. Though it was not particularly hot in the bedroom, she felt as if she would melt if she did not soon get off Wade's body beneath her. Her breathing slowed, and she moved to rise from him.
"Worker Three Thirteen, you don’t need a sonic charge set.” The provider arranged order cards behind thick dirty glass.
By the Wayside: William Rose lived forever. Song of the Silver Fox: Layla West did not believe in magic. Down Came the Rain: Erica's heart stopped. Where the Trees Grow Sideways: Eli knew They were watching him. ...So apparently I like to really zoom in on a character right away.
Rest in peace? If he'd known the afterlife was like this before he died, Finn wouldn't have wasted so much time on faith. (unfinished work from April's Camp NaNoWriMo) A new day was here and a friendly, fuzzy puppy sat squished in a cage much too small for his size. (Book 1 of a children's picture book series) The phone rang to voicemail for the fifth time that Father's Day. For a person whose sentiments are valued by cards and phone calls, my dad sure didn't seem interested in receiving mine. (current opening of memoir)
Everything cannot be explained in the first line of a novel. If a reader hasn't read the previous novel in the series, they'd have to get to the third paragraph in the first chapter where the answer would begin to come into better focus. Or, from a portion of the back of the book description: Young Enchantress Thereese lays stricken and silent, her vital essence sapped by the Shard Staff, and she edges ever closer toward death. Supreme Enchantress Thulease refuses to allow her daughter to fade beyond recovery.
This is my first paragraph. It's first draft and very likely to change: Athan watched from his high rock. That west wind that stirred the hair before his eyes held a gyrfalcon poised over the sun, hovering, far to the south. To the east, tundra, moss, and the caribou grounds. To the west, the small trees and the river. Below, the cracked granite sloped down, gentling, warming, until the scree started, and below that, earth, and there at the foot of the mountain there were the pillars that marked the road. Athan was finally out the the cold Keller Pass, and this mile of barren rock was the last of the southern flank of the Ice Range. This was where the other world began.
@minstrel: I might edit it a tad and you have an extra "there" in one sentence. (I do that all the time, I'd bet we write and edit in a similar way.) But I like it. Also, @Okon, don't take my critique to mean I didn't like your opening. I did. @TWErvin2, I like your description, 'between unconscious and dying'. It's how a writer writes. @Wreybies, your work is so intriguing. @Duchess-Yukine-Suoh, I love this thread and the rest of the opening lines.
Thanks! And thanks for pointing out the extra "there." I checked the original - it's just a transcription error. I'm wondering whether I should do a quick revision and post a new version here, but I don't think I will. Not yet, anyway; I'm into other work at the moment.
