New York Times best selling author and all around awesome guy John Green once said the phrase "I make up metaphors for a living." This made me wonder what other sentences you could come up with to describe various occupations. I've decided to limit it to / focus on descriptions that reveal or give the impression of the jobs being easy, lazy, strange etc. The funnier, or more honest or ridiculous, the better. Let me explain further with some examples: Actor - My job is to pretend. Athlete - I do arbitrarily specified physical tasks of no direct value as best as I can in exchange for money. Author - I'm in charge of deciding the pattern in which symbols are imprinted on thin sheets of wood. Magician - I do things that give off the impression I didn't do them the way I did although we all know I didn't do it the way it looks like it was. Politician - I tell people what my opinions are to hopefully be able to act based on those opinions, like everyone does, expect my opinions affect more people and I've made a living out of it. Teacher - I learn things so that I can decide what others should learn and so they don't have to learn it by themselves, by telling them what they should learn and then make sure they learn it, regardless of whether or not they want to learn it or will have any use for the information I give them.
Garbage man: I collect garbage. Professional Wrestler: I run around in tights, pretending to fight other men in tights, and make silly faces when they pretend to hit me. Televangelist: I dance and sing and pray to the lord that you'll believe that I believe what you believe.
Brewer: I make a product that puts people to sleep. Pharmacist: I sell products that put people to sleep. Mattress maker: I make products on which people sleep. Boring art film producer: I produce products that put people to sleep. Boring art novelist: I write books that put people to sleep. Poet: I write verses that put people to sleep. Folksinger: I sing songs that put people to sleep. Anesthesiologist: I put people to sleep. Economics Professor: I put people to sleep. Ben Stein: I put people to sleep. Sandman: I put people to sleep. Edgar Cayce: I am asleep. Somnus: I am sleep. Rooster: I wake people up. Clearly, sleep is highly valued. Being awake isn't. Yawn.
Oh my, I completely forgot it's like 8:20 AM where you are huh? My day is really just ending, with it being almost 12:30. Time to sleep. @minstrel Sleeping is far more valuable than waking up, what other state is so freeing for the soul and imagination??? Sheesh, you'd think a writer would know this. good call mentioning Edgar Cayce ha ha. Programmer: I spend numerous, senseless hours talking to machines in made up languages. Surgeon: You pay me to cut you up. Writer: I repeatedly convince myself into thinking people care what I have to say. Janitor: I get paid to do what my did for free... (note: Mom's are no one's janitors or maids lol)
Unnecessary Security Guard: i do nothing but inconvenience you, i appear to do nothing and excel at looking busy. I am power.
Car Salesman: I sell boxes of both attractive and unattractive metal which cause 1.27 million deaths each year.
Programmer: I spend 12 hours a day replacing instructions written by another programmer that produce unintended behaviour with my own instructions which produce a different set of unintended behaviours.
CEO: I get paid inordinate amounts of money for work that other people do Theoretical Physics Professor: I tell you about ideas people have about the universe that may or may not be true. I also get paid to do it.
Astronaut: I float around and stare at the stars. Thank you for your millions in tax dollars. Police officer: I am a connoisseur of fine donuts. That hole in the middle of them? That was my fine shooting. Hockey player: I strike fear into the hearts of all dentists. Dog walker: I get paid for going on healthy walks. Picking up all that poo really works the quads. Pest control: If the bed bugs don't sicken you our chemicals will.
Wedding photographer: I take pictures of you and then sell them to, um, you. As if you don't know what you look like. Male porn star: You pay me to make you feel hopelessly sexually inadequate. Rock drummer: I hit things until your ears bleed. And you love it.
Prostitute : I make people feel ways for money. Artist : I make people feel ways for money, with more variety! Druggist : Wowzie! I make people feel in ways that it's normally impossible to feel! Weeeeeeeeeee! eeeeeeeeeeeee crash. Doctor : I advise life itself. Mime : I advise life itself.
Nurse: Your life is actually more in my hands than in the doctors' but that doesn't mean I get paid anywhere near as much as them. Housekeeper: I know all your little secrets, dirty and otherwise. Gardener: Your children stay with you for many years, but mine are only with me during the days of spring and summer.
Dentist: I am legally allowed to torture you. Shove my fingers, pointy shit, and miniature power tools in your mouth and then ask you questions. And in the end I expect you to pay me a large sum of money for it.
Truck driver: I drive to work so i can drive things to your work, then drive back to mine so i can drive back home and repeat the next day Banker: i charge you money to put your money in my safe and give it to other people in exchange for giving you back more of their money than i gave them of yours Barber: i cut the million of small horns growing from your head on a regular basis Taxi driver: i charge people to ride in my car and listen to terrible music while i drive them places Cowboy: i ride a large, quadrupedal herbivore around other large, quadrupedal herbivores to show keep an eye on those large, quadrupedal herbivores until i can sell them to buy more large quadrupedal herbivores.
Writer: I bust my ass to try and entertain with my ability of words. Your pursuit of perfection on either side makes you look like an ass as you judge my talents (or lack there of).
Seismologist: No, we can't predict earthquakes. No, the number of earthquakes is not rising. Honestly people, go to a soothsayer! They are far better suited to give you answers in microseconds and millimeters. At least with them you know that they know that you know that they know nothing.
