Getting close, but there's a plot fail. Help!

I've written about this short story before. I've had a complete draft for a few months now, and I've submitted it a few places. It has come close to selling--I've received personalized rejections from editors saying they like it except for this one particular thing. Last time I got rejections like that, I fixed the "one particular thing" and sold the story on the next submission.

Problem is, fixing the "one particular thing" in this case has left me teetering between minor tweaks (probably not enough) and substantive changes that will require substantial rewriting of parts of the story that are already OK.

Here's a minimal rundown of the plot, which some of you have seen before:

Sister A--strong, outgoing, captivated by her people's past glory.
Sister B--meek, shy, loves her sister but lives in the present, not the past.

Sister A is going to perform a ritual to try to bring back some of the powers of the old world that her people once worshiped. Sister B isn't too concerned because it seems like nonsense, until something happens that makes it a real possibility.

Sister B tries to an extent to talk her sister out of it, but she's really not great at confrontation and doesn't do a good job of it. She decides, instead, to take action that avoids direct confrontation--she slips her sister something that doesn't pose serious harm to Sister A, but will make her sick for a while. Did I mention the window for performing the ritual is short? No? Well, it is. Sister B figures Sister A will be too sick to perform the ritual, and at least the problem will be delayed for a year.

Problem is, Sister A is stubborn and goes forward anyway, but because she's not at her full capacity the ritual has now become even more dangerous.

From there the story goes to climax and resolution.

What the editor has said is that Sister B slipping something to Sister A seems too contrived. Sister B gets the material from an herbalist who appears earlier in the story, but it's true that I don't really set up this particular substance, or even the possibility of it and I think that's the problem. It's a short story and I was already pushing the word count.

Possible solutions:

1. Set up the herbs better, so it doesn't seem to come out of nowhere.
2. Sister B does something else altogether to try to interrupt the ritual. I don't yet know what that might be.

If it is #2, the requirements for that "something else altogether" are that it has to be something that Sister B doesn't anticipate putting Sister A in real danger, but ends up putting Sister A in real danger.

What do you all think? And, more generally, how do you address something that seems contrived? Is it enough to establish the element early and then come back to it?

 

I may be wrong, because I haven't read any of this, but the reason it might seem contrived is that Sister B seems like they're supposed to be a "good" guy. Whereas sneakily poisoning someone is kinda shady, especially when it's done to a family member. It may not feel contrived because the herbalist isn't set up properly, but because it comes out of left field character-wise.

 

That's possible as well. I've tried to set it up so that she more or less panics (she's very anxious) and can't think of anything else to do, but it may not be enough to may it seem consistent with her character, which, yes, is essentially very good.

I'll have to think about this. Thank you.

 

Could you make her the herbal practitioner, instead of having her go to one? You could even have her taking great care to calculate a patient's dose. (Thus setting up Chekov's Overdose.)

 

I dunno, 'taking great care' and 'panic' seem like contradictory concepts to me. Panic may last a while, but having it last long enough to seek out an herbalist and acquire a potion, or even make it herself, seems like a bit of a stretch. Maybe if she got the potion before hand, or maybe she thought it would have another effect, but just accidentally made her sister sick and weak.

 

Sorry, I wasn’t assuming panic in my scenario. I was assuming that she has lots of experience and can calculate a disabling but not dangerous dose, and that she does just that.

 

Is Sister A going to suspect what Sister B has done? If not, why not?

That might be a way to re-jig your thinking on this issue—at least on how the substance was administered. If A doesn't suspect her sister, that must mean B hasn't done anything that looks out of the ordinary. Nothing like, 'Here, sister, try this new cocktail...'

Why not set it up that Sister B EXPECTS to use the herb—long beforehand? She takes her sister's plan as a serious possibility, and does NOT dismiss the idea of the ritual as nonsense. (B may appear to do this as far as her sister A is concerned, but we readers know B is really worried.) Let the reader know right away what B is planning. She knows A very well indeed, and must know that her confident and motivated sister is VERY likely to go for the ritual. So B takes immediate steps to thwart that plan.

We believe (as B does) that Sister A will take the substance and merely fall asleep. Sister B knows A will be furious when she wakes up and realises what has happened, but Sister B is willing to risk her sister's wrath to do what is best for the common good. We are led to believe that this will be the crux of the story—the breakdown of relations between the two of them.

B might be weak and shy, but allowing her to be proactive—rather than having her resort to foolish-looking panic at the last minute—will make her a more interesting and more likeable character. Weak, shy people avoid confrontation, but that doesn't mean they don't work and plan behind the scenes to get what they want.

However, what the reader won't expect is that Sister A WON'T fall asleep. Instead, she will carry on with the ritual, and screw it up because she's not in tiptop shape. That's where B's panic should set in, not before this all starts. And that's a great twist to the story.

I think if you build into the story that Sister B is determined not to let anything bad happen, we can accept her as being good, without the acquisition of the herb looking circumstantial or its administration look like last-minute panic. She acquires the herb deliberately, long before it's time for the ritual, thinking she can at least prevent her sister from creating a bad situation. The reader is prepared, and expecting this to happen.

However, the reader is NOT prepared for the scheme to go so badly awry.

 

Thanks guys. This has been extremely helpful.

@ChickenFreak -- making Sister B experienced with herbs could work very well. That'll let me get rid of a scene, and hopefully will help with word count, though of course I'll have to add more. There's already a bit of set up in this. The children's dad works the night shift at a factory. Sister B makes him breakfast when he gets home every morning, before he goes to bed. Maybe I can establish that she uses herbs to sometimes help her dad sleep. That will establish her knowledge, and I can build on it.

@jannert -- it's a good idea that the herbs don't work as planned. The ritual is dangerous. Sister B is worried her sister will be hurt or even killed from it. So when her herbs don't work as planned and Sister A decides to go ahead, Sister B would really start to freak out, and that plays into how the story ends. Sister B is kind. The climax of the story is when she is faced with a choice between the world continuing the ways she wants it, or having to save her Sister and thereby bringing about Sister A's undesirable goals. Sister B chooses her sister over her own desires.

@The Dapper Hooligan -- you're right in that Sister B wouldn't panic initially. She knows what she's doing. I'll have to throw a wrench in somehow, so things don't go as she's planned. Once that's happened, she will panic. She's a very anxious, worried sort of person already, whereas Sister A is assertive, confident, and single-minded.

This will take a bit more restructuring than initially planned, but I think it will be worth it. I knew the plot points with the herbalist was the weak point already, I was just having a hard time coming up with something. I'd already written the beginning and end of the story, but the middle was kicking my ass and that's the part the editor didn't like.

Thank you, all. This has spawned a helpful new direction and gives some more depth to Sister B's character at the same time.

 

Oh, and @The Dapper Hooligan -- I certainly want Sister B to be seen as a good person. She's not above making a mistake, especially when she gets worried and starts to panic about options, but nothing from her is done with malice. She's sort of a peacemaker type and the core of the family as between the other sister and their dad. Their mother passed away when they were even younger and Sister B stepped into that role in the family.

Although Sister A is the headstrong and assertive one, Sister B is the protagonist of this story.

 

Yeah, I looked for the other thread but didn't see it. I think I was more focused on how to make the old woman work as the herbalist and tie that into the resolution, but it is clear now that that whole plot line is better off scrapped.

 

Do the sister's live together?
If they live together, taking it in turns to cook means "slip something to sister" is much easier - also if you live with your sister, you know their reactions to certain foods.
You can even foreshadow it with the two of them out at a restaurant and "My sister is allergic to parsnips, can you promise me that none of the roast veges are parsnips"

Do they have a cottage garden? green potato skins, Belladonna berries etc - all good for mild poisoning

 

I think your B character needs more depth. I've grown up being shy (really it's social anxiety) As someone who has been shy and seen as meek her whole life, I tell you I actually have a very strong personality. I just don't like others to see it.
B character might do things like sneak into CH. A to take needed ritual items in the hopes of delaying the ritual, or talking to other people in their circle to get them to convince her the ritual is a bad idea.

Shy people can also be manipulative. They get other people to talk to and/or do things for them.