How close is too close: some advice please!

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Cosmos, Apr 28, 2010.

  1. Cosmos

    Cosmos New Member

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    First I would like to say thank you to all of you for your diverse opinions/suggestions/comments. They’ve given me a round view of the situation and that’s helped me immensely. I’ve talked to my boyfriend and it was quite intense and quite painful. I won’t go into too many details as it is a private matter, but as of right now I’m taking a break from him to get my head around what he has said, and what I have learned.

    Mamma, thank you. Certainly if I need it I will contact you.

    I appreciate all your comments, but feel it best just to reply to the ones I have information on. The responses I’ve gotten here are remarkable, and truly appreciate it. Also, sorry for the very long post.

    That, above all, is what’s distressing me. If he’d been upfront about how close they were I wouldn’t have been nearly as upset, but hiding it the way he did, really hurts me.

    I do disagree here. Yes we should be able to read each other’s emails, but the problem wasn’t that I read them, but that I didn’t get his permission. I know I would be angry was it the other way around.

    That I do wonder. Is he trying to bring this to light so we can face it or was he just that careless?

    It is possible, but just not logical in my opinion. Maybe I’m a different person but unless you’re immediate close family or my boyfriend I just don’t say those sorts of things. I wouldn’t want to give someone the wrong idea, after all.

    That, in relation to the above. Platonic or not, it’s just something I wouldn’t be comfortable with at all. Having female friends is one thing; having female friends you call “my lady” and “love forever” to, is not. And even such things were acceptable (and they’re not to me) why wouldn’t have said as such to me while he and I were such close friends? He claimed multiple times I was the closest person to him, yet I got “my lady” once or twice and the rest, never, not until we dated.

    I did hear about her briefly once or twice, but at no point did he say anything like “we’re really very close” or “I’ve told her I loved her, platonically of course” or anything of that nature. My impression was that she was an acquaintance. As I said above that hurts the most since I routinely ask him about his relationships, and this one came totally left-field at me.

    I don’t know but the comments you make sound so over the top there’s no mistaking them. But “I love you”? That one really isn’t over the top—it’s pretty plain in my opinion. That said, perhaps in his eyes that “I love you” is actually quite mundane, and not to be taken differently. But then that makes me wonder when he says “I love you” to me that he isn’t blowing smoke up his ass. Maybe I’m just a really close friend too. The thought of that hurts pretty badly too.

    Exactly. And I don’t say such things to my close male friends. I tell them they “mean a lot” and “I care for you” and stuff like that, but the word love never ends up in it and the moment they tell me they love me I shut it down right then, right there. I want no confusion for them and no discourtesy to my boyfriend. I wouldn’t feel right stringing anyone along or taking that intimacy away from my boyfriend to them.

    I guess my expectations of relationship rules were vastly different from his’. I thought it was a given but I guess it’s not.

    This. I’m not comfortable with it, and if it is acceptable I should be able to damn well do it too. Thing is I don’t want to. I want to share that kind of intimate emotions with only him and to have him share them only with me, but I fear that that’s not what he wants.

    Funny how I asked him for a non-exclusive relationship and he refuses and goes off and has one anyways. I respected his wishes, but he has not respected mine, at least he was too ignorant to understand what those were.

    I still love him, very much so, but I need some time to process all this. Maybe we’ll make it work, maybe not, but either way again all your help is appreciated.
     
  2. LordKyleOfEarth

    LordKyleOfEarth Contributor Contributor

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    Sorry to hear things went down the way they did. We are here if you ever need us.

    FWIW, I have female friends who I tell I love all the time. I have an ex (who lives on another continent) to whom I sign my letters, "Lotsa of love", I have a female co-worker who tells me she loves me every day, and I tell her I'm going to marry her as soon as my girlfriend leaves me.

    All of it is platonic love.

    Do I love these people? With out a doubt. Would I ever cheat on my girlfriend with one of them? Never. Regardless of how things went down in the past, or the things I say now, my girlfriend is the woman I have chosen to spend my life with. I chose her, not them, and there is no magical combination of 'love' words that can change that.

    Then again I'm not a jealous person. At all. So I have a hard time understanding points based on jealousy. Maybe my entire relationship model is 'wrong'. I'm fine with that too, I have plenty of love for everyone.

    Love an Kisses,
    Kyle
     
  3. Cosmos

    Cosmos New Member

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    Thank you, that helps.

    “Lotsa of love” is one thing but “I love you” is another, IMO. And is your girlfriend aware of how friendly you are with these women? Does she know the exact details? I bet so. In my case it came left-field from me, and that’s why it feels like a deception, because I wasn’t made aware of it.

    Add to that the fact that he never said such things to me while we were good friends (and some he doesn’t even say to me now) really gets my goat. If it were just how he treated good friends why didn’t he treat me that way? I’m sure that sounds like I’m being petty, but to me it shows how there’s a definite level of intimacy he has with her that he doesn’t with me. And that’s what got me scared.

    I wasn’t normally a jealous person but after multiple deceits by my former boyfriends I find myself constantly in turmoil over what new way a guy’s gonna make up to betray me. They’ve been extremely creative so far, and I don’t need any more self-doubt or trust issues than I already have.

    I need him to understand how much this bothers me and some reassurance that it was platonic, it won’t happen again, and that his words to me aren’t so he can get a piece of ass.

    This is very hard.
     
  4. Ashleigh

    Ashleigh Contributor Contributor

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    Cosmos, sounds like it didn't go too well. But well done for making the decision to have space away from him - that's something alot of girls don't even have the courage to do. Atleast you know your heads in the right place, even if your hearts in turmoil about it.

    Also, thank you for understanding where I was coming from. Sometimes I cloud my responses so much so that my actual message gets jumbled up - I completely understand why you're upset by this, and you're right, there is a big difference between 'lots of love' and 'I love you forever'.

    Just want you to know that I was once in a similar situation, so that's probably why I have such strong views on the subject. However, I genuinely hope this turns out in the best possible way for you.

    If you'd like a chat, I'm always here - PM me any time.

    Good on you for being brave enough to confront this, hun. You're awesome :)
     
  5. hiddennovelist

    hiddennovelist Contributor Contributor

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    I'm glad the two of you were able to talk about this. Sorry to hear that things didn't go pleasantly, but hopefully being able to discuss things will help you two sort things out in the best way possible. Best of luck! And like others have offered, I'm also always around if you need someone to talk to. *hugs* Going through this sort of thing isn't ever easy, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it again. :(
     
  6. RedRaven

    RedRaven Active Member

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    I've been on both sides of this kind of turmoil and I would suggest openness.. even if it's the hardest thing you find yourself doing and even when the consequences are a big unknown.
    If he loves you, he will understand your concerns and there would be no problem in the first place if he didn't have those emails.

    This is of course depending on how much you can move on not knowing. If it's going to come up either way, I would suggest that you just ask him in a calm manner, instead of shouting it to him when you should be fighting.

    I hope you work this out and I feel for you. Most is nothing but fun and play, but the hurt doesn't lessen though.
     
  7. madhoca

    madhoca Contributor Contributor

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    I'm pretty philosophical now about how faithful people can be to each other. I don't believe total openess is possible for many people, it's just not in their makeup. Some of us have to keep something back; telling everything accomplishes nothing, it only causes more unhappiness. Besides, you'll only get whatever he choses to tell you.

    1. Ask yourself:
    Am I happy with him, and does he show happiness with me? Is there something wonderful that is added to my life by this relationship that I don't want to live without? If yes, go on to 2. If no, finish with him now.
    2. Remember:
    No one owns anyone else. No one is perfect. Men (and women, I guess) can get bored with the monotony of one relationship, but they still value it far more than casual flirtations. And--even if he says 'I love you', and even if he goes as far as sleeping with someone else, it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all.

    On the other hand, it might.

    Guess I'm not the jealous type, luckily for me.
    I suggest you forget about it, quick. You'll find out soon enough if it is important. He'll behave differently, or tell you. But if you see, sense or hear nothing, well, this thing is not worth bothering about. Life's too short.
     
  8. Sabreur

    Sabreur Contributor Contributor

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    You're a far more level-headed person than me I suppose. Some things are just unforgivable and disloyalty is one of those things.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. Banzai

    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    Agreed.
     
  10. Norm

    Norm New Member

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    I don't know how this is turning out for you, but I must say that as a man, the life partner looking through your things is something that is very annoying, so you shouldn't be doing that.

    Also, if he's cheating, you gotta get rid of him anyway so I guess it wouldn't matter that you found out through invasion of privacy.
     
  11. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    That is a very black and white response. I was cheated on, in a marriage. The marriage did eventually end, but her cheating was NOT the reason. It was a symptom, and the real problem could have gone either way.

    Not everyone can move forward in a relationship after the partner cheats, but you don't know until you have actually been in that situation. And each situation is different.

    Only Cosmos can decide what she needs to do, and first she will need to find out all the facts.
     
  12. Evil Flamingo

    Evil Flamingo Banned Contributor

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    Way off topic, you can delete this post if you want, but this sounds like and excellent prompt for a story or poem.
     
  13. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    you're wise to take some 'time out' now... you both have to decide what you want/need and if you're able and willing to provide what the other wants/needs, unconditionally... having some time apart will help you to dim those stars in your eyes and see things more clearly...

    love and healing hugs, maia
     
  14. Cosmos

    Cosmos New Member

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    I just wanted to say that we had an opportunity to speak last night and mostly resolve this. It was part stupidity on his part, and part paranoia on mine. We've set some measurable boundaries, on both sides and we've done a lot to make sure we don't encounter this again. He is a very good man and was distressed that he upset me so, and I let him know that he has to be more sensible and respectful regarding his behaviour. I also apologized for looking through his email, and he was fine with that. I think we got it all sorted out now.

    Thanks everyone for your comments, suggestions and support. They really did help me during a really rocky time for me.
     
  15. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Best of luck, Cosmos.

    Altough compromise is a positive step, just make sure you don't compromise your principles, solely to stay in a relationship. If you give up pieces of you in the process, it's not worth it.
     
  16. Sassy_Tiger

    Sassy_Tiger New Member

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    I'm glad you have it all sorted, both knowing what each other finds acceptable is the best start. On wards and up wards
     
  17. madhoca

    madhoca Contributor Contributor

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    Way to go Cosmos. Be happy together.
     
  18. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ditto that!

    glad things are better now... hugs, m
     
  19. RedRaven

    RedRaven Active Member

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    I thought I wasn't either, the jealous type. Until stg happened to be jealous about.
    It's not easy being completely open, but it does show respect for the man/woman you love. The honesty was forced in my case and I would have wanted to do it on my own time and a lot sooner too, if I could do it all over again. Would've made me do less stupid things, because you would be surprised how little you actually can keep secret.

    Like most things in life, it's relative.
    Why did it happen?
    When?
    With whom?
    How long did it carry on?

    It's a grey zone, imo.

    I'm happy you sorted it out and moving forward. :)
     

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