How do I create a gay character without being disrespectful?

Every man - non gay man/straight man/hetero man/whatever the hell you want me to call him - who has ever shook my hand (be it through a company I've worked for, a friend of my husband or someone connected with my children's education) has shook it in a palm to palm way with a vice like grip. Every woman who has ever shook my hand, has shaken more of my fingers than my whole hand, and there's never been a vice like grip from a woman.

So I'm speaking from experience - and I've not experienced everything I want to write about, which is why I'm on this forum asking the damn question in the first place.

 

FTFY????

what does that mean please?

 

If you haven't experienced that much contact with gay men (that you know of--how can you know if all those men were heterosexual?), what are your grounds for the idea that gayness makes a man shake hands differently?

If you're just saying that this one character fits that stereotype, maybe it's not a great idea to embrace the stereotype?

 

Part of his description is a gentle man with a light touch. According to a mutual friend of a friend, who is a gay man, that's ok.

 

Other stereotypes.

 

I don't know what this means. I still don't think that embracing stereotypes is a great idea.

Also, "gentle" and "light touch" don't automatically lead to the described handshake. I don't know anyone who shakes hands like that. I must have, sometime in the past, or I wouldn't even know what you mean. But in my experience it's not usual for anyone.

 

It means "fixed that for you."

 

Have a hot woman come on to him and he has to politely but awkwardly reject her advances. I think most readers will get it from that. You can add more like another dancer looks at her and says "you've a lot to learn about this place"

something like that but better.

 

Preach.

EDIT: actually, now that I think about it, and in the spirit of assisting with research, this might be the perfect place to ask. I happen to know that the author is very knowledgeable about these issues and their advice comes from both experience and research.

 

It doesn't have to be an obvious thing - like gay people don't have a distinct way or anything, people you thought were straight were probably gay and you had no idea.

You don't have to overthink it. You can just say he has a date with a dude. And I might not go with the "ooh he won't be getting into your pants route" bc there seems to be a the gay friend stereotype that girls always go on about - oh, how I wish I could have a gay friend to help me with makeup and give me advice about boys blah blah blah.. Nah. Avoid that.

 

But that could also just mean he's married, he's got a rule about mixing work and business, she's drunk, or maybe she just isn't his type. A guy not reciprocating a woman's advances doesn't mean he's gay and reciprocating them doesn't mean he's straight. If you want to write a gay character, then please just write a good strong character showing them the same respect that you would any other character. Please try to avoid stereotypes and please get to know some people in the LGBT community. This way you can actually have some people that are actually gay to model your character off of and you'll have some friends that can you can ask an opinion on as to whether or not something you've written is offensive or not.

 

@cutecat22 , is there any reason why this guy can't be totally stereotype-free? Especially given that it's your first gay character(?), I think that would be best.

It can be as simple as "My husband" being referred to in any number of contexts.

 

The way I interpreted the OP's request was how to let the reader know this character is gay without making it a big thing. He could be married sure, you just add another line where the spurned woman asks the other whether he's married. To which she replies you've got a lot to learn about this place. It's quick it's simple and it shows and doesn't tell. Let the reader figure it out.

As for the straight man turning down a beautiful woman ok he might be married. Mixing business and pleasure... Yeah I'm not buying it. At least that's not where my head would go or most people's.

As for knowing gay people. I've known plenty thanks. If I ever need to write a gay character I don't feel like I would have much of a problem. Since, you know, they're just people like everyone else...

 

Yeah, again, another stereotype. You're saying a man can't have a moral code because stereotypical guys will do anything for sex, so if he turns a girl down for whatever reason then he must be gay.

 

I was going to say something similar. How about if a new dancer joins the troupe, finds him attractive, and asks one of the other ladies if he's taken?

"Who, Chad? Yep, and if his husband catches you hitting on him, there'll be hell to pay," Maggie said with a smirk.

 

I'm saying that it would give that impression over other possible alternatives to most people. The OP specifically said they don't want to spell it out but imply that the character is gay. If there's a stereotype being used it's a stereotype of straight men not gay men.

 

My issue isn't as to who is being negatively stereotyped, it's that it's happening at all. Stereotyping one demographic instead or another isn't a solution to harmful stereotypes.

 

I say if you want to write something but are not too sure how to approach it, simply do research and write things from a characters perspective. Your characters don't have to represent your personal views as an author and maybe you do have a character who is disrespectful, one who is respectful or maybe one who like yourself isn't sure how to approach the subject matter.

 

The point is to plant a rather simple idea that doesn't seem to be massively impactful to the plot. Not right all of the world's wrongs.

 

You can also do that without propagating them.

 

Not this member of most people.

 

I always shake everyone's hands--especially female hands--by the fingers primarily. I do this as a sign of respect. I don't want to hurt anyone's hands, especially if it's the opposite sex. Also, I'm not very interested in touching a stranger's entire hand. The handshake thing doesn't tell you about a person's sexuality.

 

I don't shake anyone's hand at all if I can get away with it. Wonder what that means about my sexuality or gender? Or is it just because I don't like to touch people? No, that can't be it.

 

I just avoid people altogether. Clearly that means my sexuality and gender are shrouded in ambiguity.

 

Why don't you then? I haven't seen you even try to help the poster with her problem. Offer a pragmatic solution instead of sitting on your high horse calling out others.