How do I create a gay character without being disrespectful?

Straight up? Why. Why don't you want to say that? What is the problem with just having him mention he's got a boyfriend, or have a woman hit on him so he can say "No thanks, I'm incredibly gay, bye". I write queer characters all the time and I don't have the difficulty that some folks seem to have with including just one entire gay dude. Why go the long way 'round and give him qualities that might vaguely imply his sexuality through tangentially related aspects of his personality or demeanor instead of just saying it outright at a convenient moment? I promise it's a million times easier.

 

I get where you're coming from, I really do, but telling me what not to do, only leaves me the option of finding more stereotypes. My book is in draft stage, and the part I've just written is the first instance where Chase appears - which is why I came here because I knew something just wasn't right with him.

Dropping the feminine handshake part is as easy as pressing delete, delete, delete, I have no problem with that whatsoever, so my question now is:

Forgetting the handshake, HOW can I convey to the reader, that Chase is a gay man without using gender stereotypes that may be disrespectful to anyone, and without TELLING my reader that Chase is a gay man?

 

If you had a character who was, say, especially attracted to women with red hair, would you be looking for the ways that that person shakes hands differently, or their different taste in music, or clothing, or their different politics?

Or would you understand, easily and without struggling, that that particular preference in sexual attraction can stand alone, and that man is just a man? You can understand that, right? If I asked you, "How does a man who like red-haired women shake hands?" wouldn't you stare blankly and say, "What does the red hair have to do with it?

I feel as if you're really, really struggling with the idea that the same thing is true of men who happen to be attracted to other men. I don't know why that is a struggle for you, but since it very clearly is, I think that it is unwise for you to have a gay character in this story.

 

That's EXACTLY why I'm asking.

This is in first draft - it's the third book, it is stand alone but contains a couple of characters carried over from a previous book, but after a long time gap. There is a possiblity that Chase may have a bigger part, there is a possibility that I may explore his personal life, but there is also the possibility that he will stay as a secondary character. Because if this, I need to get him right from the get-go.

 

Bingo. Write the character you want. You seem to know well enough not to make the character a rainbow-farting queen (though there's nothing inherently wrong with that -- they exist and many are very forward about it), and you seem to know well enough that stereotypes don't materialize out of thin air (i.e., exist for a reason), so just write the damn guy. Some people will take offense, others won't give a squirt of piss. If you give power over to others and let them dictate how you write your characters, you've already lost the story-writing game. Give him a fem handshake if you want. Challenging stereotypes is great too. Writing interesting characters is better.

 

There have been plenty of suggestions. For example, he could refer to his husband. He could be buying a gift for his boyfriend. His boyfriend could be giving him a ride after work. He could refer to an ex, and it could be made clear that that ex was male. Plenty of ways.

For that matter, there's really nothing wrong with him mentioning that he's gay. It could come up in a political conversation, a conversation about marriage, a conversation about parents ("Yeah, my father didn't deal well when I came out.") etc.

 

The problem with that is that stereotypes usually make reeeeeeally boring characters.

 

Chase's mobile buzzed. He grabbed it, read the text and laughed. He then shoved the phone into the front of his trousers. His pants lit up for a moment and the shutter clicked. "There, maybe that'll keep him happy for a bit."

 

Kind of broad, isn't that? A gay dude could have a lisp and limp wrist and still be interesting based on what he says and does. I've seen a lot of attention paid here to things like handshakes, gait, mentioning ones partner...correct me if I'm wrong, but who's bothered mentioning any significant character development? Thoughts and feelings? Behaviors that exist next to stereotypes and create interesting juxtaposition? Anything? "Offense" is such a subjective thing and folks seem so hell-bent on making sure that gayness is displayed "correctly" that whatever character this guy could have has been lost in a sea of trivial arguments over what degree of stereotypical traits makes a character okay or not.

 

And there you go again.

I'm not talking about sexual attraction!

I'm talking about how Chase acts in every day life! This is not about how he's attracted to anything, this is about how he conducts himself in everyday life!

So I took time out today to think about all the men in my life - and by that, I don't mean partners. When I was 18, I worked in a hospital, there were about 10 in our group, including one guy who was the Union Rep. He was in his forties an he was gay. He was always smartly turned out and always happy to help you out at work, but he walked like he was on a catwalk runway, and spoke with a voice that sounded like it had never broken.

I don't remember ever shaking his hand.

On the subject of gay women (turns out I've come across more gay people that I think I have) I worked with a lesbian called Annie, who only wore make up and heeled shoes at christmas, always had short spikey hair, and had her eyebrow pierced.

I've grown up with stereotypical!

 

@big soft moose that is an excellent idea! thanks so much!

 

Thank you - that's actually helpful x

 

Rainbow-farting queen - I love that!

Thanks - that helps a lot.

 

But "gay" refers to being sexually attracted to other men. So sexual attraction really can't be entirely removed from this discussion. If you want a character to be "gay", sexual attraction is what makes that word applicable.

Yes. And I'm saying that (1) who Chase is attracted to and (2) how Chase behaves in everyday life, in situations that are unrelated to sexual attraction, are two totally different issues.

Let's look at the statement:

"I'm not talking about sexual attraction! I'm talking about how men who like red-haired women act in everyday life!"

That doesn't make any sense. Just as this doesn't make any sense.

Well, no, you've met a couple of people who followed stereotypes. Odds are that you have been acquainted with many gay men and lesbians, and had no idea, because they didn't follow the stereotypes.

 

OK, you've lost me now.

Red hair doesn't come into it.

Maybe chase is the taker of the couple and is therefore less dominant and percieved to be the "more feminine" part of the couple made up of him and his boyfriend. As the more feminine of the two, he's more likely to be the more feminine one in his every day life which may show through in his actions an mannerisms.

If you want to bring in a hetero man who would shag anything with red hair, then maybe he would be written as being constantly late for work because everytime he saw a red headed woman, he followed her and pestered her until she agreed to have coffee with him.

And this :
"I'm not talking about sexual attraction! I'm talking about how men who like red-haired women act in everyday life!"

makes absolutely no sense because you've taken half of my sentence and half of your own about bloody red hair!

I get that you probably want to make me feel like I shouldn't be writing a gay character, but that ain't gonna happen, I will write Chase as a gay man.

 

Well, I'm out.

 

I simply can't understand what's going on here.

I find this idea almost breathtakingly alarming.

Why would you assume that there would be a feminine part of the couple? Where did that come from? You seem to be operating on a lot of ideas about gay men that are simply not accurate.

And that would make no sense, right? Do you think that it would make sense?

Yes. Yes, I did. Because being gay is about sexual (and romantic) attraction. That's all it's about. Just as being attracted to women with red hair is about sexual (and romantic) attraction. That's all it's about. Oh, there are also societal and other issues, because being gay is not societally well-supported and nobody cares about what hair color you like, but you seem to be assuming that being gay has a much stronger impact on all elements of a person's character and behavior, an impact that is somehow common and predictable, and that's incorrect.

But are you willing to even consider writing him as other than a stereotype?

I'm truly at a loss here. I feel that there is some core concept that I can't find, that all of your misconceptions are coming from.

Maybe you have an idea that any human pairing requires a feminine and a masculine half, so that if two men pair, one must be feminine?

Maybe you have an idea that heterosexual males are the "normal" human, and that therefore anyone who does not check off both of those boxes is in a sort of feminine mishmash?

Maybe...

Anyone? OK, other posters in this thread, am I the one who's confused here? This is surreal, right?

 

This is why I put Maybe, in the sentence.

I don't know his history, and I don't yet know his personal life (I haven't got that far yet) but I'm thinking I was right to look at this now rather than when the book is just about complete.

And, he's not a flouncing queen.

 

Yes, but when you say, "Maybe he's A and therefore B" that suggests that you think that A and B are linked. That's the misconception.

 

For me, the gay character in my story mentions their sexuality once and never brings it up again. It's a sexual attraction, not a defining trait.



With the drink in full flow, talk had turned to other, pressing matters concerning John Lachlan. “Good looking,” Lydia admitted with a sly grin.

“For his age you mean,” said Raimo.

“No, I don’t.”

Sunny had agreed with Lydia’s assessment. “Handsome,” the pilot said with a nod. “Good manners too, like a proper gentleman. And he knows his ships, so what’s not to like?”

“Seriously?” Raimo shook his head. “You too?”

“I’m gay Raimo, not blind."