In my case, I remember the reasons why things didn't work out in the first place. It's very hard when you're alone, but there was obviously some incompatibility, some needs that weren't being met. Then I'd imagine if I ended up marrying someone who would break my heart all the time. I also cut off contact. Knowing an ex found someone when you haven't crushes your self esteem. The other way around doesn't help either. Your happiness no longer includes this person. Why let comparisons poison your life?
Aye. So what are you saying? Don't love anybody because sooner or later you will lose them? I suppose that's true, but you can apply that to just about anything you want, or enjoy or long for. Or the opposite ...love them quickly and well while you have the chance, because it won't last? I don't know, myself. When you love somebody, you always fear something bad might happen to them. And the volume of the fear is commesurate with the volume of your love, I suppose. Everything has its price. You don't love, you don't lose.
Find someone new. Not only will it help you forget, but if your ex finds out you've already moved on -- on the surface anyway -- it'll be like a proverbial liver punch, the kind that you received unprepared, a hefty one that'll make you curl up on the floor, gasping for breath, your eyes brimming with tears, mwahahahahaa! Petty and vindictive, moi? Nah. Good luck, Gigi. Sorry to hear this happened, but you'll pull through and come out stronger. Hugs!
Huh. This is all really helpful, so I might as well share my story. In September, I transferred to my current college after the first year spent at home and going to the smaller college near my high school. This has been my first (and only - I signed an apartment lease two weeks ago, WHOOO ) year in the dorms, and honestly, this year has been an incredible one for me and my life. My relationship with my parents has never been good and getting away from home in a more permanent sense has really made me come out of my shell and has reduced my S.A.D., depression, anxiety and OCD in major, major ways. It was actually the first winter that I spent not depressed or terrified of falling in a hole. Anyway, I won't go into terrible detail here, but basically I really connected with this guy last semester, we both opened up, shared a lot between each other, I got to know the real him that he told me he's scared to let others see, we started flirting and hooking up and everything was really great, and then he called it off, said he didn't want "things to change between us" and started sleeping with some other girl, and it broke my heart. I basically told him - yesterday, actually, after a month of deliberation and trying to be friends again - that I couldn't be his friend anymore because of it. I don't understand anything about where his head is at, and I don't get how he could see what we had and not want to continue it, or not see what we had in the first place.
@Mckk wrote I was hoping we'd have one of these emoticons with the smiley beating its little fist on the floor laffin, but this one will have to do. "We're all Christians"? Seriously?? How convenient of him to remember at that precise juncture! *goes and tries to get breath back*
That is bad. Talk about having the bottom drop out from under you without warning. If I were writing this situation and you were my characters, I'd explain his behavior (which stinks regardless) by having him a) find out that his relationship with you gave him the confidence to go sleep with this other girl (whom he maybe had a fancy for in the first place, or b) with his previous issues, he was afraid the two of you were getting too close and he ran off chicken before he got in too deep. Either way, it doesn't sound like it's about you. How I've gotten over heartbreak? Sing. Especially this: over and over. Write poetry. Whatever you do, don't make the mistake of thinking you somehow deserve to have your heart broken. And the gains you made living in the dorm this past year are real. Don't let this broken relationship take anything away from that.
Lots and lots and lots of alcohol. And then tons of herbs. Then quite a few, but not as many, other drugs in various sizes and shapes =) Oh, and as mentioned beforehand, other partners. That's my method, but I'm pretty sure it's the least healthy.
edamame, Young men are about three years behind females in maturity. Date some guys about five years older than yourself. Do spend $3,00 on the net, and check them out…they might be married, or jack the Ripper. And no, do not spill the beans on yourself within the first year. Just remember, love can be tricky. When a guy first looks at you, what do you think is going around in his head? “Oh, I like this gal because she looks so smart.” Yeah, right. A person’s friends tell a lot about the guy you like. If his friends use drugs, you think he doesn’t? First date, take a friend along. If you’re easy to get in the sack, guys have a saying, “If I can sleep with her before I marry her, others can sleep with her after we marry. And, no, that is not old fashion…its good sense. Why do you think the divorce rate is about 70%? Be good to yourself…you won’t miss out on the right guy. If a guy sleeps around, would you trust him?
This is really, really fucking helpful. Thank you so, so much. I've been focusing on myself this past month and getting better and better at letting these feelings go and coping and doing good things for myself and even though I'm in a better place than I was a month ago, this still really helps. He only met her this semester, and he's a good guy generally, so it doesn't feel like I was ~used~ or anything like that (and none of our mutual friends who both know us seem to think that's the case anyway), so maybe it's B? Either way, it doesn't and shouldn't matter to me anymore, because he walked away from a really great thing. I didn't fuck this up. It's just a matter of remembering that and believing it and moving on from this.
Alcohol helped me. I got into a very messy situation last summer. And lost a good friend. I was up at 4am each morning,exercising,drinking,listening to the Doors,and drinking all morning at work. How no one ever noticed is beyond me. I suppose there was an element of not giving a fuck anymore. The situation changed me. In a way,it liberated me. I was no Saint through it all. I was hurt,but I also hurt others. What it revealed to me though is that we all have our foibles and we all live our lives the way we do. I've had my heart broken,I've undoubtedly broken hearts. But that doesn't make us all villains,because it's clear to me that too often,feelings change. It's how couples deal with it that is the issue. When I was younger,I acted similarly to the guy you mentioned, OP. Now,I realise that what I did was selfish and not how I would want to act again. But then,twenty years later,I'm making mistakes again,but different mistakes! Maybe we just never get a handle on how relationships are supposed to work. And maybe people are meant to change and develop which leads to relationships changing. Part of you should wallow in the heartbreak - the intense feelings of pain you don't experience anywhere else (except, perhaps, bereavement) are important to go through because they make us human,and as writers,valuable source material,to be blunt. But also,realise that there are MILLIONS of other people who can do the job for you that he couldn't. People hate to hear that old dictum,there are more fish in the sea,but to quote the Marvelettes,there are too many fish in the sea. Take time,meet people,not just romantic interests,but a social network of friends who you can always fall back on,as they can fall back on you when they go through the pain. This leads to you valuing yourself more,and realising that a romantic relationship,despite what we are told,is just another slice of that cake that is the 360° human experience. I hope you are feeling better.
I do. I'm definitely in a way, way better place than I was when I made this post, and in an even better place than I was when this whole thing went down. I'm grateful for that. I don't really want to go back to that realization or those days when that pain was something that was so consuming and sharp. Now it's gone and faded and if it flares up at all it's a dull ache. I feel better. I'm glad for that. I've realized this past month that I have such a good life, both currently and ahead of me, and this is just one thing that's happened. I'm young and I have so much still to do and experience. It's a little bit hard, still, because for the next month I still live across the hall from the guy. I'm pretty over it at this point, and I know I want to continue to be over it, but the proximity sometimes makes things flare up that wouldn't flare up otherwise. I just gotta power through and get done with this semester. Right now my overarching sentiment towards everything is just... I'm glad it all happened. It sucked that it ended the way it did, but I know I did everything in my power to try to fix the situation and salvage it, and it wasn't my fault. I love people intensely - it's what I've always done. And I know that I never would have been the one to cut things off or end things because I knew I cared, but eventually I grew to realize that, as much as I cared about the situation and him, it wasn't reflected either romantically or even on a level of repairing the friendship. I felt like I was prioritizing someone who was taking my presence for granted, and as much as I cared about him, I knew I couldn't stay in that kind of imbalanced place, as much as I wanted to. Time to move on. There's definitely other stuff. I'm honestly just glad everything happened, at this point. I learned a lot and had a lot of fun and experienced new feelings. I can carry that with me and do better next time.
Honestly, the times I've had to deal with it, these have been my remedies: - Meditation. - Sinking into a huge great piece of literature, like DeLillo's Underworld, or War and Peace. Just literally taking a few days out of life, staying in bed and reading. - Travel. Never ceases to work. - Exercise. Also great for getting your body in shape to attract the next one It's not a pleasant experience though. Ever.
The horriblist time of my life was spent thinking about going home to an empty quiet house of smithereened dreams, staring at the switched off TV, seeing myself in the screen's reflection and waiting for my phone to ring or beep or flash. It did neither no matter how much I willed it. I wondered how many times I could call her without being accused of stalking, before she went to the police, three hundred, four hundred maybe? I counted down the hours to when I could sleep and bought coke to forget but it just kept me up longer thinking and crying and thinking some more but it was dark and I wrote as if I lived vicariously through the quill of a troubled poet and I wanted to scream and drink and get over her by getting over another but that didn't work. I didn't want another, so depressed was I alcohol had no effect, like it was tea or milk or water, with each sip diluting further till we were both stripped to bare bone. I spent nights stretched across an empty bed again willing my phone to do something till it was time to go to work where I toiled like a lunatic, crossing every t and dotting every I and checking again, and again. My work was perfection, my writing dark and I forgot till it was time to go home and I stayed at work looking for things to do and I found them. I'd do tomorrow's work this evening and next week's work this week till I was a month ahead and had to go home to that empty box with the switched off screen and the coke to keep me awake when I so wanted to sleep and I couldn't forget. Except to write. I forgot how to write.
At first it was a matter of assuaging the pain of unrequited love. I used alcohol for that. It was upwards of ten slow glasses of whiskey a night, every night. Then he left for the USA. that cut deep. Particularly when he told me there was "nothing" for him over here. Then there was the revelation and betrayal...that he had slept with my friend. That he was just a slut, a sleep around. That I really couldn't have meant anything to him all along. And just at a time when he was beginning to cling on to me. All the way over in Texas and he was finally admitting his feelings for me. Well it was too little too late. I cut all contact with him. Two years have passed since then. It's the only thing I could think to do.
The golden joinery metaphor is the stuff of excellence. Churchill I think it was, who said "If you're going through hell, keep going." I had a very painful break-up, it seems almost comical to me now. The girl had been pulling my leg for half a year, we would text each other every f****** day. Then one lovely autumn evening, I worked up the courage, took her by her hand and we were a couple. For exactly two hours, after which time she made her mind and broke up with me by giving me a romantic good-bye kiss. I kid you not. Not long ago I came across this quote by Churchill and it really rang a bell. My state of mind after the break-up resembled a wasteland. Dreary, shabby, deserted swathe of uninhabited land. And I walked. And walked. Walked. Till I forgot how I got there in the first place. And ultimately, I reached its end. There I found a real treasure. Keep walking. Metaphorically but also literally. Walking helps.
I watch 500 Days of Summer Listen to a bit of Sigur Ros I let myself wallow, close my eyes, and indulge completely in the sadness for a small while. Then I push the bad thoughts away. I push away the pain, the anger, and especially the fear. And I promise to work on becoming the person I know I could be if I stopped being afraid and angry. I vocalize this promise, just to know it's real. I allow myself to become aware of the astronomical odds of my existence, how each small butterfly effected moment had to pass exactly as it did in order for me to ever have opened my eyes and experienced this world. An eternity simply would have passed me by without my knowledge. I go through old photos, listen to old songs, watch old movies, all from my childhood, to reconnect with a person less afraid of the world, less afraid to cry, to be romantic and idealist, and less afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. I try to appreciate every moment of the things that I've lost, and know they are never truly lost as long as I take those people and those experiences and I become better. If I can be the best person, then their influence will speak through me. All I know is that I don't feel heartache for long. Some people have called me cold, but I just think it's my talent to always find hope. I think it's a human talent in general if you can let yourself be brave enough. It's okay to be sad, to wallow, and to be selfish. But you're doing yourself a disservice if you stay that way for too long. The world could use more optimism. You can change so many people and thus change the world through simply being you.
I think, you never really get over something like that. Heartbreak comes in many forms. Maybe, your best friend of however many years just forgot about you and pretends to not know who you are. That hurts. Or you lost someone close to you. Death is a hard thing. We, as Christians, know that if the person who passed was a believer, then there are in a better place. But those who are not saved, it is a terrible thing. I have not had a boyfriend, so I can't talk about this from a relationship prospective. It's called heartbreak for a reason. I think it is kind of like the rug being pulled from under you. Sometimes it is unexpected. But, things heal. I think you just always remember the times your heart has been broken. Because it is easy to focus on things that hurt us, and make us sad. But we should remember, we have someone who has our best interests at heart. God! God has a reason why these things happen. He only gives us what we can handle. We just have to trust in Him. Sometimes, that is hard to do. But again, He knows what is best. "For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
I've only ever had my heart broken once but it did its damage I am the way I am now because of it. My broken heart was caused by my mother. Unfortunately I did not deal with it well and resorted to self-harm. I'm one of those people who get overwhelmed by too much emotion and back then didn't know constructive/healthy ways to manage it (I do now). So that's how I dealt with it, causing physical pain to purge emotional ones, hiding tears so she wouldn't see me cry and closing myself off to most people because if your mother can hurt you so much everyone else can too right? That was my thinking then *shakes head* Now I think I'm much more mature (or at least have been taught proper emotional etiquette). I'd probably deal with heart break in a different way because I know the VERY wrong way for me to go, I'd actively try to avoid that path and seek help from my friends so they can look out for me. I'd probably force myself to go out and exercise, get a new haircut (new haircuts might seem trivial but they are THE BOMB), go dancing, immerse myself in enjoyable things and when night is here and you have no one but the darkness by your? Perhaps have a good cry and exhaust myself I may or may not be above hiring company (too risque? Apologies) XD
Still broken. But who really cares, it's character building right. After the woman you've spent nine years with, just up and decides to hurt you. After the smoke cleared her indiscretion warrants her a better life, and mine is a living hell. Funny how she destroys everything and I have to pay for it. Nothing helps. Just have to come to the realization that no one really gives a shit what happens to little ole me (myself included). So unless by some miracle things get better. I will be nothing to no one, and that sits well with me. Tired of all the lies trying to cheer me up. Just lucky to win the shit end of the stick when it comes to relationships. I shed my tears until it became pointless. I have forgotten how it feels to be loved, or be close with another. Not that it matters since no one will give me a chance out in the 'dating world'. So unless you think miracles really exist and work, I guarantee there is nothing going to help me. Besides misery is in good company (goes nicely with depression).
I just recently turned 30 last week. Met a girl at work. She has 2 kids. At first it was just friendly chatting then it quickly turned to some kind of a romantic one. Our chat became very deep until we already have our term of endearments for each other. On that time that we were chatting we established mutual feelings with each other. We started dating (casually). She told me her life story with her supposed "ex", father of her children. She told me that her ex cheated on her not only once but twice. She said that that was the last time that she would accept him because she's had enough. So, I was confident that she is already into me and ready to move forward. We continued dating, until one day she starts saying that she doesn't know what she really wants and told me that we need to stop. I told her that I have already fallen for her and already invested feelings towards her. We still continued dating. One day her "ex" told me that she no longer replies to her ex's chats and told me that he is not pursuing her anymore since it's clear to him that she is already happy with me. He told me to take care of her and don't do the thing that he did to her when they we're still together. I did not reply since it's kind of awkward but deep inside I was happy that her ex will not pursue her anymore. It was a relief, we still continued dating, but she really starts to tell me that she doesn't want this anymore and said that she wants someone that can settle down with her. One that can accept her despite her having 2 kids. I told her I am ready to settle. I gave her a box of flowers and some chocolates with a letter expressing my love to her in valentine's day. She was happy. The next day she texted me that her parents hated her after they saw the flowers that I gave to her. She starts saying that she really cannot do anything she likes because she's like a prisoner. By the way her parents doesn't know that she and her ex are not communicating. Her parents believe that her ex was faithful to her and had never done anything. At the same day she texted me that she no longer wants to continue being with me anymore and that we should stop. I broke down crying. I tried to win her back but failed. 2 weeks after V day her ex proposed to her and she said yes, now they are getting married. She immediately cut all of our communications and now I'm left hanging. I can't even say congratulations to her because she cut all of our communication. Before she said that it is over, she promised to me that we would be friends, but I don't think that's going to happen now. Now, I am broken. I am constantly thinking if I could have done more to save us. I am analyzing all the small details when we were still together. If I had expressed my feelings for her early. I am also starting to think that she just used me to comfort her during the times that she and her ex is not communicating. Thinking that maybe she didn't like me at all. Maybe it was just so convenient for her because I was there during her times of loneliness. She also told me on her last message that what she felt for me was pure and she was really happy on the time that we were together. No I'm punishing myself of overthinking what might have happened if I have done this or if I haven't done that. This all happened just in a span of 5 months but it really left me broken. After all the failed relationships that I had before her, I really thought that she was the one. Now my friends are telling me to just grieve on the loss because you cannot change her decision anymore and she is going to be married. Now I am here writing this because when I am alone at home all our happy memories go back and it just kills me and I always start crying. I deleted all our pictures together but the memory still snaps back in my head whenever I am not preoccupied. And also we are on the same floor in our building. Still going to be able to see each other. I haven't seen her since the proposal but I'm afraid that once I see her, I would break down. Just writing this right now to preoccupy my mind, it's still remembering her but this is better than just lying in bed crying remembering our happy moments.
