Be firm with her.Since your mum doesn't have the heart to kick her out ,kick out her dog if she doesn't behave.
You're right. I should probably go to one of those sites. The writingforum is currently the one I've been most attached to for the past couple of months and I know there are a lot of intelligent minds here, so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Sure "get a job and move out" isn't always possible. But, I imagine, as part of continuing to live with you, your son had to acknowledge that you are the head of the house and, if he didn't like something you do as head of the house (particularly in regards to your relationship with any of your other children), what were your son's options and what were the consequences if he stuck his nose into it anyway?
Keep in mind that you do not have all the story. For example, your sibling might be dealing with depression. Everything you've said she's done is explainable with depression. Your sibling may have told your mom about the depression and asked your mom to keep it private. You simply do not know the rest of the story. That's why you need to leave it between the head of the house and your sibling.
We've never had a problematic relationship. We get along quite well. And there are no other kids nor his dad. But when I was a teen, I was a holy terror. My dad screamed at me to leave once and I did but on the porch he threatened to call the cops if I left so I guess he was sorry for calling my bluff. Times were different. Student loans were cheap and I went into nursing, there was always a job to be had. It's not the same at the moment.
I'm sorry this is going on. Dysfunction at home is incredibly difficult to live with. It takes a lot to open up to relative strangers about it. I agree that moving out is your best course of action. I also believe if you take a stand with your sister there's good potential it would cause strife with other family members. It's difficult to deal with a family member who refuses to take care of basic things in order to function. You love them and want them to be happy at the same time it drives you nuts to see things that are so easy to correct being consistently disregarded by them. Unfortunately I have experience with this on a different matter with a different family member in my house. Their refusal to do fairly basic things or be involved has caused a lot of damage. Unfortunately you can't change people. If they don't want to change then there's really not much hope of encouraging change either. Right now is a time to damage control and be "selfish". Protect your own sanity as best as you can and let the chips fall where they may with your sister. Do things that make you feel better and help you cope in healthy ways. Self care is always important especially in mentally/emotionally trying times. Do nice things for yourself whenever possible. It helps a lot.
Wow, that's a very difficult situation. To me this sounds like a) Something went wrong when your parents brought up your sister and she ended up spoiled b) Your sister has mental problems and should visit a doctor Not knowing enough, I'm guessing (b), because getting defensive, not listening to reason, and lashing out on other people doesn't sound healthy, especially if it happens repeatedly. How is she even able to keep a job? I know it's sometimes not the best decision to move out, especially not in this economy, but you're Canadian, and Canada has pretty good social care, right? Students are supported well with student benefits, inexpensive student housing, etc.? So you could apply for a flat, maybe get a roomie to share a rent (or if you have a gf/bf, move in with them?). I'd just get the hell out of dodge if I were you. Hang tough.
I can sympathize with you - and it sounds like you're doing your best re: your parents and living with them. I had to do that a few times when younger, but when I got older I was able to help them out a lot more, so I think it balances out in the end. As to your sister - yeah, there's not much you can do there unless and until your parents are willing to. You can encourage and back them up, but ultimately, they have to decide to go the tough love route. As to that poor dog, call the local ASPCA or no-kill animal shelter and have them find it a new home. Just claim your sister gave it to you (yeah, lie through your teeth!). I'm sure the dog would be happier, and obviously the household would be as well. And, as others have said, find a place of your own as soon as you can - and then invite your folks over (sans sister) for some breathing space of their own.
It's a good thing they have a caring, compassionate son. Unfortunately you can't make someone responsible - it's wiring. If she isn't now and hasn't been, it probably won't happen. One of your parents needs to take a stand and I'm assuming she has to be there for reasons as well, so get rid of the dog and have her clean her room. If she can't clean her room then she doesn't deserve one and sleeps on the couch. I'm sure that's not going to happen but for health reasons at least let the dog go, especially since she was told no to begin with. I'm sorry you have to bear this as you will not always live at home, but look at it from a different perspective - you are helping your mother whom you seem to care for the most. Parenting is not an easy job but you get stuck with it and one day they aren't kids any more and you wonder what happened. It could be worse as someone mentioned. She also could be ill, lonely, or wanting attention. Just know that no matter how much it sucks you are doing a good thing. You care and there needs to be more of that in the world.
For starters, this sister is suffering from undiagnosed and rampant mental illness. Get some help for her immediately as well as some help for the rest of the family for ignoring this situation for so long. While she is in a treatment centre, clean out her room and decontaminate it thoroughly. Get rid of the dog. Clean the entire living quarters and get on track to keeping it that way. Your sister won't be around for a while if you follow my instructions so you all can start setting rules and good habits for your lives. When your sister is released from her treatment centre, get her to begin living in her own place reasonably far from where you live. Check in on her once in a while and if she is incapable of living on her own, get her connected to the right kinds of services and professionals who will help her and keep her at arm's length from your family while making sure that she gets the ongoing help she needs.
I don't have a great deal of time, so forgive me if somebody else has said this already, but i couldn't read all the replies! Your sister is not responsible for one simple reason. She doesn't need to be. She knows that no matter how lazy she is, that you or your parents will ensure that a basic standard is maintained for her, no matter how much she slacks off. So while she has this 'safety net' in place, she will keep relying on it. Unfortunately, the only way to learn from it, is to let her hit rock-bottom. When she moves out (which i would assume she intends to eventually?) and is living in a pile of poo, urine and take-out containers, she will eventually realise ''I want more than this''. And change. Sources: Personal experience with family members
Get out of the situation as soon as it proves feasible. It is a vicious, destructive cycle that is bound to repeat endlessly until someone breaks away. It takes courage to be the one who forces the change, but it is usually for the better. I haven't lived at home since I graduated high school and started college; my relationships with my various siblings and mother have improved dramatically with a buffered breathing space. I don't have them impinging on my personal space, causing havoc and leaving a mass of chaos in their wake. I know what to expect when I go home and it is a relief to know I have my own place waiting when the visit is done. I've been in the tough family dynamic and know that it sucks. Space gives you a chance to look at the situation for a different perspective and sometimes it is a lesson that needs to be learned. Break the holding pattern. Having been on my own for so long it is hard for me to return to a shared living space, slovenly habits and rude behavior just compound the situation. You aren't doing yourself any favors by staying. Some people will never grow up and take control of their own lives. Don't let them drag you along for the ride. Take a stand and get the hell out of dodge. Life is what we make of it and it doesn't wait for anyone. Times are tough, but people are tougher.
Changing her behavior at that age will be difficult, but not impossible. Her "lashing out" is a defensive reaction. She feels as though she's emotionally under attack, so she fights back. It sounds like a response to a perceived threat, not a selfish tantrum. Has she suffered any trauma? Even been in bad relationships? Did something happen in her life that she never coped with? Of course that is most likely personal information, and I don't expect you to tell me, but you should give it some thought. My 31 year old sister lives with my parents, along with myself and my 10 year old niece. My sister never helps out around the house, cleans up the entirety of her messes, leaves drawers/cabinets wide open, doesn't clean the shower drain, etc. She works full time, but doesn't contribute anything to the household. Instead, she buys TONS of clothes and goes out drinking almost every night. Her "trauma" was getting impregnated by her boyfriend in her first year of college. She had to drop out, got a quickie marriage, moved into her husband's parents' basement, divorced a year later and moved back in with my parents. She never addressed the emotional effects of her situation, including anger, resentment, bitterness and so on. I know it was her choice to have unprotected sex, but she sees it as unfair that her life will never be what she wants it to be. When dealing with a defensive person, your best weapon is empathy. I know you and your parents are frustrated, but she will only respond to negativity with negativity. Try talking to her. Ask why she has difficulty cleaning and helping. Make sure to not imply that she's choosing to act that way. Putting blame and responsibility on someone so sensitive will only make them react. If you listen to her reasons, and acknowledge them as at least possible, she'll be much more compliant. Imagine her to be a scared puppy that's hiding under a car and won't come out. If you scream at the dog, or try to force it out, it will either bark or bite. If you instead try to coax it out with kind words and treats, it will be more likely to do what you want. Kicking her out, punishing her, threatening her and so on won't help at all. As you said, your mom has threatened to kick her out, but never does. Your sister knows this. Also, if consequences and responsibility weren't enforced while growing up, she won't be likely to respond to that now. Her brain is no longer developing in a way that would easily take on new behaviors. Perhaps therapy would help her, or even family therapy. Medications won't fix her issues, though. There's no pill for defiant behavior... Not yet anyway. I just hope you keep in mind that she is a human being and should not be seen as or treated like garbage that can just be left at the curb. Your parents need to step up and do some parenting. Their duty doesn't end when the kids reach a certain age. When you become a parent, you're a parent for life.
